When Ted Met Sally

This week in Sally Forth, Francesco Marciuliano is exploring what would have happen if Ted and Sally had never met. He is also exploring other counterfactuals on his Francesco Explains It All blog.

But some things are fate. They just might not have happened as we imagined them. Here is my version of When Ted Met Sally.

Without Sally, Ted would have been drawn deeper and deeper into his neuroses.

And without a stabilizing influence, Sally's business instincts would have had no limits.

But somethings are meant to be, no matter how dark and twisted.

And they lived happily ever after.

Birthday Wishes From Me Via Ted Forth

Loyal and dedicated readers of my blog will know that my wife and I have the same exact birthday. You can read the whole touching heartfelt story here. And clearly, Ces of Sally Forth fame and Medium Large notoriety knew that as well.

In fact, I’m going to go so far as to put on my Weingarten Cap Of Asshattery and declare that the first panel of today’s strip, appearing on my and my wife’s exact birthday, is a touching tribute to a relationship that has now spanned thirty birthdays dedicated specifically for me. For it was on this day in 1980 that I drew her aside while we were at the University of South Florida Model United Nations and gave her a birthday card.

So, my darling wife, if you read this post, let it be known that my love has only grown over the twenty-nine years since I first gave you that card.

And Ces, if you have the original artwork for that strip, the first panel would be the perfect payment for being the only entry in the Medium Large Guy Look-Alike Contest. That first panel sums up how I have felt for nearly three decades about my wife, partner, and friend. The last two frames where Ted petulantly defends himself against jealous recriminations, not so much.

Sally Forth On Film

Updated: 10/31/08
The Sally Forth Expo was a big success. Every rabid fan of the coolest working mom in comics was there. The big announcement was that Sally and her family and friends will be following in Garfield’s illustrious pawprints and make the move to the big screen. While a few minor details need to be worked out like filming, casting, financing, and negotiating rights, the producers feel confident that they can work with King Features Syndicate to get Francesco Marciuliano’s indentured servitude contract transferred cheaply enough to get the script on the way.

And while there was a lot of buzz, the titular (my very favorite word) role has yet to be cast. Unfortunately some very talented stars had to be crossed off the list because they are getting a little long in the tooth. Sorry, Sally Fields. As much as we would love to make the tagline “And Sally starring as Sally”, the powers to be decided that Gidget just didn’t work it with the target Atari Generation demographic.

But here are the actresses that have made the short list:

	Terri Hatcher Having never made the successful jump to the big screen, this desperate housewife would make a very sexy mom to a big screen Hilary. Less convincing would be that any potential Ted Forth could have landed her.
	Sela Ward While at 53, she is a little older than Sally’s youthful 40, her canonical performance as a harried divorcée in "Once And Again" keeps her in the running. If Meryl Streep can play a near-convincing aging hippie in Mamma Mia, Ward could pull off baby-boomer Sally.
	Anne Hathaway As she outgrows The Princess Diaries, Hathaway is breaking out of her Disney-fied squeaky clean roles. While a little young for the part, she has the lanky awkward figure necessary to play the smirky businesswoman.
	Alan Cumming This thespian chameleon can disappear into any role, and who better to mix Sally’s soft femininity and savvy business persona into a single character.
	Angelina Jolie If you are going to dream, dream big. And is it really that big of a stretch from Mrs. Smith to Mrs. Forth? This could be her return to the Oscar podium.
	Lauren Graham I've added this write-in candidate as late entry. The Gilmore Mom knows plenty about cracking-wise and making obscure pop cultural references. Her TV character even had a toxic mom to deal with. What better experience could you ask for?

I haven’t done a poll in a while, so make your picks and we will forward on our results to the studio. (Be patient with the vote counter, it lags a little, but your vote is being counted. You get what you pay for.)




BlatantCommentWhoring™: Any one else deserve to sit on the casting couch?

Sally Forth Expo Info

Blogging may be light this weekend as I’ll be attending the big SFX extravaganza. As teased by Crispy Gamer, this annual event puts the Penny Arcade Expo and ComiCon to shame. I hope to see you there. Here is the publicity flyer for more information:

Sally Forth Expo

October 18, 2008
Main Street Days Inn
Gilligan Ballroom - formerly the Weight Room
(somebody broke the Stairmaster)

Join us for a full day of Sally-riffic entertainment as you bond with fellow Forth-philes and enjoy all things retro, suburban, and bland.

