Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Blog In The Clouds

I need to jump on this bandwagon before everyone gets to it before I do. Keb had her word cloud on her site as a “too bored to blog” post, but I thought it was great. I’ve seen word clouds before, but never knew how to generate one. As a word cloud it seems fairly representative of what I think the blog is about.

The gimmick of the Snapshirt folks is to sell you a tee-shirt with your blog’s (or anybody blog’s, for that matter) word cloud on it. Tee shirts are one of the true money making opportunities of the cyberworld. They are something tangible that represent an intangible affiliation. I think selling tee shirts is what keeps most webcomics afloat. I know my son has contributed to that economic model with this shirt he (and by he, I mean with my money) bought off the web.

I belong to the “been there, seen that, bought the tee shirt” school of travel souvenirs. Shirts are practical and useful. My problem is that I already have a dresser drawer full of tee shirts that I never get around to wearing, but hate to give up. I think I have an Eagles Hell Freezes Over Tour tee shirt that I have never worn. The only problem with clothing as mementoes is that they wear out. If I still had my softball jersey tee from the Van Halen II tour, it would be worth a ton of money, but it must have become a car cleaning rag decades ago.

My most recent tee shirt purchase was a bootleg CafePress Achenblog tee shirt created by kbertucci (nee Reader) of Read/Think/Live. I swooped in and ordered one before Joel Achenbach, the ostensible writer of the blog, put the kibosh on this enterprise.

As Cindy Sheehan recently demonstrated, tee shirts are also speech. More than anything else about your appearance, a printed or logo shirt says tons about your beliefs, values, and consumer habits. I’m just not sure what a tee shirt with a blog word cloud would say about me. Actually, I think I know exactly what it says, and I don’t think I want to say it.

Several years ago, I was at a book reading/signing by Neal Stephenson for Cryptonomicon. One of the other people there was the archetypal pot-bellied, stringy-haired, presumably Linux-using, cypher-hacker. He was wearing a tee shirt with something along these lines on it:

WARNING

This shirt is classified as a munition and
may not be exported from the United
States, or shown to a foreign national

RSA
encryption in perl

#!/bin/perl -s-- -export-a-crypto-system-sig
$k,$n)=@ARGV;$m=unpack(H.$w,$m."\0"x$w),$_=

{REMAINDER DELETED BY ME FOR PARANOID
NATIONAL SECURITY REASONS}

I pointed out the shirt to my wife and explained why that shows what a geek he was. She just turned to me and said, “You got the joke, what does that make you?”

I am such a dork. There I said it. Now I don’t need the blog cloud tee shirt.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

My Life In Music


A week ago trusty getto “tagged” me with a meme about music that I had first seen over at mean girl’s. I had been praying this meme would pass me by, but I like trusty too much to blow him off. Instead this meme has been haunting my thoughts for over a week now. The damn thing is way too open ended. Look at it:

1. Tell us of some songs in your life that remind you of a person, place or a specific event in your life. The kind of song that everytime you hear it, it will always, no matter what, make that person, place or "thing" pop into your head instantly. You can write as few or as many "songs" as you want. And it can be a song or two songs or a whole album.

2. Give a brief description of the person, place or thing it reminds you of.

3. You can choose to tag people or not. Whatever you want to do. And you can tag as few or as many people as you want.

4. You don't have to link the songs or the lyrics unless you want to.

5. If you play, you have to leave me a comment so that I can come and read yours.

Music is an enormous part of my life. I have been listening to music since fifth grade when I would stay up past my bedtime listening to the late night DJ on the Top 40 AM station. Where would I start? I have over 400 albums in my CD library. How could I possibly pick just a few songs and have it mean anything? Besides I have always been more of an album guy. I have compromised by picking just a few albums that hit the highlights of either phases in my life or changes in my musical tastes. Here we go:

Star Wars: Original Soundtrack Composed and Conducted by John Williams, Performed by The London Symphonic Orchestra
I have never owned a 33-1/3 LP album. For most of my life, I wouldn’t have had anything to play one on. I started my music collection on cassettes and have naturally migrated to CDs. For Christmas 1976 I asked for and got a little monophonic cassette player and the album my folks bought with it was the Star Wars soundtrack. I listened to it over and over again. I am such a dork.

