NCCC Championship Match

We have reached the final game of the National Crappy Comics Competition (NCCC™) and the last two comics left are Mary Worth and BC. Which of these two is most worthy of never being seen again on the comics page?

Is there even really a reason for Mary Worth? The topics she deals with at ungodly length are so banal and treated so ham-handedly. In her universe, Women's Shelters are cot strewn institutions in the seedy part of town worthy of The Snake Pit . The issues her friends face are nearly always ridiculouly lame. If you really want to know what to do about drug dealing, infertility or substance dependency, read Dear Abby or Ask Amy. They’re usually on the same page as the comics or nearby. Definitely don't trust Mary Worth. The newspaper advice columns daily address real issues with far greater candor than Mary Worth in her Charterstone ivory tower can't even imagine.

Maybe that’s the answer. Let’s let Caroline Hax or Dan Savage plot a few of these and see what hits the fan. I would like to see Mary Worth deal with some fetish related storyline. Then again, maybe not.

Actually, the true heir to the serial strips are the ones that don’t take themselves so seriously like, For Better or For Worse, Funky Winkerbean, Luann, or even Sally Forth, where serious topics get handled with a light touch. All of these strips hav dealt with life issues far more serious than Mary even with her melodrama can muster. Time to give Mary a long rest.

As for BC, I’m not saying there isn’t a place for a religiously oriented comic. Heaven knows there are enough political ones. A lot of strips, and not just Family Circus, have “spiritual values” without outright proselytizing. I’ve seen Zits reprinted in magazines aimed at Christian teenagers. Even hellions like Curtis and Dennis go to church. Heck, like any obscure enough sub-culture, there are websites dedicated to Christian comics, which have various levels of stridency. Reverend Fun is one of the better of these. Some of these are way too “inside” to ever be funny, or even make sense, to a secular audience but some are better than what is in my newspaper right now. Unfortunately, like fans of Christian music, readers of “Christian” comics place doctrinal correctness above quality, which is not going to draw in outsiders.

What Hart, like most zealots, doesn’t realize is that his incoherent street corner bible thumping turns away more people that he saves. A little subtly goes a long way and you don’t have to be condescending or offensive about it. Just be FUNNY.

And the results are in and the champion of the inaugural Comic Demolition Derby is:

Gil Thorp

This is the Comics News Network reporting from the site of the National Crappy Comics Competition™ and the arena is in complete pandemonium. The fans have stormed the court chanting “Death to Gil Thorp!” The scorekeepers have taken cover to avoid the angry mobs but we have this statement from the selection committee:

Under severe pressure from the Vegas Sports Comic Bookmaker Association, the selection committee originally determined that Gil Thorp was ineligible for the competition. The bookies successfully argued that if Gil Thorp was in the field, no one would give any other competitor any consideration. However, as scoring progressed, the judges secretly awarded Gil Thorp an unprecedented 4 round bye.

If you are unfamilar with the train wreck that is the Gil Thorp comic strip you are not alone. It's not even carried by the Chicago Tribune that syndicates it. Yet still it endures.

Let’s face it, this is currently the lamest strip in print. The art is juvenile, the plots unfathomable and the dialog simply wretched. This Milford place is an idealistic ‘50’s throwback never-never-was-land that makes Beaver Cleaver’s hometown look like South Compton. Everyone in the town is an athlete or an athletic supporter. The students listen to hip-hop but dress like they’re going to a sock hop. The various scrapes the athletes get into wouldn’t past muster at an Afterschool Special pitch meeting.

This Friday Night Lights Fantasyland is morally suspect in a que sara sara way that the writers actually endorse. No one ever suffers any long-term consequences if they’re a starter. The leading defense plea among its various miscreants seems to be, “But Coach Thorp says…” Who died and elected this guy God-King of the Flat-Tops anyways? I’ve seen more responsible leadership at midget league hockey dad fights.

