Lacledes Liquor Landing

Every town has one or wants one. No public official will call it by its true name, but every politician talks about needing a Tacky Tourist Drinking District ( or T2D2 as I call them) to boost the local economy. This is the neighborhood where all the out-of-towners go to get sloshed. The best and finest of these is the all too appropriately named Bourbon Street in New Orleans. The year ‘round street festival that is the French Quarter is the envy of many a city that wants drunken tourists to leave behind scads of cash.

We arrived in St Louis late, toured the Arch, and set out to look for a place to eat. The visitors guide I had picked up at the hotel showed a cluster of restaurants in an area called Laclede’s Landing within walking distance of the Arch. The Landing is an old warehouse/industrial area that has been converted to an entertainment district. At first we were a little nervous from all the empty storefronts on First Street, but once we hit the main area at Second Street, we knew we found the right place. It had all the accoutrements of a true T2D2: a Spaghetti Warehouse franchise, a dueling piano showbar, horse-drawn carriages, and lots of strolling tourists in tank tops and cargo shorts.

We picked Joey B’s On The Landing almost at random because it had Rachel Ray's seal of approval, and if any one knows anything about tacky tourist spots, it's Ms. PerkyRayOfSunshine herself. We ordered a St Louis style pizza, which features a very thin crust and a cheese that is NOT mozzarella. From our sidewalk seat we watched the parade of T2D2 archetypes go by:

• Families on vacation with children too young to be out that late or taken into most of the restaurants still open.
• Romantic couples trying to set a mood by taking carriage rides behind smelly, diapered horses.
• Roving bands of urban hipsters trying to look cool without actually spending any money.
• Bar hopping bachelor and bachelorette parties getting totally hammered.

The last group was the most entertaining. Bachelor and bachelorette parties are the local residents' unwitting way of adding color to a tourist district. Nothing is more hilarious that a group of trashed sorority alumnae trying to pry their even drunker tiara-ed victim away from the fire hydrant she is clutching onto for dear life because it is the only thing keeping her from falling into space.

Laclades Landing was pretty dead when we arrived at 9 pm on a Saturday evening but was hopping by eleven when we finished our grain alcohol fueled Fat Tuesday slushies. We hated to leave when all the parties were just getting started, but we had a brewery tour to take the next day.

Laclede’s Landing is typical of the ersatz entertainment districts we have seen in our travels. At most of these, there is usually something just a little phony or false in the décor and atmosphere. They are often in a seedy area of town nobody in their right mine would be caught in after dark if there weren’t plenty of neon around. Also, the mix of bars, restaurants, and shops tends to fit a certain tourist-causal profile. Still, we ate a meal, drank some drinks, and went away amused, so The Landing filled the function it was made for.

Blatant Comment Whoring™: In a future post, I will rate some of the best and worst T2D2’s across the country we have been to. In the meantime, let me know if your town has one or if you have a favorite to visit.