The Best of Abba
In my middle school years, I lived in the Philippines where the cost of living was pretty low. The Base Exchange sold albums basically at cost for about $5.50. Since my allowance was only two dollars a week, that was a lot of money. Off-base, cassettes sold for 25 pesos, or about 3 bucks. Immediately, my purchasing power nearly doubled. I would spend hours in the off-base music shops carefully selecting what to buy with my allowance and my saved Christmas and birthday money. One of the first tapes I bought was this ABBA compilation.
Look at the track list carefully. It does not match any of the ABBA compilations listed on allmusic.com. This one was the Philippine licensed version of a Polydor album from early in their career. I of course now have the definitive ABBA Gold compilation on CD, but this was one of my earliest forays into what would become a love of cheesy music.

'70s Preservation Society Presents Disco Fever
I bought this out of nostalgia late one night in the early 90s when I was left unsupervised watching VH1 in the presence of a credit card. During 8th and 9th grade, my school had dances nearly every other week. This being the height of the disco era, kids really danced at school dances. I had a pair of tight navy polyester pants with matching vest that I wore with a variety of silk print shirts. Fortunately I do not think any photographic evidence of these outfits survive. This particular album has the best variety of songs and artists from the disco era that I have ever seen. Only Donna Summer is missing and that is a minor quibble. When my entire CD collection was stolen in 1993, this was one of three albums the burglar left behind. I thank God for that because this album is truly irreplaceable. Every song on it takes me back to my hormone ridden days of dancing with girls I barely knew in a dark school gym.

Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson – Waylon and Wille
Records in the Philippines were cheap, but nowhere as cheap as in Taiwan where copyright laws were completely unheard of. Any intellectual property could be bought for the price of production. Record albums on the thinnest vinyl imaginable sold for about a quarter. My parents took a vacation there and came back with a suitcase filled with about every country and western album in print. At about the same time I had a best friend that was opening me up to the incredible smuttiness of country lyrics. For a 15 year-old, I became unnaturally familiar with the works of all the mid-70s pop/country greats: Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton, Charlie Rich, Charlie Pride and others. The greatest in my mind though were the “Outlaws”, Willie, Waylon, and Kris Kristofferson. I am a lost son of Luckenbach, Texas.

Foreigner – Double Vision
In 1979 I moved back to the States and the disco era came to astoundingly abrupt end. In my new environment, I became a rocker. I listed to 98Rock in Tampa. I wore softball sleeve concert tee shirts to school. I grew my hair out as long as my dad would let me. I got tinted prescription glasses to try to look less dorky. Pretty much to no avail. I knew the words to “Hot Blooded” by heart. My coworkers at Wendy’s would goad me into singing it over and over again acapella. I knew they were laughing at me and not with me. I didn’t care. I RAWKED.

The Clash – London Calling
At my high school, the seniors sold records to fund their annual Grad Nite at Disney World. I bought this Clash album on a whim because it counted as a double album but only cost two dollars more than a regular album. That impulse purchase changed my life. Once I heard the raw power of The Clash’s music, I would never listen to music the same. Their energy and anger electrified me. I obsessed over everythin Clash related. My future wife found my devotion to them annoying. I had this pin I wore that was preppy pink and green with an AK-47 centered between the words “The Clash”. She would steal the pin form me because she thought it was tacky. She is perplexed that they are now even more popular and influential than when we were in school. Now my son listens to The Clash as well. Great music never dies.

Warren Zevon – Excitable Boy
I’ve never even owned this album, but I listend to it dozens of times. The Georgia Tech Student Center had a study lounge called The Music Listening Room. It had tables and sofas and armchairs clustered around groups of headphone jacks. You would go in and pick out albums from an enormous library and the DJ would play them first-come, first-served on whatever listening station you were sitting at. I spent hundreds of hours in there exploring about every musical genre that even mildly intrigued me. I tried everything, prog-rock, Zappa, New Wave. I kept coming back to the singer-songwriters. Warren Zevon’s macabre tunes just floored me. This is the sharpest, smartest, sickest songwriting ever recorded.

Billy Joel – Piano Man and Eagles – Greatest Hits
Before we were married, my wife went to a college about 200 miles away from Atlanta. On weekends when I would drive up to see her, I would pack a tray of cassettes for the eight hour round trip. I wanted stuff that I could play loud and keep my mind off the monotony of the road. These two albums were in the tray more often than not. A lot of other albums were in heavy rotation: Glass Houses, 52nd Street, Hotel California, The Long Run. To this day, when I hear a song from these albums, my finger reflexively hits the volume up button.

