Foobocalypse Now

Quite a while back I made some predictions on the end game of For Better Or For Worse. I used the skills I honed in my childhood predicting that a) Gilligan wasn’t going to get off the island, b) Colonel Klink wasn’t going to catch onto Hogan’s latest scheme, and c) Batman was going to Biff and Pow the villain by the end of the show. Let’s face it, guessing foobish plot points hardly makes one The Amazing Kreskin.

Let’s do a recap of the major developments I expected to happen:

• Michael’s Harlequin retread got a huge advance.
• Mike got enough money to make the Oedipally troubling purchase of his childhood home.
• John got the train cottage of his dreams, further emasculating the only non-psychotic male character.
• Paul the Half-Breed got caught with his holster belt around his ankles.
• Liz and Anthony finally started trading bodily fluids.

The only unresolved prediction is the final outcome of April’s musical career. I’m still thinking she will end up a highly popular singing veterinarian in the same way Gomer Pyle became a singing Marine.

Still, Lynn Johnston has thrown us some curveballs that I failed to anticipate, including:

• Warren showing up just long enough to make the creepy former boyfriends of Liz a full set.
• Shannon going all Norma Rae on her tormenters.
• Anthony giving John Holmes his mustache back.

While, like the Rapture, we don’t know the time or place of the Foobpocalypse, by my reckoning we only have about 100 strips left to gift wrap this turd once and for all. Since most of the major plot resolutions are underway, I would like to see some truly mind-fucking twists come along to keep us on our toes. I would love to see:

• Farley return from the grave to go all Cujo on April for killing him.
• Kourtney Krelbutz file a wrongful termination suit and win Ellie’s Lilliputs nest egg in the judgment.
• Lawrence and Weed compare notes and vow vengeance on that two-timing bitch Michelle.
• Grandpa Jim commit suicide after mistaking Iris for a Nazi infiltrator of his RCAF unit and strangling her.
• John wake in bed next to Lois Flagston and realize the last thirty years was all a bad, bad nightmare.

Come to think of it, just about anything would be preferable to the trite wrap-up we are bound to get. Instead, I predict we will get some hackneyed, heartstring-tugging, sniffle-inducing wedding ceremony with the entire Patterson clan posing together on the altar steps.

Only to be gunned down by Moldovian terrorists.

A guy can dream.

Blatant Comment Whoring™: How do you want the Foobiverse to end?

Private message to Stephanie Van Doleweerd: We know that Lynn and Entercom Canada are very protective of their intellectual property. What I do on my blog is clearly parody which is permitted under US copyright law. Show a little sense of humor and lay off the folks that poke a little fun at the foobs. And may I say that the new picture on your bio page is much cuter than the old one. Your boyfriend is a lucky guy. Call me if you ever break up. We can watch Dr. Who together.