9:00	Registration Meet and greet Jackie while she skims off the cash box to finance her next backpacking trip to Europe. Jackie will also be giving change all day in the Game Arcade where you can play vintage video games including Dig-Dug, Joust, Galaga, and Burger Time. High scorers on each machine will be recognized at the banquet.
10:00	Keynote Speaker - How to Deal With a 'Ralph' in Your Office Sally Forth Be sure to hear our heroine as she shares her secrets to co-managing with a Machiavellian partner as well as balancing life as a career woman, mother, and PFLAG chapter president.
10:05	How To Get Free Money & Faster Raises Ralph With over twenty years of managerial experience, including two in the food services industry, Ralph shares his tips on how to undercut rivals and steal the thunder from coworkers while claiming all the credit. Meet in the lobby for this once in a lifetime opportunity.
11:00	Managing a Mid-Life Office Romance Alice Our favorite cougar tells why it is important to turn off the broadcast feature of your networked copier before any lunch time supply closet trysts.
12:00	Lunch On your own. See the front desk for directions to Applebees or Bronco Burger. Or visit our dealer room where you can find all those childhood treasures that got thrown away including Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, Trivial Pursuit: Big 80s Edition, and those hard to find gladiator movie boxsets.
1:00	How To Deal With Disappointment Laura Sally’s mom dispenses tips on how to lower your expectations and mask your disgust with your effeminate son-in-law, pudgy granddaughter and slutty youngest child. A list of very prescription-friendly physicians will be distributed.
2:00	Trading Cameos For Hipster Cred Francesco Marciuliano Ces explains staying cool while being a tool for King Syndicates by name-dropping all your much more talented and edgier friends into the strip. Guest appearances by Jeff Jowdy and David Murrell.
3:00	Getting Frisky In A Family Strip Ted Forth, Arlo Day, Walt Duncan, and Hi Flagstone A roundtable discussion on just what you can and can’t get away with. Expect some special back-stage stories about what happened in the fifth panel that you never got to see.
4:00	“We’re Just Friends” Hilary and Faye A symposium on the joys of platonic female bonding with a special tribute to Peppermint Patty and Marcie.
5:00	Co-Ed Team Crossword Puzzle Tournament Find an office spouse to enter this thrilling double-elimination competition. With special guest judge Aria.
6:00	Dinner and Awards Featuring an all-you-can-eat meatloaf bar ($15 supplement) We will also be presenting some special awards in the following categories: Toxic Mother Of The Year Horror Movie Creature Song Of The Year Machiavellian Manager Lifetime Achievement Award And the evening will round-out with a PowerPoint Slide Show of this season's softball league highlights.
7:00	Costume Contest Show off your best 80s’s style business wear. Ladies, break out those big floppy bowties. And gents, let’s see some Gordon Gecko quality suspenders. If you can't make it in person, be sure to send your pictures direct to Ces.
8:00	Concert: Vampire Monkeys Direct from their sold-out Roseland appearance and mid-size arena tour of South Korea, we are proud to welcome the Vampire Monkeys with opening act Pela and special guest appearance by New Delhi Monkey Gang.
10:30	Movie Night Join us in the video lounge for continuous showings of “The Last Starfighter” and “The Star Wars Christmas Special”

We expect another sold-out event so register early. You would hate be shut out again after last year’s drunken debacle made the front page of The Comics Reporter.

I-N-T-I-M-A-T-E

Ces has been taking Sally Forth, that eighties throwback about a career woman in Corporate America, deep into Ice Storm territory as Ted Forth (my hero) makes a new friend at work. However, this friend has a vagina. And jazz hands. Here are some places this story line could go:

• Re-enactment of the elevator scene from Disclosure
• A really, really awkward Christmas Party with an embarrassing encounter at the meatloaf bar.
• A seven letter Tammy Wynette song.
  
• Door-slamming bedroom farce when Ted talks Sally into going with him to a pop culture convention and a certain new friend shows up as well.
• Co-ed naked Rock-'Em Sock-'Em Robots.
• Science fiction revelation where the new friend is revealed to be Ted from the future after his inevitable gender re-assignment surgery.
  
• A heart-warming monogamy-affirming resolution where Ted learns the boundaries of workplace relationships.
• A boiled pet bunny. 'Nuff said.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Just how far will Ted go?

Comic Strip Temporal Dynamics

or Why Gene Weingarten Is An Asshat


In what seems to a prescient rebuttal (since strips are written weeks in advance and the Hilary Forth for President post only happened last week) to Gene Weingarten’s continued wrong-headed theories of temporal dynamics, today’s Sally Forth directly states that all comic strip continuity dates backwards from the present. Otherwise the accumulated anachronisms would become unbearably limiting and characters created in the 80s or earlier would be unable to make jokes about anything contemporary like cell phones or internet surfing.

Gene Weingarten styles himself as some sort of comics expert but he continually spouts completely ridiculous assessments of comics. His opinions are colored by his pals in the industry. Stephan Pastis of Pearls Before Swine frequently contributes to Gene’s online chats, but nobody is a bigger asshole buddy of Gene than Jef Mallett, creator of borderline-disturbing independently-wealthy elementary school janitor Frazz. While the comic is all aboveboard, no real school employee would be allowed to be as cozy as this Calvin-haired custodian is with prepubescent kids.