This would all be forgivable if it were done in an ironic or even coherent way. The characters are drawn so identically, yet at the same time so inconsistently, there is no way to identify them from even panel to panel let alone from day to day. The fast-paced three-panel cut shots don’t speed the narrative as much as they give the reader a migraine.

Just about anything in its place would be an improvement. Heck, give the spot to a fifth grade drawing class. Then at least the little tykes’ parents would clip the strip for the refrigerator. Otherwise this is just a waste of trees and ink. Well, at least one guy manages to use it as clip art for a sports parody website, appropriately subtitled "Frankly, more Gil Thorp than any sane person should have to tolerate". We agree. Any Gil Thorp is too much to endure.

There you have it, the conclusion of the first, and probably last Comic Kick-Off Classic. Thank you for playing along at home. We now return to our regularly scheduled snarky commentary, running inside jokes, scantily-clad, under-talented actresses, and general mayhem.

NCCC Final Four

The NCCC™ FINAL FOUR® semi-final match-ups are:
Dead Writer Division Champion Shoe vs.
Pointless Soap Division Champion Mary Worth
and
Just Not Funny Division Champion BC vs.
Walker-Browne Division Champion Hagar the Horrible
Who will cut down the nets?

In the first game of the semi-finals of the NCCC(tm), we have Mary Worth against Shoe. These two strips have one major difference; the funny one is not meant to be and the unfunny one ought to be. Meddlin’ Mary, as she is unaffectionately known, is the subject of constant ridicule and scorn. The subject of countless parodies and often amazingly vituperative satire, she never seems to quite notice the “Kick me” sign written in permanent marker on the back of her electric blue outfits.

Shoe, when he is noticed at all, usually elicits a grown and quick glance to the next comic. Long term exposure to Shoe may lead to excessive familiarity with old Vaudeville routines but nothing more serious.

Mary on the other hand induces nausea, resulting in gag reflexes strong enough to make you pay attention to acid reflux medicine commercials. Obviously Mary is as hazardous as typhoid or any other disease spread by exposure to sewage.

Winner/Loser: Mary Worth

In our second Final Four Steel Cage Comic Deathmatch™, we have Hagar the Horrible squaring off against BC. Hagar and BC both work in a tough comic genre, the Wildly Anachronistic Milleu (WAM™). Hagar is no more about medieval barbarian culture than Sherman’s Lagoon is about marine biology. Most of the humor derives from laughing at these ancient people having the same problems as we do. The other strips in this category, which includes Crock, Tumbleweeds, and Redeye, tend to be horrendously lame to begin with. Perhaps the only strip currently working this concept well is Johhny Hart and BrantParker's Wizard of Id, which is faint praise indeed.
Hagar never really takes off on the absurdity of the Viking world, often resorting to other set-ups like deserted island and cannibal gags, and then just recycles material older than his ever-sinking Viking ship.

BC on the other hand, has abandoned any internal consistency whatsoever so that he can say what he wants when he wants like some sort of fundamentalist Tourette’s Syndrome sufferer. The strip features cavemen living alongside dinosaurs, One Million BC style, but includes many pop-culture references in addition to the obviously anno domini religious ones. One of the older running gags had an apteryx constantly explain that he was about to become extinct, yet Hart, in his evangelical zeal, now rejects and ridicules evolution. Two of his newer characters are a painfully sterotypical Native American and a handlebar mustached Italian who have no connection to the other cavemen whatsoever except to allow for ugly ethnic humor.

BC quit being about cavemen a long time ago and the guys in the furskin togs are now just filler between the increasingly baffling and mean-spirited evangelical tirades. Johnny should be looking at the mote in his own misogynistic eye a little closer. Could any newcomer get a strip published today where one of the characters is known only as The Fat Broad? Does The Cute Chick have a name either? Rather than constantly giving sermons to the choir, maybe he should practice what he preaches, unless that doesn’t include tolerance and compassion.

Winner/Loser: BC

For the final game, click here.

