Celebrity Closet Watch Online

Gawker discovered this site that asks silly questions including nearly 80 about which celebrities are gay. As Gawker discovered, the general public are idiots. Case in point: If Mario Lopez is really gay, he's a far better actor than his stint on Saved By The Bell would indicate. (click here for better version) Closet watching is a time-honored avocation here at Foma* Central but clearly a few people taking this poll are behind the curve or have let their People magazine subscription lapse. Several of the celebs on this list are either out-out or so lightly closeted that they might as well hang their clothes in Times Square. A few other results are so inexplicably off that I can only assume there is a huge wishful thinking contingent of gay folk out there stuffing the ballot box, so to speak. When people can spend months even debating Adam Lambert while Zachery Quinto gets a collective shoulder shrug in the zeitgeist, the whole concept of being closeted has been subverted. Most gay celebrities have found ways to tip-toe around their personal life without any outright deceit. In my mind, the only people that can even justify trying to cover up their orientation nowadays are Republican governors and the costars of Sandra Bullock romantic comedies. These are the only two groups whose livelihoods are threatened by an inadvertent outing. And in either case, they would kinda deserve it. Still, in the world of gossip, it's a fun game as long as there's no malice involved. But at least it's cute to see Anderson Cooper and Jodie Foster still so close together. Which proves the power of open closet plausible deniability. BlatantCommentWhoring™: What is the most surprising position on this list?

A Catonsville Fourth

The quaint little town of Catonsville, just over the river from Ellicott City, has an old-fashioned Fourth of July parade every year. What distinguishes it from other small town parades all over the country is the lengths people go to in order to secure prime seats for the show. Days ahead, people start lining the street with lawn chairs and blankets and benches. They use cord or cable or rope to secure their site and will often leave their family name taped to the lawn furniture. This morning I rode my bike up the trolley trail to take in this display of possessive patriotism. The parade doesn't start until 3 p.m. but all these pictures were taken between ten and eleven this morning. Folding chairs, beach chairs, camping chairs, it doesn't matter. Some groups of chairs are more organized than others. If you don't have enough chairs for the space you need to save, use police tape to reserve the extra space. These were two of the nicest chairs on the route. People are mighty trusting with their stuff on the Fourth. There is a brand new ice cream shop in Catonsville called You Scream. They marked off their section of the sidewalk for their customers. I had some delicious cherry italian ice because it looked so patriotic. Nothing says patriotism like paying your taxes. And some people take the color scheme to the extreme. The Knight of Columbus want to wish you a happy Independence Day, hon. So whatever you do today, celebrate the freedom and spirit that makes America great.

Pisa Posers

When I was in Italy this Spring, we had the opportunity to add Pisa to our tour as a day trip. I jumped at the chance. Because if you the chance to pose with the Leaning Tower, you can't pass it up. The tower is just one part of a much larger and very beautiful complex. The inside of the adjacent church is just gorgeous, but it's the tower people come to see. And be seen with. Once I got my picture taken, I was taken aback by the hundreds of people also performing the same pose. Out of context they look kind of silly. And I could not resist taking a few pictures of them as well. Here are a few of the best: My wife being a good sport. They had a fence around the lawn, so lots of people stood on the stone posts to get the right perspective. And it's hard to get the angle just right. And if you didn't know what this guy was doing, he'd look mighty foolish. Well, he does anyway. And at any given moment there are dozens of people all lined up taking the exact same picture. When I posted my pictures to Flickr (and here is the full set), someone noticed my meta-picture and asked me to submit it to the Pisa pushers pool which is all pictures of people posing with the Leaning Tower. For some reason that sort of circular concept just tickles me to no end. BlatantCommentWhoring™: What sort of cliched pose have you taken a picture of?