Now Gene Weingarten and current Sally Forth writer (and longtime indulger of my solitary obsession with the Forths) Francesco ‘Ces’ Marciuliano have butted heads in the past. In a 2002 chat about comics, Gene Weingarten had this to say:

I knew the guy who started Sally Forth 15 years ago. He was a lawyer who could not draw. His early cartoons were just TERRIBLE. And because they were terrible, they were sort of charming. Then he hired a slightly better (but not good) cartoonist, and things went downhill rapidly. Sally Forth is one of those comics that is listless because it is no longer drawn by its creator.

The Washington Post online comics site credits the strip as "Sally Forth
by Steve Alaniz & Francesco Marciuliano; drawn by Craig MacIntosh" despite the fact that Steve Alaniz hasn't had anything to do with the strip for years. That Ces writes but does not draw the strip has also befuddled Gene for a long time. Here is a direct exchange between the two from 2003:

Francesco Marciuliano: Can you keep the comic strips where the author didn't so much give up the ghost but simply writing duties and royalties, like my job at "Sally Forth"? I need the money, people! Where else am I supposed to get that kind of cash?! Cockfighting? The chicken will beat the living crap out of me.

Gene Weingarten: Howdy, Francesco. I was a friend of the first guy who started Sally Forth. Whatsizname. The lawyer. Funny man. Couldn't draw. He was right to get out of the drawing biz You draw better. I know that's not saying much, but I think you draw well.

"Whatsizname" is Greg Howard. Not that tough to remember for someone you claim to know. This led Ces to make the following life-changing realization:

*No matter how many emails you send him, no matter how often you post on his Tuesday discussion board, no matter how frequently you point him in the direction of your syndicate's Web site, Washington Post humorist Gene Weingarten will never get that you only write "Sally Forth," you do not also draw it.

But Gene began to come around. In 2005, Sally Forth was named as his Comic Of The Week, drawing this reaction from Ces:

Shocked! Shocked I am to find that The Washington Post's resident (or at least self-appointed) humor expert Gene Weingarten chose the above "Sally Forth" as his "Comic Pick of the Week"! This almost makes up for the three years in which he more or less equated the strip with an unsuccessful bowel movement.

See, in Gene’s world everything revolves around him. One of his tired bits is his hatred of the name Madison, so when someone else makes a joke about the ubiquitous moniker, the only possible explanation is that it was inspired by him.

Madison, Wis.: Was yesterday's Sally Forth a shout-out to you?

Gene Weingarten: Could be!

The thought that the name Madison is equally annoying to other comics escapes him. This is a little self-absorbed from a guy about to steal Dave Barry's booger schtick because his jokes about underpants are played out.

All this is just to lay the groundwork on the thesis that Gene is an Pulitzer Prize-owning asshat that wouldn’t know a good comic if it hit him in the face. Nonetheless, he is an influential pompous prick and perhaps dozens of panty-flinging groupies hang on his every word. That doesn’t make him right about comic strip timelines. Most comic strip characters don’t age for very good reasons. Nobody wants to read jokes about Linus’s prostate exam instead of the Great Pumpkin.

Many strips get around this by being as non-topical as possible. Nancy and Sluggo would look very weird dressed emo or goth. Red and Rover deliberately stays very fluid in its setting so that it can make both topical and nostalgic gags.

When comic strip characters age, they tend to do so VERY slowly like in Baby Blues or Marvin. The exceptions that prove the rule are For Better Or For Worse and we daily see what a trainwreck that has become and Gasoline Alley where half the most beloved characters should have taken a dirt nap a decade or two ago. Others like Opus and Funky Winkerbean jerk forward in time at awkward intervals that destroy the pace and rhythm of the strip.

Hi and Lois has been in print for three centuries now and the clothes and lingo have all kept up with the times, more or less. Thank God. The strip is unfunny enough without having to be stuck in some sort of 1950s timewarp because Gene Weingarten says you are limited to the the era it started in.

Weingarten is constantly hinting that he and his son are working on a syndicated strip that, of course, would be the funniest gift to the comics page ever. Let’s see what he does in a decade or two when the characters need to keep up with the times. Until then perhaps he should back off on the people in the trenches putting out amusing strips on a daily basis rather than pontificating with his weird theories that would suck the life out of the funnies page so it fits his warped misconceptions.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Should comic strip characters age and should the settings stay contemporary or reflect the era they started in?

Update (1:35 p.m): In his chat today, Weingarten took credit for the Sally Forth gag at the top of the page despite the two week plus lead time for newspaper comics.

