Thursday, January 11, 2007

Bad Idea Foobs


This week, Liz Patterson discovered that her "Mr. Right" was fooling around on her. This did not come as a surprise to anyone. I called it back in September. Rather than being infuriated with the slow motion denouement of this fait accompli, I am delighted, because I finally understand how stories from Foob Central unfold.

Last month while I was pounding my head against the kitchen table as Michael Patterson ran into a burning house to rescue a laptop that held the draft of an incredibly cheesy sub-Silhouette romance novel, I came upon an epiphany.

In the R-rated Tony® Award-winning Broadway puppet show Avenue Q there are some characters call the Bad Idea Bears. These cute snuggly Care Bearish tempters give the other characters really awful advice, like to drink five Long Island Iced Teas on a work night or to hook up with the neighborhood slut to get back at your girlfriend. The Bad Idea Bears create all sorts of plot twists when their absurd advice backfires.

In the Foobiverse, there are Bad Idea Foobs that are always whispering atrocious suggestions to the Pattersons. The only problem is that when a foob follows the most ludicrous course of action imaginable, everything comes up roses. Let’s look at Liz as a case study:

Last Summer

Liz: I wish I knew what to do next year.
Bad Idea Foob 1: You got a job at a school where the kids adore you.
Bad Idea Foob 2: Yeah, you let them watch TV and they never complain to their parents.
BIF1: And that cop guy is crazy for you.
BIF2: He would do anything for you.
BIF1: The only thing that makes sense is to move a thousand miles away and hope you can find a new job.
BIF2: Maybe you can even move back in with your folks. April will be glad to give up her room.
Liz: Thank, Bad Idea Foobs. If I were back home, I would have more time to spend with that divorced loser that keeps stalking me.

Six Months Later

Liz: My ex-boyfriend that never got over me has just offered me a ride to see my current sweetheart. There is no way he could have an ulterior motive. What should I do?
BIF1: Take the ride. You’ll get there a day early.
BIF2: Just make sure you don’t bother to tell anyone. It’s better as a surprise.
BIF1: That way if your lonely boyfriend is shacking up with your replacement, you can catch them in the act.
BIF2: Yeah, that would make her your replacement in more ways than one. Tee hee.
Liz: Then I would have to take the bus alone all the home from Mtigittinlucky to Milborough. The only person I can confide in is Anthony.
Bad Idea Foobs (in unison): We’ve always told you he was the right one for you!

Once I recognized the paradigm of the Pattersons, I can now read For Better Or For Worse in it’s proper context. Stupid people do the worst thing possible and it all turns out for the best. It all makes sense. In a disturbing Bad Idea Foob sort of way.

Update (1/31/07): See this entry for my Michael Patterson revelations.

Blatant Comment Whoring™: Which stupid Patterson will do something idiotic next?

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Farley!

DemetriosX said...

Well, April is overdue for an out of character brat attack, but more likely Warren will come on too strong, thus pushing Liz into Anthony's waiting arms. It's also about time for John to by the train house, so that Mike and brood can move into his boyhood home and have lots more space to hide from his family. TBH, the most idiotic act is probably Deanna not divorcing Mike.

yellojkt said...

Deanna is a special case since she is a Patterson by marriage but she still does stuff just as idiotic.

Anonymous said...

Your depth of investment in the Foobiverse is indeed impressive - and way out of my league.

If you'd like, I can comment on whether I think Garfied is going to eat John's next pan of lasagna. I'm pretty sure I can get that right.

Anonymous said...

"Stupid people do the worst thing possible and it all turns out for the best."

We can only wish that's also the concept behind the Bush Administration.

Moon_city said...

Lynn! The BIFs will convince her to recycle old FBofW storylines into the equivilent of a TV clip show..!

Oh, wait... they already did!

jmarkow said...

If this were any other strip than Fooberville Trolley, I would bank on Apwil having to decide whether to sleep with her bandmate/boyfriend, but as this IS Foob, and Lynn has no clue that people screw before marriage these days, I will opt for John buying the 'cute little place with the double lot' for his trains. This could lead to multiple f' ups. Michael's novel will tank, and he won't be able to make the payments on the family homestead, so Deanna will pack up the kids and leave him. Then, Elly will have to go back to work at the bookstore she formerly owned, while John returns to the open, smelly maws of his dental patients full time, so they can make dual house payments. This will be after spending all of Apwil's college money, thereby alienating her and forcing her into the lesbian embrace of Evah.
Anyway, that's what I think.
Oh, yeah.
jmarkow1

yellojkt said...

Pure wishful thinking, markow. And the Classic/Frozen FBorFW will be such a melange of styles it will be a train wreck. Well, a bigger train wreck.

And could Dubya be a Patterson? That would make my head explode.

jmarkow said...

If Dubya's not a Patterson by birth, he is surely one by inclination. All of the self-righteousness and entitlement issues are in place.

Anonymous said...

FBoFW is like watching a horrific car wreck - you know you shouldn't, you know it's full of pain and suffering and tragedy and life cut short, but you can't stop staring. You feel a sense of shame afterwards, but yet you turn around and look at it again.

Or maybe that's me.

Next up - Jon will convince Elly to buy the other house so Michael and his spawn can live in Chez Patterson.

Anonymous said...

ummm...if you dislike the comic so much, if you find it so very trite and predictable, why do you read it? there are tons of other comics such as questionable content, stone soup, commissioned and many more.

jmarkow said...

My reason to keep reading Foob is largely the same as the reason I keep trying foods I loved as a kid. I really want to believe they really are as good as I remember, although, to the greater degree, they are not. Has it's moments, tho.