Golden Globes 2013: A New Hope

The Golden Globes is my favorite awards show. By mixing movie and television stars with lots of alcohol all sorts of good natured fun can be had. One tradition I have is to give out my annual Miss Golden Globes award. But this year was a bad year for that high and tight look with the more daring celebrities, hostess with the mostest Amy Poehler included, going for necklines plunging down to about the knee.

  

In the case of J.Lo, her dress seems to be composed entirely of a fungal infection. She should have a botanist take a look at it.

In another runner-up award, Lucy Liu sewed up the It's Curtains, Scarlett Award with her upholstery inspired get-up.

Michelle Lea, whose bezoms I have seen in person back when she was being sexually assaulted nightly (and twice on Wednesdays and Saturdays) in Spring Awakening, must have misunderstood the point (or lack therof) of my award and emphasized the 'golden' part of the phrase. She had such an auric glow that she made Selma Hayek look like Jessica Chastain. Close but no cigar (and no, that wasn't a backstage with Bill Clinton joke).

But in the end, the starlet most willing to raise her exposure level was Modern Family Girl-Gone-Wild Sarah Hyland who decided to steal some attention back from her much younger (and much more demurely dressed) sister costar. So without further ado, we say adieu to Ms Hyland's sense of modesty as we crown her with this year's double-orbed trophy.

But the real highlight of the night was Jodie Foster's stream of consciousness (or lack thereof) Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award speech. While many seemed baffled by what she either trying to say or not trying to say, two items were clear to me:

•    At age 50, she's just two years older than me.
•   She is back on the market.

My possibly unseemly obsession with the Yale grad is well documented, but this puts a new light on matters. And just to cement my hope, take a look at her red carpet dress:

Yes, she made it out of duct tape and chain mail. That can only mean one thing. She's a nerd just like me. And while there are perhaps a million nerds out there, she still might cast her eye on me. So what if the odds are only a million to one. As Jim Carey says in Dumb and Dumber, "So a million-to-one? That means I have a chance."