Gene Weingarten: I meant to add this to the comic picks. It's terrific. I am pretty sure I was the inspiration for this. Last week, in the Gene Pool, I noted Hilary's real age. Marciuliano mentioned this in his blog. I think he got that strip in in a hurry.

The prosecution rests.

Another Update (2:20 p.m.): Ces explains the time warp much funnier than I can.

Yet Another Update (7/31/08): In an update to his chat, Weingarten admits that he didn't inspire the strip:

I was wrong in guessing that Francesco Marcuiliano's sudden, startling mention of Hilary Forth's true age (36) was in playful response to my having done just that six days before The Gene Pool. I contacted Francesco to check: It turns out this was an amazing coincidence.

He doesn't say what exactly prompted him to contact Ces, but I would like to believe that my blog post gnawed at him and he decided to set the record straight while ignoring my very existence. It's no less presumptuous a theory than his that a July 23 post of his would cause someone to scramble out a comic strip by July 29 in rebuttal.

Hilary (Forth) For President

Pulitzer Prize winner and pompous blowhard Gene Weingarten as part of his schtick claims to be the world's foremost expert on newspaper comics, a claim that can be easily disputed by Josh Fruhlinger, THE Comics Curmudgeon. Nonetheless, in his Washington Post discussion group, Gene put out the following comics related topic:

Tell us which comics-page, comic book or animated cartoon character should be running for president and why.

I've given this a lot of thought, and my presidential candidate is Hilary Forth, Ted and Sally's eleven-year-old daughter. Her age might seem to post a Constitutional problem, but that's misleading: Hillary was 11 when the strip debuted in 1982, so she is currently 37. She gets my nod for the simple reason that she is the only character out there with a sense of humor, a sense of humility, a highly cynical streak, and an ability to manipulate others to achieve what she wants, which is the definition of diplomacy. Also, she is just plain cool.

I'm more than willing to give Hilary my props. I have written several posts featuring her before, most notably the perversely popular New Delhi Monkey Auditions post as well as a year of her diary entries (which features the same exact strip Weingarten linked to). But Gene has no concept of comic strip temporal dynamics. Hilary will always be eleven years old and her birth date will always be eleven years before the current year. That is just how frozen-in-time strips work. Hilary is no more eligible to run for president than Blondie is able to draw Social Security.

Still, the concept of the youngest Forth running for higher office is intriguing. Using the same suspension of disbelief that makes Teenage Girl President or Prez Rickard possible, I've imagined what a Hilary candidacy might be like.













Ces has already heartily endorsed Gene Weingarten's nomination and you can be certain that I will do anything I can to help the campaign.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Which Hil(l)ary would you vote for?

Standard Disclaimer to King Features Syndicate Lawyers: Fair use, parody, non-commercial, yadda, yadda, yadda...

WikiTedia

Click on picture for entire strip.

When Francesco Marciuliano hemmed and hawed and hinted that maybe My Hero, Ted Forth, the unemployed slightly off-kilter husband of Sally Forth, deserved his own Wikipedia page, I took notice. As the web’s leading Ted Forth expert (the key to internet superlatives is a narrow focus on obscure topics) I could not let this challenge go unanswered. I quickly whipped together a few things and got it up and going. Another fan of Francesco Explains It All (and he does it so much better than Clarissa ever did) cleaned up the references and fellow Comics Curmudgeon woodrowfan added a few tidbits as well. And that is what WikiTeamwork is about. Obsessive fans of ridiculous trivia preserving it forever.

This wasn’t Ces’s first go at WikiBegging. Back in his Drink At Work days, he lamented that despite being the star mid-reliever on the Sally Forth team, he did not have a WikiPage. WikiEthics prevent someone from writing their own WikiLoveFest, so Josh Fruhlinger, the Comics Curmudgeon himself, stepped up and got the ball rolling.

So impressed was I with Josh’s sense of public spirit, that I went and created a page for him. Alas, that page is no more. Some WikiCensors came along and determined that Josh, despite having the internet’s preeminent blog covering newspaper comics, was not “notable” enough to merit a few kilobytes of storage on the precious WikiServers. Notability is the stock in trade of who and what merits WikiPresence. If you read the requirements for notability strictly enough I’m not sure Mother Theresa or George Lucas would pass muster. In the blink of an eye, Josh became a WikiNonentity and my hard work vanished.

WikiCommandos are a notorious uptight bunch. They go around slapping threats and admonitions on pages that don’t meet their rigorous WikiStandards. If you look at the WikiPage for Comics Curmudgeon, it is festooned with warnings about lack of references and poor style. It seems nothing is ever quite up to snuff to these high-falutin’ WikiRules.

So that my humble tribute to Ted Forth does not suffer the same fate as Josh, I have replicated the WikiEntry below with revisions to my original post in italics.

