Lost In Columbia

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Riding a bicycle in Columbia Maryland is not for the faint of heart. The 'planned' community is full of twisty roads, dead ends and endless loops. It's a quintessentially 1960s car-oriented bedroom community. Bordered by I-95 to the east and Route 32 to the south, it is bisected by US29, all very bicycle unfriendly limited access highways. To ride around Columbia requires a precise knowledge of which major roads lead into and out of any given 'village' as the neighborhood strip centers are called.

For my Sunday ride this week, I decided to combine some of my shorter routes and try for a forty mile ride which would be a record for the year. Little did I know how long it would be. As usual, I took Route 108 west to the edge of Columbia where Harpers Farm Road becomes Homewood Road and then Folly Quarter Road and finally Tridelphia Road all while staying the same road. From there it was back to Clarksville and the Bagel Bin. This was the 20-mile point and I rewarded myself with a bagel and a juice drink. Since my biking rule of thumb is one water bottle per twenty miles, it was time for a fill-up. With a cold full water bottle, I pressed on to the more experiemental longer route.

I skirted the edge of the Johns Hopkins Advanced Physics Lab campus and went past the famous Bollman Iron Truss Bridge in Savage. Then it was through Savage Park and back into Columbia. Here is where a bicycle route becomes tricky. All the major roads in this area including US29, Broken Land Parkway and Snowden River Parkway are major roads and not all that good for biking. But if you go north from the Kings Contrivance Village Center and cross 32 on Eden Brook Drive onto Shaker Drive (another road that changes names for no reason), you can thread your way through east Atholton and cross Broken Land Parkway at Stevens Forest. I had done this just once before, but I had had a map with me to figure out the precise twists and turns needed to make it. But I didn't.

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1. I pass Touché Touchet Bakery (which bakes excellent cupcakes) with half of bottle of water and the odometer reading 36.5 miles. I had been keeping a very steady 14 mile per hour pace and was eager to get home.
2. I hit Beechwood Road and should have turned left, but instead I prematurely turn right.This was the critical mistake from which I would not recover.
   
3. Wandering aimlessly looking for a landmark, I run out of road at the end of Allview. The road disappears down a narrow path and I figure it must lead somewhere. Somewhere is the wrong side of the river coming from Lake Elkhorn. Instead, I cross a smaller stream which requires getting my biking shoes thick with mud and lifting my bicycle over my head out of the stream bed on the other side. I then wander through nettles, miraculously none deflating my tires, and sneak through someone's back yard back to pavement.
4. As I cross Route 32, I realize I have gone the wrong way and u-turn in traffic.
5. Hot, muddy, and sweaty, I stop at the bakery and have half a coffee cake and an iced coffee. I also refill my empty water bottle. The odometer reads 41.5 miles. I have trekked five miles and gotten nowhere.
6. Rather than get lost all over again, I cut my losses and cross US29 at Seneca Road. From here I can find my way back.
7. Traffic is completely snarled at the entrance to Merriwether Post Pavilion. I assume there is some big festival concert going on.
8. I cross US29 yet again, this time on Broken Land Parkway, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
9. Finally back on the residential roads of Columbia I rejoin my planned route.

Just as the odometer swings past 50 miles, I get home at about 1 pm after having left at 8 am. I start rinsing the mud off my shoes in the shower when my wife tells me we are meeting some friends at the GiantWarehouseOfCrap where they are members so we can buy groceries on their card.

So the object lesson here is to never take roads in Columbia for granted. If you don't know where you are going, you will get lost. And while in a car, that is a minor inconvenience, on a bicycle, it turns a brisk Sunday ride into meandering nightmare.

Car Jack City

Tuesday morning I could have prevented a carjacking. Well, maybe. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

My bike had been in the shop for over a week and I was eager to go out for a ride. So eager I was willing to take it out in the pre-dawn hours before I had to shower for work. I have a front light, rear reflector light, and reflective vest, so I thought I was pretty well prepared. But the biggest scare of the morning was before I even started the ride.