NCCC Walker-Browne Division Championship

The final game of the second round of the NCCC™ has Walker-Browne Division legend Hi and Lois against Hagar the Horrible. We have some bad blood sibling rivalry going on here with Chris Browne facing older brother Chance who has teamed with the Walker Brothers, Brian and Greg (and Walker sister Dot, oops, wrong family) to continue to run the empire patriarchs Mort and Dik built.

And family is the business of Hi and Lois. This suitable for all ages strip has been doing family based humor for over half a century. Over the years, the clothes and haircuts have tried to stay in style, but the mere timelessness of the humor makes drastic updates pretty unnecessary. Not that it hasn’t kept up with the times in small ways. Would Blondie have ever started a catering business if Lois hadn’t led the way by becoming a Realtor®? As Brian Walker tells in this radio interview, he would like to veer a little more into Arlo and Janis territiory, but the syndicate makes him keep it squeaky clean. The family oriented comic strip is a crowded market and H&L, while not groundbreaking, is still better than many of its wannabe rivals (yeah, we’re looking at you Drabble).

In many ways, Hagar is a family strip is Viking drag. Chris Browne’s late lamented Raising Duncan had almost a one-to-one correspondence: Chubby Patriarch – Hagar/Big Daddy; Plus Sized Wife – Helga/Adele; Wacky Sidekicks/Kids – Lucky Eddie/Duncan, etc. The running gags in Hagar are also done a lot better in other strips. For hen-pecked drunk at a bar, go with General Halftrack. For battle-ax wife, go with Loretta Lockhorn. For dumb as a brick lackey, go to Zero. For sexually confused youngest son, well, let’s just not go there. The only eye candy is the strip, Honi the Underage Valkyrie Hottie, doesn’t even show up all that often. For tepid family humor, the Flagstons are a lot more real and a lot funnier.

Winner/Loser: Hagar

On to the Final Four.

NCCC Just Not Funny Division Championship

The NCCC™ Division Championship round of the Just Not Funny Division pits the two first round winning heavyweights Cathy and BC against each other. Cathy was a ground breaking strip that it for the first time showed an independent single career oriented woman that obsessed over food, followed every ridiculous fashion fad, and pined for guys Just-Not-That-Into-Her. Big step forward there. Still, the author, Cathy Guisewaite was a pioneer that broke ground for a new generation of female comic writers like ,uh, just a moment here…., yeah those Six Chix. Can you smell token here? I can see the meeting at the Syndicate: “But, don’t we already have a strip about a woman written by a woman?” How about a FUNNY one, guys?

Normally a guy like Johnny Hart that can annoy both the Anti-Defamation League and Islamic groups would be hailed as “biting” and “edgy”. Instead he is more like the old senile relative that no one pays attention to anymore. Johnny is getting a pass because everybody just apologizes in advance “because that’s the way Johnny is, and everybody knows it.” Well, no, he wasn’t always that way. He used to be FUNNY. The strip wasn’t sold as crypto-religious allegory. It was funny cavemen. Johnny is using his tenured position as his own religious bully pulpit and we get stuck with it. Cathy has always been what she is, but with BC, we got bait-and-switched.

Winner/Loser: BC

Next up: Walker-Browne Division Championship

Or on to the Final Four.

NCCC Pointless Soap Division Championship

For the Pointless Soap Division Championship of the NCCC™, Mary Worth and Rex Morgan, the first round winners, face off to determine who will advance to the Final Four. This is a division that has struggled lately. Anytime your newspaper has a comics survey, assume that all the serials are on the chopping block and the editors are just checking the pulse of the remaining readers. These strips are an endangered species because, just like dinosaurs, they are slow and lumbering and cannot adapt to a changing environment. Has anyone seen Brenda Starr or Terry and the Pirates around lately? Would anyone miss them?

Rex Morgan is an idealistic young doctor raising a family. He has a wife and child to support and works in a profession that regularly puts him in contact with people a lot worse off than himself. Never mind that he is a hopelessly closeted do-gooder that needs to drop the charade for his long suffering and amazingly hot wife June and their terribly mis-shapen child.

