Sunday, October 09, 2005
Hunkiest. Nutjob. Ever.
My wife has enjoyed watching Tom Cruise take his shirt off since All The Right Moves way back in 1983. The volleyball scene in Top Gun has been the cause of more worn out pause buttons than anything this side of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.
This week's Entertainment Weekly irn thei Super Special Size Double Photo Issue™, now on sale, runs a remaindered photo of Tom soaking wet which leaves little of his physique to the imagination. My wife duly and respectfully noted that he has managed to stay a pretty fine prime A grade hunk of well muscled beefcake. This is over twenty years after he started out as a dumb but hunky dreamboat teen movie star. Personally, I think he looks like he’s auditioning for wet t-shirt night at the Hippo (just kidding, Mr. Tom’s Lawyer), but I’m not a good judge of these things.
Tom’s management of his career up to now has been astutely calculated to maximize both his box-office clout and serious actor cred. He typically alternates matinee brain candy movies with edgier and more artistic fare. No current actor, other than maybe his War of the Worlds co-star Dakota Fanning, has worked with a wider range of A+ costars and directors. In fact, co-starring with Tom Cruise is a great Oscar-bait tactic, especially since great actors look even more talented in comparison.
Then he fired his long-time publicist and hired his fellow Scientologist sister and the wheels fell of the gravy train. He is not going to be standing in a soup kitchen line anytime soon, but you have to think his latest couch jumping antics have hurt his merchantability. Let’s compare Tom to another well-known hot, but completely nuts, celebrity, Angelia Jolie:
Tom has vociferously fought any allegations of homosexuality. I have always contended that Nicole Kidman is many things, but a Rock Hudson-era beard is not one of them. The guy just gets too many hot women for to play for the other team.
However, I have always thought his virility may be a little suspect. His first marriage to Mimi Rodgers was childless. Nicole and he adopted two children, proving they did want a family. His sudden and unexpected divorce from her was right around the time that Nicole admitted to miscarrying. I have never heard of any quote specifically naming Tom (or anyone else for that matter) as the father. All these facts would be consistent with a famous defensive and hyper-masculine man that just happens to be shooting blanks.
If, as current celebrity gossip holds, Katie Holmes is pregnant, and the child is born with caterpillar bushy eyebrows and a hawk nose, any rumors of impotence will be thoroughly reputed. It seems like a lot of trouble on his part just to prove a point. I just feel sorry for little Joey Potter and her future child being dragged into this endgame of watching the greatest movie star of our era self-destruct.
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