---

Ted Forth

Ted Forth is a character in the syndicated comic strip Sally Forth. Ted is a perpetually forty-year old white collar worker of indeterminate career.^[1] Since mid-May of 2007, he has been laid-off and seeking new employment.

Ted's gentle nature and slightly effeminate^[2] manners have made him the frequent subject of parody and ridicule, including by the writer of the strip Francesco Marciuliano. Other people find Ted to be a refreshing and realistic portrait of modern fatherhood.^[3]

Plot sequences and running gags involving Ted include:

• He has an obsession with 1980s pop culture trivia.
• His ten-year-old daughter Hilary does not know what he does for a living. This stems from the fact that Ted's job is never explicitly mentioned, and fans of the strip often debate about it.
• He becomes highly competitive while coaching girls' softball.
• He despises his mother-in-law who insults his masculinity.
• His favorite food is meatloaf.

---

I've deleted the references section for clarity, but thanks to Scott Nazelrod for getting the right WikiFormat.

I expect I will someday enter a WikiPissing match with some humorless WikiGoon about the notability of poor Ted. And if there is no room for Ted Forth in the WikiVerse, I don’t want to WikiLive there.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Who deserves WikiFame?

When Harry Met Sally Forth

One of the weekend features of the Washington Post is the Style Invitational Contest. Each week they run some silly competition that is often literary or current events related. One of their staples is the caption contest. This week the former Czar of the SI (rumored to be a close, close friend of Gene Weingarten) suggested giving a cartoon caption and making the contest to describe (but not draw) the cartoon for it. His example was for the caption "When Harry Met Sally Forth".

Harry Truman is at a table with Sally Forth. She is yammering, "So then Ralph said he thought the department should be reorganized and I pointed out that it was just like a man to blah blah blah . . ."

Harry looks at her balefully. Above his head, in a thought balloon, is a vision of her chair, with a mushroom cloud over it.

I have never entered the Style Invitational before, but I would be remiss in my duties as self-declared Worlds Biggest Sally Forth Fan if I did not enter. There were other captions available, but I only came up with entries for the Sally Forth option. The winner gets their idea illustrated by a staff artist, but I decided to risk copyright infringement and mash-up my own illustrations.

Entry 1:

Hilary has been having a tough time fitting into her new school until she takes an after-school class in magic and meets a new friend. Unfortunately Sally has some issues with the ‘tude the black clad buddy keeps giving.



Entry 2:

Sally’s cougar friend Alice has gotten a crush on the young new office worker who happens to be the son of a famous heir to the throne. Unfortunately, Sally has to admonish the two frisky paramours when she catches them in a compromising position.



Entry 3:

Sally has accidentally walked into the house of their neighbors the Hendersons (they live next to the Gezelters) and mistakes their Sasquatch houseguest for her unemployed husband.



In order to keep anyone from sniping my entries, the deadline for the contest was yesterday, so if you had a better idea you are out of luck. Winners will be announced September 1, so watch your WaPo online or check back here to see how I do.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: What famous Harry did I miss?

Comment Casting Couch

When I first wrote my Teenage Girl President Casting Call post, it was hugely popular. Many people including Ces thought it was a clever, if a little obsessive, tribute to a popular webcomic. However, as the traffic from my regular readers died down, a new groups of surfers started discovering the post. Ones unfamilar with TGP, but eager to become stars.

Through some weird quirk of the Google algorithm, if you do a search for any popular tweener show in combination with "casting call", my post lands on the first page. Try "hannah montana casting call" as test. Yup, number one hit. Naive, misguided, or just wishful-thinking kids mistook my tongue-in-cheek post for a legitimate audition notice and left messages for me to consider them.

Since I get e-mailed all the comments made on my blog, this started out as being mildly amusing and, as the pace increased, soon turned slightly disturbing. Clearly the parents of these kids had never read my Warning To Parents post about leaving too much information on the web. Way too many of the comments included e-mail addresses, real names, and other personally identifiable information.

As a postscript to my New Dehli Monkey Gang Audition post I linked to the comments. The shear audacity of the comments amused and alarmed many of my readers, particularly those with underage daughters. On the advice of my legal counsel, jfruh and demetrious-x, I decided to delete the comments and post a warning to not leave any more e-mail addresses.

However, these comments were just to rich to allow disappear forever. Besides, some people may think I was exagerating the idiocy of these Googlers. As the parent of a teenager, it's hard to overestimate the stupidity of tweeners in front of a keyboard. I have stripped the comments of any indentifiable information and reproduced them below. Several even left links to their MySpace type pages and I have scarfed the picture from their opening page. The one reassuring factor was that all the profiles were set to private. Maybe they had gotten too many friend requests or people offering them other roles. Roles that Chris Hansen may want to investigate.