Mary Worth, on the other hand, is a meddling beyotch with nothing better to than interfere in other people’s lives. My retired parents in Florida have a phrase for people like Mary, “Condo Commandos”. Busy-bodies with too much time on their hands that manufacture crises if none exist. Nothing is more ironic than a bunch of incontinent ninety-year olds writing the bylaws to keep toddlers out of the pool. Mary needs to draw her blinds and let others live their lives.

Winner/Loser: Mary Worth

Next up: Just Not Funny Division Championship

Or on to the Final Four.

NCC Dead Writers Division Championship

Welcome back comics-fans to exciting second round coverage of the National Crappy Comics Competition ™. For those of you joining us late, first round action in the NCCC™ is complete and the results follow. Remember, the “winner” is the strip most worthy of being purged forever from the comics pages.

Dead Writer Division
Dennis the Menace lost to Andy Capp
Peanuts was defeated by Shoe

Pointless Soap Division
Mary Worth trounced Apt 3G
Mark Trail was upset by Rex Morgan

Just Not Funny Divsion
Garfield got edged out by Cathy
BC ran rough-shod over Family Circus

Walker-Browne Division
Beetle Bailey was butchered by Hagar the Horrible.
Hi and Lois passed Raising Duncan in a forfeit.

For our the championship of the the Dead Writer Division, we have Andy Capp facing off against Shoe. Andy Capp is famous around the world as being synonymous with “wife-beating drunk” . But if you ask someone who Rex Smythe is you either get a blank stare or a wild guess like “Elton John’s real name” or “right fielder for the 1918 Cardinals” . Jeff MacNelly on the other hand was a journalistic legend whose legacy is being defiled every day by the big black vultures circling his grave. Let the man rest in peace.

Winner/Loser: Shoe

Next up: The Pointless Soap Division Championship
Or on to the Final Four.

NCCC Walker-Browne Division Round 1

Game 1
vs.

The Walker/Browne Division of the National Crappy Comics Competition(NCCC™) is the sleeper bracket in the tourney, represented in the first match by Beetle Bailey and Hagar the Horrible. The Walkers and Brownes have been collectively hogging valuable comic page real estate for decades and have begun the process of handing over their domain to the next generation. I wouldn’t be surprised to find these two clans have intermarried to preserve the dynastic bloodlines. Beetle Bailey continues a proud comic tradition of stereotypically offensive caricatures. Anyone seen Sergeant Yo lately? He must be looking for his Coke-bottle glasses and his fake buckteeth. The strip finds yuks in sexual harassment, alcoholism and institutionalized brutality.

Hagar, drawn since 1988 by creator Dik Browne’s son Chris, finds mild chuckles in sacking British castles, being hen-pecked, avoiding tax collectors, and dealing with incompetent lackeys. The fact that there is nothing to take offense to, is itself offensive. Hagar epitomizes the paint-by-numbers paycheck-cashing ennui that sets in once you have a job-for-life that you inherited from Daddy. Talented comics are starving to get the space that seems to be a birthright. Beetle Bailey inexplicably has a devoted following in the genuinely hard working real military and gets a furlough while Hagar is sent packing so someone with an edge can take his place.

Winner/Loser: Hagar


Game 2
vs.

In the final game of the first round, we have Hi and Lois taking on Raising Duncan. Hi and Lois, created by Mort Walker and Dik Browne and now done by Brian Walker, Greg Walker and Chance Browne, raises the concept of nepotism to new levels. I guess basically if you are Browne or Walker progeny and can hold a pen without drawing blood, you can draw a paycheck. The strip itself is the archetype of bland inoffensive family fare. If it were a meal, it would be mayonnaise on white bread with a cold glass of homogenized milk and tapioca pudding for dessert. Whenever the new generation slips in some mildly risqué innuendo, it draws gasps where it would barely arch an eyebrow in other more cutting edge strips.

