Yes, Virginia

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?




"VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
"115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."



VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.



Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.



Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.



You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.



No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.



These photos were taken of the window displays at the Macy's on 34th Street and Herald Square in New York City. The full set of photos can be found here.

Must Be Santa

I know I already posted one Bob Dylan Christmas song already this year, but I have become obsessed with another one. Let me try to enumerate the ways I love it.

1. Bob doesn't even try to lip-synch.
2. I love the mood and setting in this incredibly cool retro-Southern party.
3. Everybody in the video is so bouncy and high-spirited.
4. The women are cute but in a friends-and-family way, as opposed to rap video rumpshaking dancers.
5. Bob keeps doing that 'appear twice in a tracking shot' thing.
6. You can never have too much accordion in a Christmas song.
7. I have no idea why the guy is being chased through the house, but there must be an entire Coen Brothers movie behind it.
8. The list of reindeer always makes me laugh.
9. You can't do better in a music video than an auto-defenstration.
10. Bob Dylan and Santa are my two favorite mythical holiday characters.
    

So I wish all of my friends across the Blogosphere, in FaceBookLand and throughout the Twitterscape a happy and most satisfactory celebration of the arbitrary birthday for the apocryphal religious leader of their choice.

Hat tip to Courtney for featuring yet another Dylan classic today.

Holiday Song Whiplash

Having Members Of The Tribe sing Christmas songs is a time-honored tradition that has made Neil Diamond one of the most beloved singers on those all-Christmas tunes radio stations. But to top even that, there can never enough Bobby Zimmerman singing holiday tunes. Warning: The video could possibly induce photosensitive epilepsy.



As for the Jewish winter holiday, for too long we have had to endure that one Adam Sandler song. But now there is a true genuine Festival Of Lights song written by none other than Orrin Hatch, the Mormon senator from Utah. Get into the true Hanukkah spirit with this song:

Eight Days of Hanukkah from Tablet Magazine on Vimeo.

I see a wonderful cross-cultural trend here. Perhaps we can get Tina Turner to record something celebrating Ramadan or Enya to write something for Tet.

(h/t to Josh Fruhlinger)

A Catonsville Fourth

The quaint little town of Catonsville, just over the river from Ellicott City, has an old-fashioned Fourth of July parade every year. What distinguishes it from other small town parades all over the country is the lengths people go to in order to secure prime seats for the show. Days ahead, people start lining the street with lawn chairs and blankets and benches. They use cord or cable or rope to secure their site and will often leave their family name taped to the lawn furniture.

This morning I rode my bike up the trolley trail to take in this display of possessive patriotism. The parade doesn't start until 3 p.m. but all these pictures were taken between ten and eleven this morning.


Folding chairs, beach chairs, camping chairs, it doesn't matter.


Some groups of chairs are more organized than others.


If you don't have enough chairs for the space you need to save, use police tape to reserve the extra space.


These were two of the nicest chairs on the route. People are mighty trusting with their stuff on the Fourth.


There is a brand new ice cream shop in Catonsville called You Scream. They marked off their section of the sidewalk for their customers. I had some delicious cherry italian ice because it looked so patriotic.


Nothing says patriotism like paying your taxes.


And some people take the color scheme to the extreme.


The Knight of Columbus want to wish you a happy Independence Day, hon.

So whatever you do today, celebrate the freedom and spirit that makes America great.

A Forth Family Life Day

The most beloved tradition in the Forth household is the annual viewing of The Star Wars Holiday Special, a little-known variety show turd that would have been flushed down the pop culture memory hole if it weren’t for fanboys playing with their new VHS or Betamax videocassette recorders. Thanks to the intertubes, it can be found on YouTube, LimeWire, and the BitTorrent client of your choice if you are so inclined. And of course. there is a website totally devoted to it.

Now the full story how this atrocity ever made it on the air is an online exclusive Vanity Fair article. How somebody’s, anybody’s, schlock meter didn’t peg during the production is unfathomable to anyone not familiar with the conventions of late 70s variety show/holiday special conventions.

Just the names of the people involved should have set off alarms. The writer was Bruce Vilanch, the Jabba-esque permanent writer of bad Oscar ceremony patter. Other writers involved included Shields and Yarnell veterans. The original director quit in frustration and the cantina characters nearly asphyxiated in their costumes.