This was the very first comment that came in taking the post for real. She left her e-mail address, real name and hometown:

ok so i am the same age as Jamie lynn and i am from hometown could someone like me try out for a part like that???
i am trying to live my dream and i have acting experience LOTS of it !!!!
i want you to help live out my life long dream
email: redactecd@hotmail.com
thanks so much get back to me please
real name
HOMETOWN

The following "applicant" had a real Blogger name, but the blog it links to is an empty template with no posts:

BloggerID said ... (12:57 PM) :

I think this is the order from top to bottom of which one i would pick

1. Jaime Lynn Spears
2. Aly and Aj
3 Ashley Tisdale
4. Venessa Ann Hudgens
5. Emma Roberts
6. Amanda Bynes

could I also be in the movie as like a small role cuz i wanna be an actress and i'm african american. thanks write me back on my blog

OMG! i totally want to do this...i've been waiting for something like this...I've dreamed of being an actress....i would love to do something like that.

Then they started leaving descriptions of themselves:

Real Name said ... (8:29 PM) :

My name is Real Name, E-mail - redacted@comcast.net but anyway, my dream is to be a famous actress on a regular...and am 14 have a little longer than shoulder length blonde hair.. a little short for my age, 4'11 and weigh about 95 pounds! please e-mail me if your interested!

This girl left her real name and a quick google search found a link to a hometown newspaper article that listed her as an honor student and the name of her middle school. This is the sort of info real stalkers could actually use:

Anonymous said ... (1:35 PM) :

hey my name real name and u don't know how much i would want to be a famous actress I'm 11 years old and i am ready to act i have shoulder lengh hair i am about 5 feet and 95 pounds my e mail redacted@yahoo.com

please im ready!!!!!!!!!!

Then they started getting catty by dishing on the real celebrities I had listed:

first name said ... (8:49 PM) :

Hey! This is first name . I honestly don't think any of those girls deserve the part. I think you sould give someone that hasn't been descovered yet a chance. I think I would be great for this part. I'm thirteen, I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and I'm 5 feet 4 inches tall. I would be honored because I have a lot of talent and I'm very outgoing. My e-mail address is redacted@yahoo.com thanks for taking the time to read this.

Not only catty, but sassy:

first name said ... (10:55 PM) :

i dont think any of them should have the role because FIRST NAME is here and she would rock this president gig.and u can reach me at redacted@hotmail.com thanc u and have nice day.......o and think about it

luv ya
first name

The phrase "fresh meat" is not something I like to hear from a thirteen year old:

first name said ... (11:07 PM) :

i think that i should get the part because i am fresh new meat an i am going to agree with sarah. iam 13 going on 14 in august and im 5 feet 4 inches tall with black hair and brown eyes and i am black and i think a black grl as a president would be cool im not saying it wouldnt be cool for a white grl because i look up to aly and aj but i think i could be the best funnest actor because all my friends say should be a comedy because i talk alot and im funny.and i am undiscovered but i would like to be so u can reach me by my email address....

redacted@hotmail.com

luv ya and contact me
FULL NAME

I have been fully deleting the e-mail addressed on most of these, but this girl's seemed particularly appropriate:

Anonymous said ... (12:18 AM) :

ya i agree with redacted u should use someone that has not been discovered i am 13 i have blonde hair and i am 5'4 hazel eyes and i am slim/slender so e-mail me if u want me to do the part

dramaqween#redacted@yahoo.com

Making fun of kid's spelling on the internet is like shooting fish in a barrel, but this one is particularly confusing since what ought to be an e-mail address is gibberish:

Anonymous said ... (6:58 PM) :

it sototaly got to be miss Robertes. shez young, fun ,and proves her self as a leader and does it with a blonde attitide.if im not rirgt then track me down let me do the part.

cd c t 9e7ye0f77yr08yf80

This one seems to have a sense of humor about it and thinks it's funny people describe themselves, but she goes ahead and leaves an e-mail address anyway.

firstname said ... (8:11 PM) :

hey. ill do it! lol. im not going to go on about what i look like and that kind of stuff... but im 13 and i know all of those people lol.....{{redacted@hotmail.com}}..