Raising Duncan is Chris Browne’s noble attempt to step out from his father’s shadow and create something original. Relying on the write-what-you-know philosophy, Duncan is about a bearded paunchy writer with bad fashion sense who owns a talking Scottish terrier. Sadly, both the pooch and the strip are no longer with us. If a Son Of Hagar can’t make it in the cutthroat comix biz, what hope do mere mortals have? The Flagstons move on by default.

Winner/Loser: Hi and Lois

Previous results:
Dead Writers Division
Pointless Soap Division
Just Not Funny Division

Or move on to the second round of the Walker-Browne Division.

NCCC Just Not Funny Division Round 1

Game 1
vs.

Over in the Just Not Funny Divisionof the National Crappy Comics Competition, one of the most anticipated matches has Garfield taking on Cathy. Both strips have been boring readers with the same 4 gags over and over for more than 25 years. In fact they both share making compulsive eating fun and goofy. Continuity is not a requirement since nothing ever changes. Well, Cathy got married and Andrea’s kids got bigger, but Irvin is the same passive-aggressive loser he was when she dumped him for awhile, years ago. Now that they are married, we can watch them slowly morph into the Lockhorns.

Garfield is one of the few strips it actually has fewer characters than when it started. Jon’s original roommate, Lyman, disappeared years ago to the same place they hid Richie Cunningham's brother, leaving behind his lobotomized dog. Garfield was mildly amusing when he was a bad rip-off of the B. Kliban® Cats, but as soon as he stood upright, he started a sharp exponential decay. At least he still amuses small children and the feeble-minded. No one has found Cathy funny since Donna Summer topped the charts.

Winner/Loser: Cathy



Game 2
vs.

The Just Not Funny Division of the NCCC(tm) is stacked with strong contenders like our next match-up between BC and Family Circus. Johnny Hart is a legend and BC’s early years are milk-out-your-nose funny. As the years wore on, the set-ups grew stale and then religious allegories starting sneaking in to the point people started (justifiably) looking for things to take offense at while the real offense is just not being funny.

Family Circus is an icon and a part of our cultural heritage. If any cartoonist draws a meandering trail of thick dashes, the reference is immediate and recognizable. Bil Keane even has enough of a sense of humor to put the more tasteful parodies and tributes on his web page. The strip is sweet to point of cloying and large doses can induce diabetic shock. Perhaps no other strip is more often and more maliciously parodied, but the heart of the strip is in the right place. The gags have to be deliberately, if easily, misconstrued to be disturbing. BC doesn’t even require that effort.

Winner/Loser: BC

First round action wraps up next with the Walker-Browne Division.
Previous results:
Dead Writers Division
Pointless Soap Division

Second Round Results

NCCC Pointless Soap Division Round 1

Game 1
vs.

Over in the Pointless Soap Division of the NCCC™, we have Mary Worth taking on the girls of Apartment 3G. Both of these strips move at glacial paces with random strangers wandering in and then disappearing forever once their life has been completely changed for the better by our protagonists. Both strips even feature pot-bellied bearded academics. Created in the thirties, these living fossils recall an earlier grander era when the artwork was actually good.

Mary, however, has a reputation as world-class meddler, while the 3G girls are always stumbling randomly into situations, often with romantic overtones. At least Margo, Tommie, and Luann are easier on the eyes than that old biddy who can’t seem to keep any tenants except the drunks by the pool. In a squeaker, the girls get their lease renewed.

Winner/Loser: Mary Worth



Game 2

vs.

Our second game in the Pointless Soap Division pits Mark Trail against Rex Morgan. Both contenders are raven-haired square-jawed do-gooders that date back to the 40’s but haven’t aged a day, largely due to the sluggishness of the narrative. The days in their world literally drag on for months. The pace of these strips makes Mary Worth look like the NBA All-Star game with crystal meth in the Gatorade. Having outlived their original audience by a decade or two, they now serve as camp nostalgia or homework for ESL students. Both have dark haired wives they met at the office and preternaturally clever dogs. The two could probably switch strips for weeks before any one noticed. Throw Sam from Judge Parker on the ambiguously gay dogpile and you would never get the mix straightened out.

