Thursday, September 13, 2007

Porn Star Tips


It’s only natural to be interested in the glamorous world of adult movies. Since most people have had sex at some time or another, it sure looks easy. The best possible way to dissuade yourself is to watch this video from the Adult Industry Medical (AIM) Health Care Foundation. They are a non-profit group founded by a former adult film actress that administers health screening tests to keep sexually transmitted infections (STI) out of the porn industry.

The first half of the two hour movie is a catalog of all the various STIs you can be exposed to. It could form the syllabus for an entire semester of high school Family Life class. They cover AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, HPV, genital warts (you’d be surprised where you can get those), hepatitis, and herpes. They graphically detail the symptoms, transmission vectors, and treatments. If you make it through that gauntlet, they move on to a more general discussion on the adult film industry. For this portion they have the famous (or so I'm told) porn star Nina Hartley (fully clothed) explaining the ins and outs of the business.

Just in case you don’t have the free time I seem to have too much of, I have summarized the more interesting points:

Don’t do anything anyplace you are uncomfortable with. And by uncomfortable place, they don’t mean the back of a Volkswagon. If you haven’t done it in your private life, don’t do it on camera. You can’t ever undo it, but people get to watch it forever.

Don’t get overexposed. That is their pun, not mine. Grabbing every job you can get will burn you out. They will still be making dirty movies next month or next year. Take your time and make it last longer.

Your kids will find out. And your grandmother, your elementary school teacher and all your neighbors. If you can't explain what you do for a living, don't do it.

Reverse cowgirl is great for the inner thighs. Nina and Sharon pantomime some of the more popular positions. They say that one of the trickier moves is the fingercuffs style since the rhythm of keeping both ends in synch can be tough.
Cowgirl
Reverse Cowgirl

Doggie

Some acting is required. If you are female, you have to be able to convincingly say “Gee, I’ve never done THAT with a girl before.” A lot.

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth. This is good news for you fans of the Dirty Sanchez. They do warn that there is an increased risk of hepatitis. However, going ass to vadge is complete no-no. Their rule is “change the hole, wrap the pole.” Anything that has been through the back door has to get washed, dried, and wrapped before being allowed to knock up front.

There are no fluffers. Sorry, guys. Getting up for a scene is completely in your hands. Viagra and Cialis are miracle drugs, but you still have to prime the pump.

Make-up sponges make terrible tampons. If your friend visits while at work, don’t go to the stylist for a stop-gap measure. Those things are not very absorbent for a reason. A better choice is a specially shaped natural sponge.

The video emphasizes that the adult film industry is a career field requiring good financial management, perseverance, and sound judgment. That sounds too much like real work. I think I will stick to my day job.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Are you cut out to be a porn star?

BonusScavengerHunt™: I’ve used three Kevin Smith movie references in this post. Can you find them? Identify the lines and the movie.

17 comments:

Impetua said...

Lordy. I had not expected this post and now I need to go take a shower. Or more than one. How much hot water do we have? Is there any way to wash your brain, to stop the horrifying images? No? Then I'm going to need about 40 gallons of beer, microbrew, not that swill that comes in a can either.

Clearly I am not cut out to be a porn star. I had to google "Dirty Sanchez" a while back when that guy from Saved By the Bell did his sex tape and it took me a while to recover. Also, the Dirty Sanchez is the name of the bar that Vince Vaughn meets Lance Armstrong in, toward the end of "Dodgeball."

Used*to*be*me said...

If I didn't have any issues regarding what people think of me, I could totally be a porn star. However, I would feel really guilty preaching to my kids not to have sex absent love bla bla when I have sex to pay the house payment. Maybe it's just me.

2fs said...

So this post with the "Nina Hartley, R.N." appears the same day as the TDIET with the guy fantasizing about the nurse who'll give him a sponge bath?

yellojkt said...

impetua,
Sorry to traumatize you so. Good catch on the Dodgeball reference, but that wasn't one of the Kevin Smith movies.

2fs,
Pure coincidence on the naughty nurse cartoon. I found AIM while "researching" my Vanessa Hudgens post.

utbm,
Yeah, that's why I can't do porn either. That and my many physical shortcomings.

Mooselet said...

I, um.... Well... I'm kinda speechless here. So I guess that means I could never be a porn star. That and my post-baby stretch marks.

I need a drink now... something really strong.

Impetua said...

*passing microbrew to mooselet*

Jeff said...

Um, yes - it appears you have too much time on your hands. But then again, I still read the whole thing.

Elizabeth said...

"And by uncomfortable place, they don’t mean the back of a Volkswagon"-Chasing Amy

"fingercuffs"-Chasing Amy

"go ass to mouth"-Clerks 2

Yes, I love Kevin Smith! So what do I win??
:o) Elizabeth

yellojkt said...

"uncomfortable place" is actually Mallrats, but you win my respect.

Elizabeth said...

That's right, and it was Ben Afleck that made things, ah, "uncomfortable" right?
:o)

Impetua said...

Okay, is it just me or does there seem to be a theme with the previous post and this one?

Stroke King said...

Good thing about your post is you don't include video. :)

Being a porn star is really a tough job, the main problem about that is your child.. if they go to school and they will ask what is their parents do for a living..

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