Lesbian Favorites: Women Like Us
Tampa has a hippie-dippie community radio station WMNF that plays a wide variety of styles. I listened to them in high school for their after-midnight punk rock show. When I moved back after college and would work on Saturdays, I would listen to their two hour Women’s Music Show which featured feminist musicians and political discussion. I did it mostly to annoy an evangelical Christian coworker, but the music grew on me. It exposed me to a lot of artists I never would have heard of otherwise. Years later I ran across a mention of this album and had to have it, mostly to get the Two Nice Girls track. Rather than buy it from Amazon (since there was no way a local record store would stock it) I paid a few extra bucks and bought it mail order from Ladyslipper Music because it seemed the right thing to do.

I hope this rather thin slice through my music collection has totally baffled you. Music is too important to pigeonhole and categorize. Good music is transcendent.

I can’t bring myself to tag anyone with this meme because it is just too powerful. It has made me think and reflect on music I love in ways I haven’t in a long time. You may not realize it, but these are some of the most personal and revealing thoughts ever put on my blog. I will be posting a lot more about music in the future. You have been warned.

Easter Egg notice: The images link to more information about the artist or the album.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Amazing But True

I’ve been staying away from the quizzes and silly memes lately, but Plain Jane had one the other day that just fascinated me because it was all about, well, me. Just from my name, it figured out all these things:

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Yellojkt!

  1. 99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as yellojkt.
  2. Yellojkt is the only one of the original Seven Wonders of the World that still survives.
  3. Yellojkt was first discovered by Alexander the Great in India, and introduced to Europe on his return.
  4. The word 'samba' means 'to rub yellojkt'.
  5. Yellojkt is born white; his pink feathers are caused by pigments in her typical diet of shrimp.
  6. Edinburgh imports three thousand kilograms of yellojkt every year!
  7. Yellojkt will often glow under UV light.
  8. Yellojkt has a bifurcated penis!
  9. The risk of being struck by yellojkt is one occurence every 9,300 years!
  10. Yellojkt is the traditional gift for a couple on their third wedding anniversary.
I am interested in - do tell me about


I’m still trying to figure out how they knew about that I was a marsupial in item 8. I just love the dadaesque Discover Channel meets Zippy the Pinhead randomness of it.

One of the fun things to do with memes is to trace back who they came from Six Degrees of Separation style. Plain Jane got it from MooAlex who got it from Ms Q. who got it from LuckyBuzzz who got it from BrightStar. At this point I thought I had reached a dead end because Bright Star doesn’t have links to the archive from the front page. I was able hack the archive and finally reached WolfAngel where the trail went cold.

As I go through the other blogger’s trivia, I don’t notice many repeats on the silly information. My item 10 was also BrightStar's item 7. Plain Jane and WolfAngel had two things in common. Ms Q., like Plain Jane and WolfAngel, is also just one calorie for ten licks. This item was the only threepeat®.

I just wonder how many pseudo-fact nuggets are embedded in the database of whoever created it. Someone with sharper statistical skill than me could probably estimate how many it would take to have so few repeats from seven different lists. The creators at surealist.co.uk are truly demented geniuses. Bravo. We need more nutsy whimsy like this to keep us amused.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Movie Stripper Awards

The awards season is upon us. The Golden Globes and the SAG awards have already been awarded and Oscar nominations were just announced. This doesn’t even count the dozen of phony awards shows that will fill all the gaps. It seems everyone gets nominated for something.

The problem with movie awards is that the categories are too broad. Basically, the acting nominations are divided into male and female and leading and supporting. This makes for too many tough comparisons. Can an actress in a period piece really be compared to one in a contemporary thriller. The Grammies have the right idea. They have sub-categories for every imaginable sub-genre of music.

As a public service, I suggest we need a separate category for the different types of roles. One character type that seems to get over looked at awards time is the very important role of Movie Stripper. Movie Strippers are very different from real strippers:

  • Movie strippers never actually take all their clothes off.
  • Movie strippers are attractive even before five beers.
  • Movie strippers seem to have lots time to discuss their personal lives in excruciating detail.
  • Movie strippers have elaborate costumes and choreographed routines that make Broadway musicals seem like kindergarten pageants.
  • Movie strippers don’t use bad make-up to cover their needle tracks.
  • Movie strippers never hustle overpriced drinks then leave as soon as some drunk codger across the room wants a lap dance.
  • Movie strippers never promise to meet you after their shift and then sneak out the back door with the bouncer to avoid you. (OK, this last one might just be me.)

