Torqueberto: The Musical

Earlier this week, in a snarky Wonkette comment, I gave our current (check CNN.com for latest status) Attorney General the nickname "Torqueberto". Comparing the author of the discredited government torture policy to the infamous Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition (which nobody ever expects) is not a new idea. But I think I am the first to create the portmanteau “Torqueberto” . It’s a great shorthand for the real reason why Gonzales should not be holding the highest law enforcement office in the country, he has no respect for the rule of law or the rights of individual.

I hereby register the phrase “Torqueberto” under a Creative Commons license (must attribute, no commercial use) and allow unlimited free use in diatribes, rants, invectives, and calls for resignation. If you want to understand why I am so vehement about this latest in a string of incompetent and unethical Bush cronies, read this four part comprehensive litany of Gonzales’s failings by Washington Post legal blogger Andrew Cohen.

If you want cheap shot parody, read on.

In addition to the much-quoted Monty Python sketch, the hilarity of the Spanish Inquisition was immortalized in Mel Brooks' The History Of The World, Part I with an upbeat dance production. With a little updating it can also be modernized to show how much fun religously motivated torture can still be.

(Nobody Expects) The Bush Administration

[Hooded monk speaks to the camera, and introduces
the lead singer for the next number...]

All pay heed! Now enters his holiness, Torqueberto,
the Attorney General of the Bush Administration.
Torqueberto - sends retards to the electric chair.
Torqueberto - fires lawyers for no reason at all.
Torqueberto - calls torture just a frat prank.
Let's face it - this guy is gonna take a fall!

[Al Gonzales and his lackeys singing...]

Bush Administration (We run the nation)
Bush Administration (Let’s have a celebration)
We had a mission to invade Iraq (‘Raq, ‘Raq, ‘Raq, ‘Raq, ‘Raq, ‘Raq, ‘Raq)
We're gonna rule them for certain.
We're gonna hire Haliburton
and take all the oil fields away. (Just take them away)

Confess, don't be boring.
Say yes, don't be dull.
A fact you're ignoring:
It's better to lose your keffiyeh than your keister (Allāhu Akbar!)
Bush Administration (run by Rove)
Bush Administration (Scooter says so)
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away.
But the Bush Administration lies and it lies every day!

[Cut to two old Muslim mullahs hanging by their wrists
who start talking to each other]

"I was sitting in a mosque. I was minding my own business.
I was listening to a lovely Koran mass.
Then these Neocon persons plundered and they throw me in a dungeon
and they shove a red hot poker up my ass.
Is that considerate? Is that polite?
And not a tube of Preparation H in sight!"

"I'm sittin' knittin’ prayer rugs
and I'm renditioned by some thugs
and suddenly these infidels chain me to a wall.
I didn't even know them
and they grabbed me by the scrotum
and started hooking batteries to my balls!
Ooh, the agony! Ooh, the shame!
To make my privates public for a game?"

[Back to Al and his lackeys singing...]

Bush Administration (run by cronies)
Bush Administration (that's no baloney)
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away.
But the Bush Administration's here and it's here to-

[Someone calls over to Torqueberto while in the middle of a routine ...]

"Hey Torqueberto, walk this way."
"I just got back from the Abu-Ghraib."
" Abu-Ghraib? What's an Abu-Ghraib?"
"It's where waterboardin’ ain’t torture, babe!"

[Torqueberto speaks to a row of prisoners]

Will you convert? "No, no, no, no."
Will you confess? "No, no, no, no."
Will you revert? "No, no, no, no."
Will you say yes? "No, no, no, no!"
Now I asked in a nice way, I said, "Waste more money."
"I let them hang Hussein, now I'll hunt down Sistani!"

[Someone calls over to Torqueberto again ...]

"Hey Torqueberto, walk this way.
We got a little game that you might wanna play,
just say ‘WMD’ and invade foreign soil."
"Who knows, Al, you might win some oil!"

[Torqueberto, spins a huge slot machine, with Arabs in place of the cherries, lucky 7's, etc. on the slot wheel. It comes up a winner, and gold starts pouring out of the machine. Torqueberto leans over to a flunky and says, "Give it to Cheney..."]

"How we doin', any terrorists today?"
"Not a one, nay, nay, nay."
"We flattened their fingers, we branded their buns!
Nothing is working! Send in the pun-dits!"

[A bunch of Fox News pundits appear surrounding a pool of water. They shad their robes to reveal bathing suits, dive into the pool, and perform an old-style aquatic musical number. Some Iraqis are seen shooting down slides and into the water. The pundits surround the Iraqis, and pull them under water. Than the rest of the cast joins for the big chorus line at the end of the song..]

Bush Administration, way down in the polls.
Bush Administration, cause we sold our souls.
We know you're wishin' that we'd go away!
So all you Iranians and you Iraqis
We got big news: listen to the fact-i’s:
You'd better change your point of views TODAY!
'Cause the Bush Administration lies. Just ask Tom Delay!

Disclaimers and Pleas For Mercy
Mel Brooks: Don’t sue. This is fair use satire. Besides I’ve seen The Producers three times.
Islamic Fundamentalists: Please do not issue a fatwa. This is parody and I don’t approve of torture.
Torqueberto: Don’t use this as a pretext to read my mail, record my phone calls, or check my library records. (I’m probably too late here.)
Our Next Attorney General: Please do something to restore our nation’s reputation as the champion of human rights and individual liberties.

Hat tip to Funny Farm for the original lyrics.
Also see bc's playhouse for a first draft of the Torqeuberto resignation letter.