Hottest. Woman. Ever.

The Washington Post has two new writers, Amy Argetsinger and Roxanne Roberts, for it's "gossip" column, The Reliable Source. To make sure that they got some attention right out of the gate, their very first column covered Angelina Jolie testifying to Congress about something or other. In the article, they notice that "everyone is doing a valiant job of pretending that the Sexiest Woman Alive is not sitting at the table." The Washington Post has very high journalistic standards and they cannot make bold declarations like that without some sort of confirming source.

I will vouch that Angelina Jolie is the living embodiment of ideal female beauty. Two years ago, while on vacation in southern California, we decided to do the full tourist thing and see a real Hollywood red carpet movie premiere. The big movie opening that week was the critically despised Tomb Raider II: The Cradle of Life.

For a Hollywood premiere, they close off the main block of Hollywood Boulevard for the red carpet arrivals which snarls traffic worse than usual. We managed to park in the Kodak Theater garage and elbow our way to the front of the crowd, only to hear that Angelina had already gone in. We did stick around to see the rest of the "celebrities" arrive, the biggest two being Colin Ferrell acting like a drunk Irish ass and David Spade looking like he stepped off the set of Joe Dirt II. We were slightly disappointed but philosophical about missing the main attraction.

We overheard a fellow stalker movie buff mention that it's a lot easier to catch the stars coming out of the theater after the premiere. So we ate dinner at a wierdly themed Wolfgang Puck restaurant and then staked out a place behind the security rope across from Manns Chinese Theater. As soon as people start spilling out of the theater we waited and were rewarded. Angelina and her entourage walked right in front of us no farther than ten feet away as the paraded over to the post-premiere party. As hot as Angelina looks on the silver screen, she is twice as hot in person. We are talking 100% pure premium, not-from-concentrate H-O-T hot.

She was wearing a very tasteful black backless dress that clung to her like nobody's business. The only surprise was that she is amazingly petite. Five foot-two inches tops. No more than 100 pounds soaking wet. And we're not talking Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie coke-fueled scrawny. Every ounce of her was in exactly the right place.

I'm not the only one with this opinion. In an Ask Amy column, Amy Dickerson warns an insecure young lady:

But remember that even for beautiful people, there's always someone more beautiful across the room. Unless, of course, you're Angelina Jolie.

In a Saturday Night Live bit, Amy Poehler rants:

It was reported that while vacationing together in Kenya, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise while making love, the hotel staff rushed to the room because it sounded like a wounded animal. OK, we get it, Angelina Jolie, you're better than every woman at everything! You're prettier, you're sexier, you're covered in exotic tattoos.

Angelia Jolie is the gold standard for hot women when you need to make a point. But with great power comes great responsibility. Anyone who can make Brad Pitt (who I hear is no slouch in the looks department) drop Jennifer Anniston like congealed monkey vomit, should not toy with mere mortals. She played Alexander the Great's mom, but Helen in Troy would have been better casting.

On the plus side, her much publicized work for awareness of some of the world's most ignored and poverty-stricken disaster regions has to negate some of her home-wrecking bad karma. But like those goo-goo eyed congressmen, is anyone listening when she moves those African-Killer-Bee level pouty lips? We should. Don't ignore her just because she is beautiful. She deserves the same chance to voice her opinion as any other preternaturally beautiful celebrity with a cause. Listen to her well considered plea for greater justice and compassion towards the less fortunate of the world. And try to maintain eye contact.

Oh, and did I mention that she's hot?

Here's a link to more pictures of the Tomb Raider II premiere, but they hardly do her justice.

Update (5/8/06): See this post for my latest take on Angelina.

Technorati tag:hummingbird rump, Washington Post, Reliable Source, Angelina Jolie, Tomb Raider, hot