My nominees for the First Annual Jennifer Beals Memorial Award for Best Movie Stripper are:

Natalie Portman in Closer
Natalie Portman has been playing cute objects of affection since Beautiful Girls. Try watching that without a little Nabokovian tinge of guilt. In Closer, she shows she’s all grown up by acting in a movie with other great actors playing morally reprehensible sex addicts. In this case, the stripper is the honest non-screwed-up character. When “dancing” she wears a wild fuscia wig and lavender g-string. She does con Clive Owen out of an obscene amount of money in the private champagne room. Unfortunately, strategically placed camera angles rob internet junkies everywhere of the raw materials for the ultimate Padme Photoshop Phantasy.

Jessica Alba in Sin City
I’m at a disadvantage since I haven’t seen this movie. I understand that it has some really gruesome scenes and I’m not into gruesome, even if Jessica Alba wears chaps and a cowboy hat. I'm not sure I like a trend where an R-rated movie shows the graphic torture of a guy's genitals, but lets the starlet keep her bra on.
I do know that her acting showed absolutely no improvement over two seasons of "Dark Angel", and nothing in her current oeuvre would lead you to believe it has improved any.
Rosario Dawson in Rent
Rosario’s character Mimi is a junkie and HIV-positive, providing at least some brief nod to reality. Her character's AIDS causes her to develop a really bad cough that doesn’t prevent her from hitting the high notes in her big dying number.
The sleazy LES strip bar where she dances, when not hitting on the HIV+ cowboy songwriter, is more lavishly decorated than places with $50 covers where Howard Stern hangs out. Rent is a PG-13 movie which means the extras on "The Sopranos" get to show more skin.

Since the awards shows won't recognize the valuable contributions of these thespians, I have started my own poll. Vote below and be sure to leave a comment if you vote for other.









Monday, January 30, 2006

NaJuReMoNoMo Wrap-Up


As I wrap up the First Annual (there is a phrase of pure triumphant hope) National Just Read More Novels Month, I am pleasantly pleased by the enthusiasm it was met with as well as the goodwill it fostered. I appreciate all the people that included links or posted the sidebar logo.

I particularly want to thank the following sites for their support:

Read/Think/Live

The Conical Glass
Mooselet Musings
Lam(b)
Uncertain Principles
Gibsons on the Road
Lab Cat
DC Blogs
Beige Alert
trusty getto
Kontan Jou
Tiny Money Land

And forgive me if I have forgotten you. Leave me a comment and I will add you to the list.

If you read at least one novel during January, you are a winner. I am even relaxing the “memoirs don’t count" rule slightly. If your read A Million Little Pieces by James Frey and you want to admit to it, it counts as a novel. Oprah’s new selection, Night by Elie Weisel still doesn’t count. It's mostly true, unfortunately. My son read it last year as a school assignment and is a little less than pleased that he now belongs to Oprah’s Book Club.

You can even be a winner retroactively if you read a novel in January without me even telling you to. All the winners are qualified to post the offical “NaJuReMoNo Winner!” logo anywhere on your website you want. Just cut and paste the following HTML where you want it to go. Heck, tattoo it to your arm if you’re that proud.

<a
href="http://tinyurl.com/c87ez"><img
style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" width="100"
src="http://home.comcast.net/~yellojkt/NaJuReMoNoMoWinnersm.gif" border="0"
alt="NaJuReMoNoMo" /></a>

Even if you didn’t read an entire novel in January, don’t let that discourage you. Like the Self-Esteem Olympics, there are no losers here. Go ahead and make February you’re personal Read More Novels Month. Or make it every month.

In the meantime, I will prepare an even bigger blog-blitz for next year. Be proud of your charter membership and keep reading.

Technorati tag:, , , ,

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Bob Loblaw Law Blog Brouhaha

Kitchen Confidential died after 4 episodes, so my grass-roots blog endorsement of it did no good whatsoever. It’s much more acclaimed lead-in, Arrested Development, is also on its last breath. The final four episodes are scheduled to be burned off on Friday February 10th in a single 2-hour inferno opposite the opening of the Winter Olympics, ensuring it will go out with a whimper not a bang.

The show was produced by Ron Howard (the celebrity I most closely resemble) who also served as the Voice of God narrator. Some of the show’s great inside jokes included a lot of winking references to Happy Days. A recurring character was the Fonz himself, Henry Winkler, playing a hopelessly incompetent lawyer named Barry Zuckerkorn. When Winkler sold his soul to go onto a real network show, the incredibly unfunny Out Of Practice, AD had an inspired bit of casting.

They replaced Fonzie with Chachi. Scott Baio, also from Happy Days, and later Joanie Love Chachi became the Bluth family’s new lawyer. While he will never top his thespianic triumphs in Charles in Charge, Baio’s lawyer character Bob Loblaw was a brilliant running gag. If you say his name fast, as the show’s cast frequently did, it comes out sounding like “Blah, blah, blah” which is of course what most lawyers sound like.