Normally, I open the garage, set my bike in the driveway and take my water bottle in to be filled. This morning when the garage door opened I saw three people wandering up the street. This was just a little before six in the morning. The looked to be teenagers and were wearing the universal thug uniform of baggy white tee shirts. The high school bus comes around right about seven, so these kids were way early for that. I had no idea if they were local to the neighborhood since I exercise before the bus comes and leave for work long after it has come by.

Instead of putting my bike in the driveway, I closed the garage door and took the water bottle to the kitchen. When I opened the garage door again, the kids were now across the street leaning against my neighbor’s car and looking my why. Remembering that I didn’t have my phone on me, which I usually take with me on rides, I closed the garage door again and went back up to the kitchen to get it.

Since it was still pitch dark outside, I had to turn off the kitchen light to see if the kids were still there. They were. I had my phone in my hands ready to dial 9-1-1 when the wandered off to the next circle. I shook it off and went for my ride. A half hour later (still way early for the bus) one of the kids had been joined by a girl in a black shirt and they were lounging in the grass across from where the bus comes. The other two guys were up the street just loping along.

I told my wife about and told her to stay aware of anything suspicious. She asked if I had taken their picture. I kind of chuckled that off and said that it would have been too dark for that, but that sure was a good idea.

Then when we both left for work, we say sirens and police cars racing up and down the street. In the circle on the other side of the main road, we saw a guy talking to a cop. We went over to see what was happening. The guy was taking his two daughters to school when the kids came up to him and asked him for directions to the mall (which is a good seven miles away). Then they started swearing at him and told him to get out of the car. Fearing for his daughters he did that and they stole his car.

They didn’t get very far. The car was abandoned in the middle of the road one block away. Some other neighbor said they saw some kids run towards the woods. I told the cop at the stolen car that I had seen some suspicious kids early that morning. He told me to call in ANYTHING suspicious. He said he gets called by parents when their kids don’t want to go to school. It seems Howard County residents have a very low threshold for what qualifies as an emergency.

No one got hurt and the car got recovered. My wife assured the guy that this sort of crime is not common in our neighborhood. I’m convinced that had I taken my bike out of the garage with them still around, it would have been stolen or worse. Blog-buddy Claude had his bike stolen out of his garage earlier this summer. Another imaginary friend from the internet had a bicycle stolen from her car. While she was in it. They came up to her car with her and her kid in it and cut the straps of the bike rack and stole the bike.

If I had called the cops when I first saw these thugs loitering threateningly, that guy would not have been carjacked and he would still think Ellicott City was a safe place to raise a family. I try not to be paranoid but now when I see kids hanging out when or where they shouldn't be, I’m going to be far more careful and won’t hesitate to trust my gut instinct about what just isn’t right.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: What would you have done?

Dam Panorama

Not far from my house is Patapsco State Park which is considered to have some of the best mountain biking in the region. On my regular biking route I often see mountain bikers parked on the side of Landing Road as they go into the park. Just about two years ago they extended the trail all the way out to Ilchester Road and put in another swinging bridge across the river. Now there is away for hikers, bicycle riders, and dog walkers to get into the park without going through then entrance and paying a fee. The very small bit of frugalness I inherited from my father likes that.



Within the park is the ruins of an old, old hydroelectric dam called Bloede’s Dam, after the guy that invented it. Floods have torn away some of it, but most of the dam remains. Since Labor Day was a beautiful sunny day, I decided to load my camera onto my bike and take some pictures. I stop on the side of the trail and walk down the water’s edge. And the dam is just too big. I can’t get the whole dam thing into the view finder. So I take a bunch of pictures and photostitch them together. I end up with a pretty dam picture that is 8687 pixels by 2278 pixels which makes it nearly twenty mega pixels in size and over twelve megabytes of disc space. And as hard as I look I can't find the seams between the images. That is one big dam picture.

Since I have unlimited bandwidth on Flickr, I upload it there as well as other pictures from that day, so if you want the big version, here it is. But if you download it make sure you have a dam fast connection.

