NCCCC: Best Ambiguously Gay Duo

Suspiciously close buddy characters have been staples of the comics scene since at least Mutt and Jeff. Often these character seem to be much more than friends. Inseparable, the characters share a bond that dare not speak its name in a family newspaper. Well before Robert Smiegel immortalized the phrase, the Ambiguously Gay Duo has been in the closet of the funny pages for ages. For the last catagory in this years National Coolest Comics Character Competition, we need to uncover which ones are the best.

First, lets eliminate a few that didn’t make the cut. While Rex Morgan is clearly the biggest flamer since Rock Hudson in Pillow Talk, his string of boy-toys (and Troys) don’t ever stick around long enough to form the lasting bond we are looking for here. Another good nomination was Ted and Sally Forth. I’m on the record defending Ted’s masculinity and I can’t reverse my stance now, no matter how much recent strips seem designed to mock me. I am also ruling Mike Patterson and Weed ineligible since I outed Mike in great detail recently. And finally, while we all dream of being the bacon in a Margo/LuAnn/Tommie club sandwich, it just isn’t going to happen. Get over it.

Breed standards: Subtext is the key here. Everything should pass the “dirty minds only” test. The couple should be defendable as “just friends”. Peppermint Patty and Marcie are the gold standard in this category.

Faults: Any hint of camp or self-awareness ruins the effect.

Lets put the nominees under the proctoscope:

Sarge and Beetle Beetle Bailey	Pro: The sub-dom roleplay that goes on everyday at the parade field of the most don’t-ask/don’t tell army base this side of Advanced Language School is shocking. The vicious sado-masochistic rituals that Sarge and Beetle engage in makes me think that at least one of them has forgotten the safe word.	Con: At a post with Lt. Fuzz, Julian, Plato, Sgt Lugg, and Private Bipps, Beetle doesn’t even qualify as the gayest character in his own strip.
Hagar and Lucky Eddie Hagar the Horrible	Pro: These two spend an awful lot of time together. Sailing ships, raiding castles, even getting stranded on deserted islands. What are two Vikings doing spending so much time in the tropics anyways? Eddie even tags along with Hagar on dates with his wife. They form the ultimate bear/nellie couple.	Con: Eddie has pretty poor fashion sense for such a nancy-boy. And if I were married to Helga, I would spend a lot of time with my cabin boy, too.
Herb and Jamal Herb and Jamal	Pro: The awkward glances and frequent longing stares make you wish these two would get a room. While Herb is ostensibly married, his frequent declarations of devotion to Jamal are just short of Brokeback Mountain obvious. Jamal should have scored ages ago with Yolanda if he had any interest whatsoever. Which he obviously doesn’t.	Con: The relationship is sappy, verging on cloying. These brothas need to do a better job of keeping things on the down low.
Frank and Ernest Frank and Ernest	Pro: Have you ever seen these two apart? This inseparable couple have way more than just a straight man/stand-up relationship. A zombie strip that has never been funny at any level, let alone subliminal. Let's face it, the cleverest thing about the strip is it's title.	Con: These two are way too slobby to ever get any action at any of the good bars.
Bernice and Delta Luann	Pro: Since Wheelchair Guy left the scene, Bernice has been wearing more and more comfortable shoes. And Delta has never been seen with any romantic interest at all. My guess is that when wet blanket Luann isn’t around, they listen to a lot of Tracy Chapman together.	Con: It’s just not sexy. Not in the least. Besides, a Bernice/Delta/Tiffany triangle is about the only permutation that hasn't been tried.
Dennis and Joey Dennis The Menace	Pro: At least we know who is the pitcher and who is the catcher in this couple. Joey’s too small, too tight clothes just scream future rent-boy. It would also explain Dennis’s reluctance to ever play doctor with Margaret or the hot-to-trot Gina.	Con: Opening that can of worms calls into question the whole Dennis/Mr. Wilson relationship, which is a place I don’t want to go.

Take a stab in the dark and shed some light into the comics darkest closets. As always, feel free to explain your choice or make a suggestion of your own in the comments.