Thursday, October 18, 2007

Sex Scandal Mad Libs

I’m a big fan of schadenfreude especially when it comes with a side order of hypocrisy, but lately the truly disturbing stories of people in high places getting caught doing exactly what they rail against has become tiresome.

They are coming so fast and furious it’s hard to even keep track of them. In a way, they all sound alike. In fact, they resemble really bad Mad Libs with each story trying to top the next one.

Here is the formula where you just fill in the blanks:

{Incredibly white-bread name}, {political office or religious figure} from (state, the redder the better} was {past tense verb} (location or situation) by (law enforcement figure} for {crime against nature}. {Person or group} claims {extremely absurd rationalization or laughably implausible explanation}.

Let’s try a few:

Larry Craig, a senator from Idaho was arrested at the Minneapolis airport by an undercover police officer for tapping his foot to solicit gay sex in the restroom. The accused claims that he has a wide stance and was trying to remove toilet paper from his shoe.

David Vitter, a senator from Louisiana was accused in New Orleans by a Canal Street hooker of paying prostitutes to let him wear diapers. Vitter admitted to paying prostitutes, just not wearing diapers at the same time.

Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University was sued over wrongful termination by three former professors for disclosing irregularities including his wife’s affair with a sixteen year old boy. Roberts claims “The untrue allegations of sexual misconduct by my wife have hurt the most. It has broken her heart and the hearts of my children.”

Gary Aldridge, pastor of Thorington Road Baptist Church in Alabama was pronounced dead of auto erotic "accidental mechanical asphyxia" by the medical examiner for wearing two rubber wetsuits and mask while hogtied with a sex toy in his anus. Church officials claim that community members should refrain from speculation about what led to Aldridge's demise.

Clayton Goober, deputy mayor of BFE, Pennsyltucky was lynched by angry environmental activists at the NAMBLA convention for running a panda bear prostitution ring. Goober's gay lover claims that he was undercover investigating al Qaeda attacks aimed at disrupting the NCAA womens volleyball tournament.

Okay, I made that last one up, but it was hard to top the real stories. The depths of human depravity used to amuse me, but now I get worried that truth is stranger and creepier than fiction.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Give the Sex Scandal MadLib a try.


Anonymous said...

Hey, don't forget about that high muckety-muck in the Vatican who was caught on tape hitting on some dude and telling him that homosexuality wasn't a sin, then claimed that he was taking part in some kind elaborate sting operation/psychological experiment/he was only there to ask for directions to get away form there.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Lordy...and we elect these people. Yikes.

yellojkt said...

That Vatican predator definitely fits the pattern. Especially the completely implausible excuse.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

"...while hogtied with a sex toy in his anus."

Come on, who among us hasn't been busted for this. Let's be honest now.