Michael Jackson Remembered

I have the Thriller album on cassette. It is song for song one of the greatest albums ever recorded. I never rebought it on CD because I refused to contribute to his pedophile defense fund. Somehow I found putting money in his pocket more reprehensible than contributing to the bank accounts of the other drug addicts and criminals and similar denizens of the music industry. He had no childhood but grew up to be a man without responsibilities or knowledge of the consequences of his actions. He traded his youth for a world without accountability. His money bought him license not available to others. I don't know where his demons came from but they were real and he left a wake of ruin in his path. Whether the happiness he brought millions is worth the pain he inflicted on himself and those he preyed on can never be quite calculated. We as a society create and then sacrifice our pop culture heroes. As a college student in the 80s, my roommates and I would sit around and argue one of the most complicated issues of the past thirty years: Just What Is The Story On Michael Jackson? At the time the rumor was that he beat the Billie Jean paternity case by copping to being gay. If only his life were that mundanely kinky. Always be careful what you wish for. We ended up knowing way too much about Michael and at the same time not nearly enough. Pop often icons come in pairs. The darker side of the Beatles were the Rolling Stones. At one time Michael Jackson and Prince vied for the top of the charts with Jackson being the 'good' one. Prince was a dark purple libido unleashed while Michael Jackson could sing-song "The Girl Is Mine" with Paul McCartney. He was safe and cute and cuddly and non-threatening. And then things changed. Who knew Prince was the relatively normal one? The rumors about his personal life got darker and more twisted. There were lawsuits and settlements and testimony too creepy to dismiss. Jackson's arrested adolescence turned into a fixation with adolescents that got him arrested. He played with his image, perhaps to distract us from his real life with magician-like redirection. The difference between reality and persona became too hard to separate. In the Rashomon cult of celebrity we will never know the truth. Not all of it. There is just too much Michael Jackson to soak it all in at once. His celebrity eclipsed those of even his 80s rivals like Madonna. He is too woven into the threads of our culture. We have iconic moments that can never be forgotten: Moonwalking on the Motown 25 special. Multi-channel event debuts of his videos. Red jackets and single gloves. The Thriller zombie dance rivaling YMCA as the least likely kids party gimmick. The MTV kiss with Lisa Marie Presley. The ever more outlandish publicity stunts as record sales plummeted. A sad reclusive life where he became an object of ridicule and bewilderment. Years ago in trying to honor another tragic life, the country had to decide to between Young Elvis and Fat Elvis. Now we have a plethora of Michael Jacksons to remember. To name just a few, we have: Jackson 5 Michael Thriller Michael Tabloid Michael Neverland Michael Wacko Jacko A brutal childhood in pursuit of fame, a creative rebirth into superstardom, and a descent into secrecy and depravity. A life too short and yet too full. So it goes.

South Carolina Story

Just one more showtune musical parody for the Sanford drama unfolding. This time the South Carolina governor is a street hood with a girlfriend nobody approves of. Maria . . . The Argentine lady I just screwed: Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . . My entire career is now a joke so lewd and crude… Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . . Maria! I just got back from seeing Maria And there’s all this press Asking about the mess I’m in. Maria! I’m having an affair with Maria Out chasing some tail And hiking on a trail Of sin! Maria! The divorcée that I’ve been banging Left my political career hanging Maria, I’ll never stop seeing Maria Worth throwing my job out the door. Maria.

Don't Fly Me To Argentina

In order to beat the land rush on way-too-obvious song parodies about South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, here is my entry in the future Andrew Lloyd Weber musical about this farce: It won't be easy, you'll think it strange When I try to explain how I feel That I still need your vote after all that I’ve done You won't re-elect me All you will see is a governor who Rejected bailout money BUT to South America I flew I had to go see her, I had to leave Told my staff I was out hiking Walking along the Appalachian Trail But I flew southbound Running around, trying to save my marriage But my wife left me anyways I kind of expected her to Don’t fly me to Argentina The truth is I have a mistress All my right wing talk My family values We’re just a crock To keep you clueless And as for presidential ambition I never got nominated Though it seems that I was on McCain’s short list I was already cheating And I resigned from the Governors Association Because I like riding my backhoe And describing your tan line Don’t fly me to Argentina The truth is I still love her All through my e-mails My bad love poems I broke my promise Now I can’t go home Have I shared too much? There’s nothing more shameful I can do But all you have to do is look at me To know that my career is through Don’t fly me to Argentina (Thrust arms up in Richard Nixon peace sign) (Curtain)