This is perhaps the most convincing case made by any of them, but she forgets to leave the e-mail address. I suppose I am supposed to track her down by her full real name. It turns out there is a real actress with her name already, but I doubt she is thirteen. She (the actress, not the thirteen year old) would be welcome to play TGP in my book:

Full Name said ... (1:32 PM) :

i really want to be the teenage girl president. i am 13, have blonde hair and i love to act and i'm good at it. i can act like what ever u want me to. anyway, don't you want someone new and "fresh" not those other people who are already doing shows and movies. get some one who you can say, " i found that tallent" i should be that "teenage girl president"

Same Full Name said ... (1:34 PM) :

i know all those actresses and i think i could do better, or just as good as them. pick me

This is the youngest person to leave a comment:

Anonymous said ... (10:33 PM) :

all i want is for Ashiley Tisdale to get the part.. and if she doesnt get the part than plz email me and tell me when the show starts and tell me what channel it comes on if any bobies looking for a young singer than plz email me redacted@yahoo.com plz im realy amazing f anybodie needs a 10 year old girl soon yo be 11 on jan. 19 07 than plz email me for acting singng or modeling...Thank you

The following comment included a link to her MySpace page. The page has a not particularly sexy picture of her in a bathing suit looking pouty. The profile lists her age as fifteen and the name on the page is "JACK OFF FIRST NAME". It's an active page since it lists today as her last log-in. At least her profile is set to private. Her parents should be proud.

There was no way in the world I was going to send a friend request. Of all of the comments, this looks most suspiciously like predator bait, but she leaves comments on other MySpace pages, so I think she is legit.

First Name (with MySpace link) said ... (10:16 PM) :

hey my name is first name and ive always wanted to fulfill my beautioful dremas y being an actress on hannah montannah/miley cyrus tv show. I want to be known as a actress on her show.. i would do anything to be like her or even to act with her. When are the auditions?contact me- redacted@aol.com

Another contender in the failure of the public schools to teach basic spelling category:

Nickname said ... (7:31 PM) :

hello my name is Real Name and i am 13 years old not allot of acting exsperiance but i have my relitives who are exsperianced and i would love to be the female tenage princess!!! Email me with all the info please!!!

redacted@yahoo.com

And they keep getting more and more assertive:

Anonymous said ... (7:24 PM) :

Hi my name is Real Name and I am very interested in acting. I want the job and I will do anything to get it even if it means flying on a plane.
I make the grades, have the looks,and you won't be disappointed if you e-mail me at redacted@yahoo.com!

And here it just starts getting boring and repetitive:

First Name said ... (7:11 PM) :

i have to vote for jamie lynn spears, just because she's so fresh and new. or...have you considered having an open audition for the part? i know that there are lots of teen girls who would love the chance to audition, and you could find some real talent in a place where the industry is big...

At this point I started getting about one comment a week:

Anonymous said ... (9:05 PM) :

i would LOVE to star inthis great series
mi 13 years of age... please email me at
redacted@aim.com
for casting info

thank you,
first name

The time tag is 1:25, so she is either on the west coast or up way past the bedtime of anyone that would leave this comment:

Anonymous said ... (1:25 AM) :

hello, my name is first name and i am very intresed in a part in the show"Americans teenage president and i wanted to know if you can take out time to see me, so i can audition for the part. If you can please contact me at redacted@aol.com thank you.

This girl's claim is that she looks much older:

real name said ... (12:31 PM) :

hey my names Real Name.
and I am very interested in this part as 'queen bee'. im 13 but i could pass as a 14 or 15 year old. This would be a great oppurtunity for me so I could really get my dream [to be an actress] on its way. I work hard and I can memoirze lines very fast.

Please contact me at xredactedx@aol.com

thanks!

Another willing to give out physical location as well as e-mail contact. And a fondness for Capitalization:

Anonymous said ... (1:12 PM) :

Hey My Names First Name 14 Going On 15 September 24 From Hometown, State
I Love To Sing Dance An Act I Feel That I Would Be Right For This Because I Think I'm What Your Looking For

For Mor Information You Can Send Me And E-Mail At redacted@aim.com
Please Give Me A Chance To Make My Dreams Come True Thank You SoooOoo Much

Catty AND a horrendous speller and not very fond of the Enter key:

first name said ... (11:21 PM) :

well im a peson who knows these stars threw television, & i know what you are talkign about, im the age you are talking about, & i know wat people would prefer to see. take the first jamie, she is good, id liek to see more of her on tv, then you have aly & aj, too old.ashley is too playd out with high skool musical! & same with vanessa, amanda is too old with her newer show what i like abot you. i would choose emma roberts, she has been good in every productiong i have seen, i am amazed. also if you do not find what you are looking for in the following contact one of the other ppl who have responded to you, but if in doubt & need som1 well email me, i m blond hair blue eyes have done a few plays & ona few local comercials, i am 13 & perfect! first name! email=redacted@aol.com hope to hear from you, hopefully if the rite person chose it will be!