Training Day

National Blog Posting Month Day 6

They just built a huge Big Box complex close to my house with a Costco, Lowes, Best Buy and a bunch of other mega-retailers. They also have several outparcels for restaurants. Since I moved to Howard County about twelve years ago, about every chain known to man has moved in. The competition in this “nobody eats at home” bedroom community is fierce. Our favorite Bennigans went out of business, which stunned us and put a real crimp in our band carwash fundraisers. With so many other places nearby, we were curious how they were going to find tenants that were unique.

My wife was getting copies made at the newly opened Office Depot making small talk with the person behind her in line. That person turned out to be the owner/manager of one of the restaurants. She was copying invites to the pre-opening test nights and gave my wife a coupon for four. My wife invited another couple and we showed up for a free meal.

The coupon was for free entrees for each person from a selected menu provided that each person had a different dish. We had to cover cocktails and tip. Over the next few weeks we managed to eat for free at three of these new places and get a good sampling. All three of the restaurants were waiter service casual dining places along the lines of the Applebees/Fridays template, but each one has a slightly different twist to make them as unique as a chain with a hundred stores can be.

Houlihans – Upscale Fridays
The one my wife got the personal invite to was Houlihans which is closest to the traditional bar and grill full of flair. I hadn’t seen a Houlihans since I moved out of Atlanta twenty years ago, but they seem to be expanding. Back in the day, Houlihans was the type of place you talked your folks into taking you for brunch when they were in town. They still try to look a little classier than the competition.

The food was very typical pub grub specializing in greasy stuff like buffalo wings, spicy shrimp, ribettes, and burgers. I had a salmon which was much better than average, but overall the food was lackluster. Where they specialized was in wine and martini flights. A martini flight is three different drinks each with a unique flavor like chocolate, key lime, guava, and lemonade. We got a total of six, but we weren’t sure which ones because the waitress got the names and the drinks all mismatched.

Verdict: A nice place to get fancy drinks but the food was run of the mill.

Mimi’s Café – French Fridays
The couple we took to Houlihans repaid the favor by giving us a try-out coupon to the next one to open, Mimi’s Café. They are trying to give off a French Bistro vibe with fireplaces and relaxed lighting. The menu aims for comfort food with a twist. The one I couldn’t resist was the lobster mac and cheese. While it the mac and cheese was nowhere in the league of Dumont Burger in Brooklyn, the lobster chunks were novel enough to be intriguing.

My wife had a jambalaya that was so huge, the leftovers made two more lunches for her. She also really loved the soup, which varies daily meaning you have to plan your schedule carefully if you have a favorite. My son judges restaurants by the quality of the cheeseburger and based on how fast he inhaled, it passed muster. All these entrees were under fifteen bucks each.

The banana bread ice cream desert they brought out for the whole table was bigger than anybody’s head. They also had a full bar with some nice strong specialty cocktails. If you have to drive they also several types of coffee.

Verdict: Better than average food without the loud frentic atmosphere of a typical bar and grille.

On The Border: Tex-Mex Fridays
The third restaurant was just good timing on our part. We were on our way to Costco for groceries when I noticed that On The Border had a big opening soon banner up, but plenty of cars in the lot. That screamed training day to me. Since it was mid-day on Sunday, the manager had some spaces to fit us in. The food is American-style Mexican heavy on the cheese and frying. Our meal choices included an appetizer sampler plate that could have filled us up by itself. The quesadillas were particularly good. I like chimichangas and theirs was huge if a little light on the spices. My wife got a four item combo plate since we weren’t paying for the food. We snuck enough stuff into our doggie bag to feed our teenage son later that night.

The margaritas were plenty strong, which is always an issue with chain bars that tend to be a little light on the pours. We only had one each or we weren’t going to get any grocery shopping done. I tried a berry flavored one that was awful compared to the traditional flavor. Froofy martinis are one thing, but margaritas need to stay close to their roots.

Verdict: Enormous portions but nothing special or inventive about the dishes.