D Is For Dumb Like A Fox

What do these three politicians have in common? (courtesy Media Matters) (from bjkeefe's blog) (from Brad's Blog) a) Involved in a Scandal b) Identified as a Democrat (D) by Fox News c) Really a Republican d) All of the Above The answer is of course (d). It takes three examples to support a trend and the eagle-eyed editors and commenters at Wonkette have been keeping track of this peculiarly distinctive Fox faux pas. So what causes America's premier right-leaning network to continually make this kind of mistake? a) When there is a scandal, the way to bet is Democratic. Just take Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards and the king mack-daddy of tearful confessions Bill Clinton. So they get a few wrong. b) Just another page from The Goebbels Guide To The Big Lie taken to a subliminal level. c) Never ascribe to malice what can be explained by incompetence. d) Any or all of the above. We mock, you decide.

Hella Father's Day

We have two Father's Day traditions. I pick some place to go out to eat and my son and I go on a father-son bike ride. Usually the dinner place is a burger joint or barbecue. Definitely not anything upscale or fancy. This started several years ago when I wanted to do some biking on the Mount Vernon Trail and had heard of some obscure burger place in Alexandria called Five Guys. They only served burgers and hot dogs and fries. Now Five Guys are everywhere. The other day Barack Obama went to the Five Guys in south DC and made the news. But a few weeks before that he went to another burger joint called Ray's Hell Burger in Arlington. He caused quite a kerfuffle among those willing to hate him for any reason whatsoever by asking for 'spicy mustard' aka Dijon. Right wingers took this as further evidence of Obama's inherent foreign-ness. Hell Burger is not owned by Ray. There is no Ray. It is owned by Michael Landrum, a DC restaurateur known for his persnickity rules. His original steak place is called Ray's The Steaks, a bad pun it took even me a while to figure out (make better steaks, raise the stakes, get it?). Then he opened Ray's The Classics in Silver Springs which is about the best steaks in all of DC. So when Obama went to Hell Burger, I knew I had no other choice since it intersected my two food eating obsessions, good burgers and eating where Obama eats (those places are for another day). The lines at Ray's restaurants are legendary and I knew it would take some planning to go there. I called the restaurant and got the voicemail machine which said they opened at noon Tuesday thru Sunday. We got there at 12:03 and we glided right into the small strip mall parking lot and miraculously found a space right out front but found the placed packed. It seems that according to the sign out front he really opens at 11:30. There are actually two Hell Burgers. The one Obama went to is at 1713 Wilson Blvd and is a take-out line. The other is four doors down at 1725 where you can get a table and have your burger brought to you. This one seems to be the original Rays The Steaks and looks way too small to have ever been the toughest seat in DC. I mentioned persnickity rules. The big one at Hell Burger is no claiming a table until you have placed your order. We saw this honored more in the breach as vultures stalked people leaving. It's one thing to have rules, it's another to enforce them. We placed our order and still got a great table out front. And the burgers. Truly one of the greatest burgers ever. Ten ounces of prime beef cooked to order with dozens of toppings. Yeah, you can go crazy and get the $17.50 one with bone marrow and truffle oil, but you don't need to. Burgers start at $6.95 and most toppings are free. Fancier items like cheese range from a buck to four dollars for the Amish cave-aged cheddar. I went with the Vermont white cheddar it was the best cheese I have ever had on a burger. My wife had applewood bacon and it was what bacon was meant to be. And right on the table was ketchup, yellow mustard, and brown spicy mustard. This is America, you top your burger with what you want. And these burgers were big. Two hands to hold and don't drip all over your ten dollar Chinese counterfeit Tommy Bahama shirt like I did. Good food is worth hunting down. And Hell Burger lives up to its name. It's one helluva burger.