The redacted e-mail address for this girl suggests a future in the exotic dancer industry. I wish I could share it with you, but rules are rules:

Anonymous said ... (5:12 PM) :

I think that they should have a nobody as this, like look for a normal girl whos not famous because every one knows how they can act so its no suprise but i am 13my name is First Name and I have drak brown/black hair drak brown eyes and im 5'7 and my skin is a brown First Name color like my name so email me if you think i could be it my email redacted@yahoo.com

Finally, the subtle approach:

Anonymous said ... (10:45 PM) :

I know alot about each of these actresses, and I think Amanda would be the best for this part, but I also think that I might me. I'm not trying to be cocky or whatever, but these are all known actresses, why not use an undiscovered one?

Email me at redacted@gmail.com

But then she had to try to close the deal:

Anonymous said ... (10:55 PM) :

I just made the comment above, and forgot to add this: I am 13 years old but people often say I'm 15. I'm 5 foot 4 inches, brown hair and eyes, white (skin tone). I live in State, and I'm an actress at my school. My name is First Name. I had always wanted to be in a movie or tv show. I love to act. I've been acting for about 3 years now, and have competed in competitions through school. I've won almost all. I have experience with acting, but have no agent. I was looking around on the web and found this page. I would LOVE to be in this movie.

Once again, my email is redacted@gmail.com

Please help me make my dream come true!

And internet idiocy is not limited to any particular ethnicity:

Anonymous said ... (9:03 PM) :

hello my name is first name. im at the age of 13 gonna be 14 in august 3. my nationality is hmong mixed with thai. i haven't done acting alot..only when i get the chance.cause i do love to act.. i always wanted to follow the foot step of my cuz' "brenda song" you know from the show on disneychannel 'the suite life of zack and cody'.. i went to only one audition in my life..it was the same adition that brenda went to.. i got the callback,but 2,000 dollars i have to pay..i didn't have that money nor does my parents..hahaha..well yea i wanna adition for this so heres my email...fullname@hotmail.com

love to hear from you

It also sounds like that if she needs pay $2000 for an audition, she is already being ripped off. And if you recognize any of these people that have left comments, please notify their parents and take away their internet access. And all the predators out there that have been scamming off my comments will have to go get their own phony audition blog.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Am I over-reacting? If you think so, leave your name and e-mail in the comments.

New Delhi Monkey Gang Auditions

It’s the lazy days of summer and Best Friends Forever Hilary and Faye are reforming their band, The New Delhi Monkey Gang. They have been contemplating changing the name of the band several times to something that is a little more television friendly in hopes of getting a deal with a major kid’s network. As Entertainment Weekly details, a show on Disney Channel or Nickelodeon is a major career opportunity. It’s more than a TV show, it’s albums, concerts and movies. Just ask The Cheetah Girls or The Naked Brothers Band (yeah, that’s a real show, hopefully not as pervy as the title would make you think).

For these Sally Forth characters to make the transition to the small screen, proper casting is vital. Here are some tween stars that might make the grade. It is going to take a precocious actress to fit the role of a perpetual fifth grader trying to make it in the musical world.

	Miley Cyrus Hannah Montana Current Age: 14 Miley just missed the cut for the Teenage Girl President casting call. In Hannah Montana she plays a pop superstar that goes to middle school incognito. She clearly has the musical chops to be a Dehli Monkey, but she might not want to get typecast in this type of show. Miley is clearly destined for bigger things, like a CW sitcom. Role: Hilary most likely. Gotta get more mileage out of that blonde Hannah wig.
	Miranda Cosgrove iCarly, Drake and Josh Current Age: 14 Miranda has a huge stage presence, but her musical talent is unproven. Her School of Rock role was as business manager, but some lessons should get her in the groove right away. Role: Faye all the way. She has withering sarcasm down cold.
	Jordan Todosey Life With Derek Current Age:12 Jordan has been playing a supporting role as Ashley Leggat’s baby sister Lizzie on Derek, but she is ready to move onto the big time. Going from a sidekick or sibling role to a starring vehicle is a traditional tweener show career path. Role: With enough peroxide, Hilary.
	Selena Gomez Wizards of Waverly Place Current Age: 14 Since starting out as a moppet on Barney, Selena has been working her way around the dial in bit parts and guest star roles. Now she could hit the big time. Role: Could be either, but the ethnic angle would make her lean towards Faye.
	Susan Olsen The Brady Bunch Current Age: 45 When it comes to pigtails, no one rocks them like the former Cindy Brady. Unfortunately, it would take a major time machine to get her back in her youthful prime. Role: Hilary, natch. There really is no other choice.

Hey Kids: This post is a joke. There is no real New Delhi Monkey Gang show holding auditions. Yet. And you can quit leaving your real name and e-mail address in the comments of my TGP Casting Call post. Didn’t your parents teach you about stranger danger and giving away personal information on the internet?

Everyone Else: Who would you cast as a character in a Sally Forth sitcom?

Update: In the comments, mooselet suggested Selena Gomez as Hilary. She would have to go blonde, but she can work the ponytails. I can definitely see it.