Over about a two week period we ate out three times for free and after too many drinks and generous tips still ended spending less half of what we normally would. These open houses are a big deal. Every table stays full and the whole staff is on duty the whole day. It must cost them thousands in free food to undergo the shakedown period.

Of the three, we are probably most likely to get back to Mimi’s because of the cozy atmosphere and my wife loves big hearty bowls of soup. And the next chain that wants to open in Howard County is going to have some tough competition.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: What do you look for in a sit-down chain?

Home Show

A while back Mooselet challenged her readers to post GoogleEarth pictures of where they lived. Her house is tucked away in the forested Down Under. I couldn't compete with that so I didn't bother. Besides, those GoogleEarth pictures are so grainy. Then I discovered a website called Zillow. Since I haven’t been in the real estate market for several years, I was unaware how out of control the availability of web info was. They had all sorts of public document information on my domicile. They even had some really great close-up aerial photos. So here it is, Casa Yellojkt:




It’s a fairly non-descript townhouse with a one-car garage and a walk-out basement. Judging by the Zestimates™ (the website’s silly name for their computerized market value estimates) my house is in the middle of the pack for my neighbors. If you look in the backyard, you can see the picnic bench my neighbors drink at while their Golden Retreivers pee in my postage stamp backyard. I don't mind too much since I’m the only unit in our group without a deck. I’ve never felt I needed a three thousand dollar gas grille stand. Every year when we budget the choice between a vacation and a deck, the deck always loses.

Some people can afford anything they want for in a house. Thanks to the power of Zillow you can envy or pity these people as well. Take this palace where the owner took the idea of his house is his castle a little too literally:



When this house was built back in 1998 it made the news as being the most expensive house in Howard County not owned by the descendants of a Declaration of Independence signer. In an area where ginormous houses don't merit a second glance, this house stood out in a way that would make Thorstein Veblen blush. I can’t Google any of the original stories, but if I recall correctly, the original owners won a decent sized lottery and sunk over half of it into building their dream house. Here are the stats:

16 beds, 8.0 baths, 86 rooms, 27,450 sq ft; 5.54 acres
Sold 04/23/2001: $2,528,400
2007 Property Tax: $32,531
ZESTIMATE™: $3,502,030

Their first choice of neighborhoods rejected them for being too ostentatious. They found a more modest subdivision that was glad to take their money. Because here is the best part. This house is on a flag lot. There is an undeveloped lot between this mini-Versailles and the street.

I had never heard of flag lots before moving here, but they litter Howard County. On a flag lot, a driveway runs between two other houses to more houses behind the ones on the street. I’ve seen houses clustered in groups of six, two with driveways to the street and four more houses in the back on flag lots. I wouldn’t have a flag lot if you gave it to me (too much driveway to shovel), but clearly it was good enough for this massive erection.

Real estate is location, location, location, and this house is surrounded by homes one fifth its size and one third its value. Not a good choice for long term appreciation. When the owner’s only daughter went off to college, the couple put it on the market where it languished and eventually sold for about half what it cost to build. Fools and money are welcome clients of contractors and real estate agents.

My wife and I love to visit the Gilded Age mansions. One of the common themes is that the gaudy “cottages” the robber barons built themselves rarely stayed in the family for more than a generation or two. Between the upkeep and dwindling principal of the family fortune from spendthrift heirs, giant mansions quickly become hungry, hungry white elephants.

A McMansion is an oversized house on a rinky-dink lot surrounded by other monuments to middlebrow conspicuous consumption. By that definition, the Gaither Farm Road Folly is a McBiltmore.

If I ever have a fortune dropped in my lap, I hope I can keep my wants in line with my needs and stay away from a house where the window washing bill is more than my paycheck.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: How much house is too much?

Brandy Britton, RIP

According to the Baltimore Sun, former University of Maryland Baltimore County professor and alleged prostitute Brandy Britton died over the weekend, apparently of suicide. A relative, presumably one of her daughters, found the body.