The on-air talent included Jefferson Starship (Star Wars/Starship, get it?), Bea Arthur, Art Carney, and Diahann Carroll. The movie cast appeared at gunpoint. According to the article, Carrie Fisher’s condition was that she got to sing a song, which apparently inspired some of the Postcards From The Edge hitting bottom scenes.

The only redeeming value is the introduction of Bobba Fett as a cult character. But it sure seems a high price to pay.


So if you get bored by the Christmas Story marathon or just need a break from the relatives, read the article and spend some quality time watching the entire campy crapfest.

And may you all have a Happy Life Day with all the Wookiees in your world.

Three Words: Topless Midget Santas

On Andrew Sullivan's Daily Dish blog he has coined the word "hathos" to describe the fascination with things that only deserve scorn. As holiday themed examples he has been posting YouTube links to the worst Christmas clips ever. I actually found this on a different site hoping to submit it to Sully, but he had beat me to it.



Truly the worst Christmas video ever. Enjoy the Hathos.

The Christmas Meme

This little snippet of a meme has been running its course on an e-mail chain I'm on, but rather than just reply to the mailing list, I decided to make a full-fledged post out of it. It's typical of the silly little random question style meme, but since it's the holiday season, I don't want to be a grinch. Here we go:

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
This year? Nothing. We are doing Christmas as BYOP (Buy Your Own Present) so wrapping is a senseless gesture. Most years we do the full wrapping paper with bows. And it’s very obvious which ones who wrapped. My wife could be a professional wrapper and I’m all thumbs.

2. Real tree or Artificial?
We’ve done both off and on. It was a real tree last year, but this year we have a midget artificial tree to keep things easy.

3. When do you put up the tree?
The weekend after Thanksgiving weekend. Or the weekend after that. Definitely before Christmas.

4. When do you take the tree down?
The weekend after New Years Day.

5. Do you like eggnog?
I love it, but I’m the only dairy drinking person in the family. It tastes even better with a little Jack Daniels or rum in it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
A 1/72 scale B-52 bomber model which had a 36" wingspan. I am such a geek.

7. Hardest person to buy for?
My parents. They don’t need anything and it’s hard to come up with something new.

8. Easiest person to buy for?
My nephews and nieces are still little kids and easy to please.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?
Yes, a very nice white ceramic set I inherited from my Grandmother. We didn’t it put it up this year, but it’s nice to have.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
I used to do the world’s greatest Christmas newsletters (the original blogs) but it got to be too much trouble. Then we did cards for a few years before that fell by the wayside. I think it’s been about five years since we mailed anything.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
Too many to enumerate but discretion prevents me from naming any.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
None. Although in recent memory, the first The Santa Cause was well-done.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
All year-round. Since we travel a lot, buying stuff on vacation is a good way find unique gifts.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
A few times, but not to close family members.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
My grandmother’s marshmallow pudding which is a secret family recipe.

16. Lights on the tree?
Oh, yes. I like watching the colored lights blink.

17. Favorite Christmas song?
"Christmas Rapping" by The Waitresses which hasn't made Courtney's annual countdown yet.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home?
I like to be home for Christmas itself but travel a little between Christmas and New Years.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's?
Uh, Dasher and Donner and Dancer and Nixon. And Sleepy and Grumpy and Doc.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
One or two on Christmas Eve and the rest in the morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
Trying to park at a mall when you just want to buy something completely non-holiday related.

23. What theme or color are you using?
White with some holly berry accents.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
I make a mean macaroni and cheese which goes great with a sprial-sliced honey ham.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
A really tricked out video-editing PC, but I want prices to come down a little first, so its not in the cards. Oh, peace and goodwill towards men too.

26. Who is most likely to respond to this?
Don’t care. All my memes are take it or leave it.

27. Who is least likely to respond to this?
The two dozen people that have already done this. I am such a procrastinator.

BlatantCheerSpreading™: Give your answer to any of the above questions.

Elf You

Two years ago, I found a silly dancing Christmas elf gimmick on the web (yeah, there's a first for me) and linked to it. Maybe it's because I credited it to Office Depot instead of OfficeMax or just some quirk of the Google Authority Hype (or GAH!) but a few days ago my blog traffic to that two year old post just exploded (which for me means literally dozens of hits) as people began searching for seasonal goofy gimmicks. And who am I to resist?

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

The Office Max Elf is now powered by JibJab which gives you more choices of dippy dances. Since I am also the King of Cheesy 70s Music, I decided the disco dance version suited me best. And I might was well use the most recent picture of me, which is this one. You can see if I've changed any in two years (the original picture is probably even older than that).