Mark Trail’s only redeeming feature is that the freakishly large animals in the foreground distract from the fact that absolutely nothing is happening in the background. Also, the dubiously researched Sunday informative non-narratives prevent the bane of all serial strips, the Saturday-Sunday–Monday time warp where a single panel can be Xeroxed for three days. Rex tries to be relevent by slipping in PSA quality advocacy speeches about things like HEALTH INSURANCE, but no one is buying. In the first upset of the tourney, Mark Trail outlasts Rex.

Winner/Loser: Rex Morgan, MD

The power-packed Just Not Funny Division tips off tomorrow.
Previous results: Dead Writers Division

Side note: Subdivided We Stand is the premiere source for on-line Mary Worth snark. Bob's obsession with the silver-haired busy-body borders on disturbing. This coming from a guy who has linked to Half-Nekkid pictures of April Patterson.

Still having Blogger trouble. The home page keeps flaking out. The archives seem to do OK. this is ultra-annoying. I shouldn't have to babysit my blog like thisl Everytime the homepage disappears I have to re-publish the most recent post. Please be patient.

NCCC Dead Writer Division Round 1

Game 1
vs.

Welcome comics-fans to the National Crappy Comics Competition first round action. Remember, only the worst comic in each match-up advances. In the Dead Writers Division, we have Dennis the Menace against Andy Capp. Hank Ketchum has been pushing up daisies since 1991, but ghost writers have worked on various parts of the Dennis Empire since at least the 80’s. Reg Smythe has been brown bread since 1998. Dennis is a charming if unfunny scamp with a fairly hot mom and a cute cast of supporting characters. Andy continues to perpetuate very vicious stereotypes about working class Brits proving that humor can be tone-deaf on both sides of the Pond.

Winner/Loser: Andy Capp

Game 2
vs.

In the late game of the NCCC™ - Dead Writer Division, we have Peanuts against Shoe. Charles Schultz put the whole world into mourning when he passed away in 2000. He had the class to prohibit anyone from taking over his strip, but the ghouls at United Media re-animated the corpse and run repeats to this day.
Jeff MacNeely was a Pulitzer Prize winning editorial cartoonist before starting Shoe. Mac (as he signed his cartoons) died less than 4 months after Schulz but few realize how badly his successors have stripped the corpse. The characters are still there, but the cynical topical soul has been lost. Sadly, the 30 year old jokes in Peanuts are fresher than the stale retreaded gags at the Treetops Tattler.

Winner/Loser: Shoe

Tune in tomorrow for the Pointless Soap Division opening round.

NCCC Selection Show

Back in May of last year, when I was spending way too much time chatting in the comments section of the Comics Curmudgeon website, I came up with the idea of having a National Crappy Comics Competition™ based on the NCAA basketball tournament. Josh’s disclaimer says:

Comics reproduced here for purposes of review only, and all rights remain with their creators; please don't sue me. All comments remain the property and responsibility of those who posted them.

I am exercising my right to re-use and republish my own comments on my blog. At the same time I am taking the effort to add just a little pizzazz to the presentation. Don’t think of these as re-runs, they are more like the Collector's Edition Director’s Cut with better special effects except without ugly hippo-looking things wandering around Mos Eisley.

So here we go with the definitive single elimination competition to find the crappiest comic in print.

Dead Writers Division
vs.

vs.


Pointless Soap Division
vs.

vs.



Just Not Funny Division
vs.

vs.


Walker-Browne Division
vs.

vs.

These all look like tough match-ups. First round action begins Thursday. Remember, the competition is to find the crappiest comic, so the "winners" are really losers, but that in no way means that any of these losers are winners.