Since her arrest for soliciting a little over a year ago, the HoCo Hooker, as I have called Brandy on this blog, was the subject of intermittent press attention, much of it generated by her. The novelty of her situation, a middle-aged PhD turning tricks out of a quiet suburban neighborhood, made her an enigmatic case study in the sex trade. Every time a court date loomed close, a newspaper article with a few new slivers of information about her past appeared.

I chronicled these media mini-circuses with an ironic and sarcastic tone. My three posts about her case over the last year have made me the “I feel lucky” hit for “Brandy Britton”. When I read the preliminary online article about her death this morning, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had played some minor role in the misery that made her decide life was no longer worth living. I hope not. I have never met Brandy Britton or Alexis Angel, her hooker alterego, in person or online. We have no connection except as a topic on my blog.

To the best of my knowledge, Brandy never knew of my blog, but people that knew Brandy did. Many of them posted anonymous comments revealing details about the scandal at her last day job and about her troubled past. From context it was even possible to figure out who a few of them were. In the eight months since my Brandy’s Back post, over 250 comments turned the article into a virtual chatroom about her past, present, and future.

My blog never got any mainstream press attention, but within a day of me posting a link to a site rumored to be Brandy working under a new name, the site vanished from redirected traffic. That is more power than I ever imagined my blog to have. I don’t want that responsibility.

Suicide has always struck me as a particularly drastic option. Brandy was looking at misdemeanor charges with little chance of jail time. Her constant legal maneuvering seemed to be excessive in light of the pettiness of the charges. In some ways her arrest seemed the least of her troubles. Her second marriage was abusive and her scandal-tinged tenure at UMBC made her a pariah in her field. Without a steady income, legal or otherwise, the residence which served as her suburban bordello was foreclosed on. It was in this house that she ended her pain.

She had been scheduled for a new court date in February. She won’t ever face trial, but that doesn’t mean the ordeal is over. Death is never closure because it leaves behind all the other lives that have intersected with the deceased. Those demanding justice for Brandy having ruined their life or marriage will have to settle for this.

Prurient Google® searches for Brandy are a staple of my blog traffic. This latest development is bound to only make it worse. What started as a tawdry story with a local twist is no longer funny. I had no way of knowing that a year ago. I wish I had.

HoCo Hooker Update

Update (1/29/07): Brandy Britton committed suicide over the weekend according to a report by the Baltimore Sun.


My favorite blonde, D-cup, over-educated call girl, Brandy Britton, is back in the news. This time, against her lawyer’s recommendations, she is spinning her eye-rolling tale of how $300 an hour is a fair price for her ‘companionship’ to the Baltimore Examiner. She explains that the 150 condoms at her house were necessary tools in her research into HIV transmission vectors. She also thinks anyone without nine bottles of lube just isn’t enjoying sex enough.

If you will recall from my last post about her, she waived a judicial hearing for what is a fairly routine charge to get jury trial. Regrettably, my jury service is over, because I’d love to be on that case even if my blog would cause a mistrial. I know way too much about her and the case that I shouldn’t know.

According to an Examiner sidebar article, sleepy Howard County has made 52 prostitution arrests so far this year. Most of these probably involve truck-stop hookers and shady massage health spas, not a woman with a doctorate degree operating out of a soon to be foreclosed on $400,000 home (that is the appraised value, fair market worth would be much higher) on a sleepy Wisteria Lane-like cul-de-sac. She has already rebuffed one plea bargain offer.

Her latest version of events include paranoid tales of police persecution and harassment. While it does seem odd that it takes eleven cops to raid one two-story colonial for a middle-aged woman armed only with Astroglide, I doubt that anyone is now bugging her living room. Her latest court date has been delayed, this time apparently by the prosecution. The only other new press is a letter to the editor defending her based on the Examiner article.

Several things about this case still don’t add up. One mysterious critical event in her chronology is the short marriage to her legally-declared abusive husband, Isamu Tubyangye. During that time, the cops seemed more than familiar with her address, having to answer at least 27 domestic disturbance and other calls. How he plays into the legal and psychological dramas at UMBC is still confusing as well as exactly when Brandy turned on the red light as Alexis.