So go ahead and make your dancing elf. It's the spirit of the season. And there's never anything wrong with making fun of yourself on the web.

The Last Christmas Tree

It hit me in early December that this was to be the last full Christmas season that my son would have with us. After he starts college, he will be coming home on breaks, but it won’t be the same. For one thing, we don’t want to put up a huge tree display anymore. So this year, we spent an unusually amount of deference to his wishes for Christmas. Many years we put up an artificial tree that we’ve had for a long time. Years where we were away for most of the season, we have done without a tree at all. This year he wanted a real tree, but didn’t want to go to the trouble of stalking a tree out in the woods like some bloggers I know.

We went to BigBoxOfLumber and looked over their rapidly diminishing stock and found a tree that wasn’t too tall, but was still full enough to avoid references to Charlie Brown. My son in a fit of bravado single-handedly carried it through the door and into the loving room, just to make like of my complaints about its weight. Once set up I did the annual checking of the lights and patiently replaced any burned out bulbs. For all the trouble that is, I think buying all new lights every year is the way to go.

We also used this opportunity to do a triage pass through the ornaments. Twenty years of marriage and twelve years with a teacher as a spouse can collect some truly hideous examples. Anything made of pipe cleaners or with magic marker labeling went. Ornaments with a connection to my son went in a separate box to serve as a starter set for if and when he has his own tree.

(click on image for a barely readable version)

The ornaments that made the cut for tree hanging were the ones that either commemorated an event or a place or a special memory. The hardest one to hang was the English Cocker Spaniel that my wife had hand colored to match the markings of our dog. He is watching us from Doggie Heaven this year. An a brighter note, at my son’s insistence, The Defiant made its return to the tree after several years of being vetoed by my wife as too geeky. The concept of a Star Trek ornament itself is nerdy enough, but this one has blinking running lights that plug into the tree lights.

Last night my son, who has been threatening to bake Santa some chocolate chip cookies since he knows those are my least favorite, instead left out egg nog and slices of raw sugar cookie dough. I went down to inspect that the snacks had been placed where Santa could find them. My son yelled down to check on me and I could only reply with a muffled “Mmmmph.” Needless to say, Santa enjoyed his snack. A kid is only a kid once, but Christmas will always bring out the kid in anyone.

Merry Christmas To Family and Friends,
Real and Virtual

Christmas Waitresses

Two of my favorite blogs, Midvale School For The Gifted Alumni Association (I have a MVSFTG tee shirt, and now that my wife is no longer a G&T teacher, I can wear it more often) and A Little Night Music (or is it Dance As Though No One Is Watching, I get confused), are linking to Christmas tunes all through December. I love listening to them while I am blogging or paying bills. So thanks to HRH Courtney, Queen of Everything and The Mistress of the Dark for brightening my holiday season. In the spirit of giving back, this is my favorite Christmas song which is by the archetypal 80s one-and-a-half hit wonder band The Waitresses:

Get this widget | Track details | eSnips Social DNA

Christmas time is about the only time to ever hear The Waitresses on the radio, so that makes the season doubly special. They also did the theme song to the Square Pegs, the too-cool-to-last 80s high school show that showcased Sarah Jessica Parker long before she started having sex in the city. And that show STILL is not out on DVD yet. Maybe next Christmas.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: What is your favorite obscure holiday song and/or forgotten 80s band?

The Christmas Elf

Christmas memories are tricky. They are so tied up in wishful thinking, pop-culture and the collective unconscious that they really can’t be trusted. Joel Achenbach falsely remembered a childhood of watching Christmas specials with his mom. His mom refused to collaborate this fantasy. I’d get a new mom.

I have a rather vivid memory from my early elementary school days, back when kids quit believing in Santa Claus but want to keep the game going. I had been an elf in a school Christmas pageant. I saved the elf costume and hid it at a neighbor’s house. Early Christmas morning I woke up before everybody else like I always do and went to the neighbor’s and changed my pajamas for the elf suit.

I then returned home and woke everybody else up insisting that I was one of Santa’s helpers left behind to help with the presents. Everybody played along but kept trying to trick me into admitting I wasn’t an elf. At first they wouldn’t let me open ‘my’ presents, because some elf-imposter shouldn’t be opening someone else’s gifts. Eventually they relented and accepted my convoluted reasoning. I had a great time playing along and helping keep the Christmas magic going.