The ultimate play on this was when they revealed that Bob kept a blog appropriately called the Bob Loblaw Law Blog. Say that three times fast. Amazingly, or maybe not, there is a real Bob Loblaw Law Blog. Normally spoof blogs, like the Real Harriet Myers Blog, get their laffs from outrageous parody, but this Robert Loblaw is playing it straight. The cases he covers seem real enough and the commentary is suitably dry but not gibberish.

I am not the first to find this blog. The Chicago Tribune, The Volokh Conspiracy and others have mentioned its existence, which dates to the introduction of the character. I don’t know whether the blog is a plant from the television producers or the work of a wickedly demented Arrested Development fan. Either way, since I know some of my readers work in the legal field, I would like some opinions of how good, or real, a lawyer this phony “Bob Loblaw” is.

And be sure to tape the finale of Arrested Development for when you need a laugh after the spectacle of the Winter Games opening grows tedious.
Which should get you over to Fox in time for the first commercial break of the AD farewell marathon.

Technorati tag:, , , , ,

Monday, January 23, 2006

Really Desperate Housewife


Update (1/29/07): Brandy Britton committed suicide over the weekend according to a report by the Baltimore Sun.

Last week a hooker got arrested in Ellicott City. It made all the local news channels. It was covered by the Baltimore Sun and the Washington Post. It has made national wire services reports. Why is it news? Because the woman is 41 years old, has a PhD, and was “working” out of her very suburban colonial house on a quiet residential cul de sac. Her name is Brandy Britton and Brandy does appear to be her real name since it is on all her NIH grant applications. Her hooker name was Alexis Angel. Not much of an improvement. I would have stayed with Brandy.

Howard County is a sleepy suburban community just outside of Baltimore but within commuting distance of DC. The per capita personal income is $45,000 a year, exceeding the national average by 50%. It pretty much defines the middle American suburban ideal. The primary selling point is the excellent school system (full disclosure: my wife works for it) which drives up the property values of the area.

Madam Professor, as one blog has already dubbed her, lives in a particularly desirable location because kids in her neighborhood go to the highest performing high school in the highest performing county in the state. The neighborhood is well established with wide sidewalks and huge shade trees. On the weekends, I frequently ride my bicycle right past her neighborhood completely oblivious to the pleasures that would await me if I just turned in and spun my tires for awhile.

Except she’s just a little out of my price range. Her published rate is $300 per hour or $1500 overnight. The undercover cop that busted her was told to leave $400 on the dresser. He must have pre-negotiated some additional services. That’s a lot of money. Ironically, the same day, the Post ran an article next to this story stating that the going rate in the predominately Hispanic neighborhoods of adjoining Montgomery County is $30 for a 15 minute window.

So what makes her worth three Benjamins a throw? According to her very not–safe-for-work web page, she’s blond, 5’8, 135 pounds, and a natural 38D. She underplays the 41 years old part. And did I mention she has a PhD? She sure does. She got one in Sociology from the University of California at San Francisco and was working at a local college until she was involved in some sort of work dispute there.

Which leads into the “why turn tricks?” question. Easy. To pay the mortgage. She’s divorced, unemployed, and lives in a house she bought in 1996 for $256,000. The house is currently appraised at 400 grand, and knowing that neighborhood, the tax appraisal is well on the low side. It is getting very tough to find any single family homes in Howard County for less than a half-mil, especially one in her prime location.

I can’t wait for this media frenzy to really get going. White middle-aged upscale call girl is a ready-made topic for any of the daytime talk shows. I smell magazine articles, Dateline stories, maybe even a Lifetime™ movie-of-the-week. Remember you heard about her first here. And I will keep you updated. Trust me on that. Ellicott City doesn’t have much crime, but what it does have sure is fun to watch.

Update (5/21/06): The Washington Post ran a long article on Brandy and I post some new information here.

Technorati tag:, , , ,

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Random Thoughts I

Or things too short or shallow to deserve a blog entry of their own.

--------------

Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that Ted Kennedy’s book writing dog is named Splash?
Obviously not.
My dog's name Chessie is short for Chesapeake. Shouldn’t Ted’s dog be named Chappy?

--------------

If Chevy is such a proud sponsor of the Olympics, shouldn’t the Winter Games be in Malibu instead of Torino?

--------------

Speaking of Golden Globes….

The winner in the Most Unsupported Actress Category is Droopy Carrymore.


(photo courtesy of The Superficial)