This low-life has seemed to vanish off the face of the earth after pleading guilty to assault twice and serving jail time for it. The Examiner article says that calls to his Florida home went unreturned. That means the reporter is paying no attention at all to the comments section of my blog, which clearly place him in Australia. If the reporter had been around for the two days before I deleted the comment, he could have jotted down the exact street address.

Which brings up the small community of BrandyHaters that have been sympathizing with each other as well as posting new information about Brandy and her ex-husband. My Brandy posts have brought out commenters that keep adding to the dialog long after most blog posts have closed shop. These folk have gotten so cozy together, I almost expect them to start trading recipes. While most of the parties post anonymously, there seem to be at least a half-dozen regulars. They include:

• The wife of her former boss
• The wife of a former ‘client’
• A close friend of her now-remarried first husband
• The former girlfriend and baby-momma of her second husband
• A friend of the second husband’s current girlfriend in Australia

Obviously, most of these people have a grudge or an ax to grind, but some of the links and research are interesting, if not likely to be admissible in court. For example, while most of Brandy/Alexis/whoever’s official websites vanish soon after I link to them, this page on an escort service site (NSFW, in case you need to be told) still has pictures from her Alexis days.

Prostitution is frequently referred to as a victimless crime. When a husband is spending thousands of dollars on a call girl, there are victims, just not the ones in the legal process. One commenter (perhaps the same one) also makes the point that sexually transmitted diseases from a sex worker are a risk to more than the john. Of course, this applies to any style of promiscuity, extramarital, commercial, or otherwise.

The story has a high titter factor, which is why the press and public (present company included) keep following it. But there are real victims and ruined lives littered in the wake of it. That is hard to remember when there is so much theater of the absurd surrounding this case.

As an aside, Luke Broadwater, the writer of the Examiner article calls Centennial High School “perhaps the best school in the best public-school district in the state” which means he agrees with my characterization of it as “the highest performing high school in the highest performing county in the state” when I first blogged about Brandy back in January. Just sayin’.

Blatant Comment Whoring™: None. This post will probably not have trouble attracting comments and there is enough whoring in Howard County going on without my contribution.

Brandy's Back

Update (5/5/07): Brandy Britton was linked to accused Washington DC madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey on ABC's 20/20 according to Howard Kurtz's article in the Washington Post.

Update (1/29/07): Brandy Britton committed suicide over the weekend according to a report by the Baltimore Sun.


For several months since I first wrote "Really Desperate Housewife" about Brandy Britton, the Ellicott City woman who puts the PhD into prostitution, I have been waiting for the other shoe to fall. Brandy is the former college professor that got arrested at her house for soliciting under the name Alexis Angel. I blogged about it because of the very high snicker factor and the local area connection. It has also become one of my most popular archived entries, behind “Cute Baby Pictures”.

My blog post attracted the attention of at least one anonymous commenter very close to the situation that kept feeding me links and comments about the status of the case. She was the one that first alerted me that the charges against Brandy go to court this week.

It is surely no coincidence that a few days right before the case goes to court, the Washington Post in their Sunday Style section has an enormous article titled “The House With The Lights On” that gives a detailed but still incomplete picture of Dr. CallGirl. The only people quoted on the record are her mom, a former professor, and Brandy herself. Much of the rest of the article is based on court records and other information in the public domain.

A long section of the article details her running feud with the University of Maryland Baltimore County where she worked before a filing gender discrimination lawsuit, something she had done at an earlier job as well. In particular, her boss, Dr Derek Gill, is quoted third hand and never directly. This may have to do with ongoing litigation, but the Post is never shy about anonymous sources in their political reporting, surely they could have found someone to discuss her stay at UMBC that would explain why “many in her department had turned against her.” A bold claim presented with no supporting evidence. There doesn't seem to be any love lost there, somebody must be able to shed some light on her tenure, or lack thereof.

