Wednesday, August 29, 2007
In a surprise announcement yesterday, Barney the Scottie announced that he is resigning as First Dog. Barney is the latest in a succession of White House pets to jump ship including recent departures by Fredo, Turd Blossom, and Scooter. In his formal statement, Barney stated that he was leaving to pursue outside squirrels and spend more time with his bitches. Barney’s sudden departure has pundits questioning the conventional wisdom of how to get a friend in Washington.
Barney was frequently criticized for being a lap-dog and accused of being too yippie to be a presidential pet. President George W. Bush has defending his choice by saying, “Barney might not be a goldie, but he is no French poodle and I am tired of his name being dragged through the mud like a bone.”
One controversy that has dogged Barney is his refusal to give his account of The Pretzel Incident, citing execu-pet privilege. Barney is the only witness to the events surrounding Bush’s mysterious fainting spell. Despite multiple subpoenas, Barney claims that the cat has got his tongue.
Left-wing blogs have raised unsubstantiated rumors about Barney’s whereabouts during the tragic drive-by killing of former First Pet Buddy Clinton. Barney has repeatedly stated that his accusers are barking up the wrong tree.
Another unconfirmed rumor is that Barney is in top secret negotiations with Socks The Cat to head up a bi-pet-ison anti-terrier-ist campaign.
A replacement pet has not been named but insiders say that possible choices include Eddie from Frasier, Blues Clues, or The Target Bullseye Dog.
Michael Vick could not be reached for comment.