I have no evidence this ever happened. I have never seen pictures of me in the elf costume and my parents never bring it up as one of their fond memories. They prefer to remember the year I woke everybody up at 12:30 am thinking it was 6:00 because the clock hands were straight up and down. Still, that memory of Christmas morning as an elf is as real to me as Santa Claus and his flying reindeer.

Thanks to the good folks at Office Depot, I can recreate that magical morning on the internet. Click here or on the elf for my special Christmas production exclusively for readers of this blog. Or go here and make one of your own.

Merry Christmas

from Yellojkt

Blatant Christmas Cheer Spreading™: Share a memory from your childhood or link to your own Christmas story.

Christmas Presence

I hate to sound curmudgeonly in the run-up to Christmas, but it’s a pretty well established maxim that up to a third of all money spent at Christmas is wasted. The recipient either doesn’t like it or doesn’t want it or would not have paid as much as you did for it. Even gift cards aren’t a true solution. The get lost or forgotten, or they expire or aren’t good with other discounts. I have a real problem with this. At some point, someone used real money to buy the gift card and why should money be less useful because it is on a card instead of a piece of paper with a picture of a president.

On the other hand, gifts have value more than the price of the item. A recent Washington Post article told of a study that determined people (well, college students, but they are close enough) thought something they were given was worth more than the same item if they had to buy it. A coffee mug was worth up to four more dollars more in their minds if it had been a gift. I think it just reflects the buyer/owner divide. A quick glance through Craigslist will reveal people think their used stuff is way more valuable than it really is.

Sentimental value goes to the heart of the real purpose of presents. My parents visited recently and we had a discussion about gifts. My dad and I thought you should give people something you think they would like. My mother insisted that you gave a present because it was something you want the person to have. That is a really, really, big difference and explains a lot of gifts over the years.

Some presents just scream that there was no thought whatsoever. The lamest present I ever got was from my brother. Still wrapped in the paper bag it came in, he gave me a copy of the Bhagavad Gita he had clearly picked up from a Hare Krishna in the airport on his way home. Nothing like last minute shopping from religious fanatics with shaved heads.

My wife has a lot of experience with useless gifts. She is a teacher and every Christmas she is bombarded with tacky crap. There are just so many cliché teacher gifts. You only need so many Christmas tree ornaments featuring apples. She finally had to institute a no-candles policy because she got tired of hauling an entire bag of them to Goodwill every year. She is very appreciative of gift cards for places where she shops, which is about everywhere. Even that is subject to some horse-mouth checking. She tells her students she likes books, so they get her a gift card from OtherBigBoxOfBooks which is near where her students live but not as convenient as the OriginalBigBoxOfBooks near us. At least the kids' parents were thinking of her.

If you do subscribe to the silly useless presents school of throwing money away, nothing is better than the Dave Barry's Desparation Gift Giving Guide. My favorite on this list it the Electronic Message Brassiere. This $500 light-up lingerie lets a woman display a message across her chest right where men will most notice it most. My wife’s suggestion was to write “TAKE OUT THE TRASH”. She figures she might as well as ask me do something useful while she has my undivided attention.

Blatant Comment Whoring™: What is the worse present you ever got or gave? Start here to read some answers from the Achenblog.

Ornamental Memories

I’m having a hard time catching the Christmas spirit this year. I’m just going through the motions. My blogfriend, kb, put up a funny timetable of the stages of Christmas. The pace of the season makes it hard to just sit back and relax.

The one Christmas ritual that I find most comforting is to just sit in the dark and watch the lights blink on the Christmas tree. It just lets the tension of the day ooze away. Last year I wrote a post where I made a tree out of pictures of our ornaments. Most of the ornaments are souvenirs from our vacations. Since then we took our marathon cross-country round trip and added a few ornaments to the tree.

The St. Louis Arch was a blast. That was also where we saw the Budweiser Clydesdales including one that was very glad to see us.

At the Grand Canyon, there is a building done in the architectural style of the local Native Americans called the Hopi House. Inside they sell various crafts and souvenirs from local Indian. The condors like to hang out right outside as well.

This Alamo ornament is actually prettier than the real thing. After all, it was only a quirk of history that turned this particular mission into a national icon rather than one of the other ones in the San Antonio area.

Perhaps that is part of what I find so relaxing about watching Christmas tree lights. Knowing that there are so many memories hanging from the branches.

Blatant Comment Whoring™: What memories do you have on your tree?