The Post article is as telling about what it hints at without ever saying it. It gives out the URL of her old site, but mentions a new site that may or may not be Brandy back in business under a new name. This newer site at The Cultured Comapanion: An Elite Escort Experience for the Mind, Body & Soul (link very Not Safe For Work (update: and now dead)) gives info for “Claire” that is very similar to the old “Alexis”. The Cultured Companion gives her stats as follows:

Physical & Demographic Details
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 125
Measurements: 38D (natural)-25-36
Hair Color & Length: blonde, shoulder length
Eyes: Green
Age: 32
Body Type: Athletic and Slender
Education: Post-graduate
Marital Status: Single
Ethnicity: Caucasian

She sure is proud of that natural D-cup. The only real difference seems to be that the new girl is about ten years younger than the old Alexis. The pictures on the website are also much more explicit and professionally done rather than looking like they were taken with a cameraphone in her living room. Claire is just as bright as Alexis/Brandy as the following blurb claims as well:

A UNIQUE COMBINATION OF BRAINS & BEAUTY

The Cultured Companion is a sexy, intelligent and passionate provider who truly enjoys her time with clients. She has long blonde hair, seductive green eyes and a tone yet curvaceous figure 38D-25-36 which is all natural. At nearly 5’ 9” her long legs are complimented by a smooth, olive complexion and full, sensuous lips. An athlete, cheerleader and dancer since childhood, Claire has continued her dance and athletic training and is extremely flexible and in excellent physical shape. She has modeled and been a pageant contestant.

The Cultured Companion is sophisticated, refined, educated and articulate. She holds a post-graduate degree from an elite university. She is a published author and a trainer for a variety of organizations. She is open-minded and analytical and at the same time sexy, seductive, playful and creative. Professional clients often say that they enjoy talking with her and that her intelligence, creativity and energy enhances their experiences.

The rates are about the same but now outcall services are available for the greater DC/VA/MD area. I guess since complaining neighbors were what got her in all this trouble in the first place, outcall is the way to go. The phone number on the website is a Virginia area code, so I’m not sure what that says except that maybe she is trying to be more discrete. I hope I haven’t blown her cover. She still insists on the paper–thin dodge that clients are only buying her time and companionship. $300 bucks an hour is expensive conversation and definitely not worth seven grand a week.

TOKENS OF AFFECTION
THESE DONATIONS ARE FOR TIME AND COMPANIONSHIP ONLY!

INCALL APPOINTMENTS
1 HOUR INCALL ~ $300
OUTCALL APPOINTMENTS
1 HOUR OUTCALL ~ $375
An additional travel fee may be charged for locations outside of the regular travel area
EVENING, OVERNIGHT AND TRAVEL COMPANIONSHIP
Dinner Date or Evening Out (5 hours) ~ $1,200
Overnight (12 hours) ~ $1,800
Overnight (24 hrs) $2,500
Weekend $4,500
1 Week $7,000
Weekends and Longer Periods of Companionship for Travel Are Also Available
Please email for details

The Post article tries to make a big deal that Brandy/Alexis was a madam because she offered “two-girl parties.” This shows a pretty remarkable level of naivete on the part of the writer for buying into police assertions that more hookers are involved. The “two girl” offer is similar to what the Duke Lacrosse team had at their infamous party. I doubt Brandy ever even got taken up on that offer since stripper services offer that at a much lower price. There is no evidence anywhere I know of that anyone other than Brandy answered the doorbell at Shirley Meadow Court.

The Cultured Companion, like Alexis, has an odd attachment to Greek culture, but now no longer explicitly charges extra for it. She has also expanded her offerings to include couples sessions at a slightly higher price.

There is still way more to this story than the papers have dug into. Hanging out a new shingle right before your court case is complete doesn’t strike me as a good business strategy. I’m not sure whether Brandy is trying to get publicity so she can write a book or become some sort of cause celebre for sex workers. It may be just that prostitution is her only marketable skill left. If so, why not publicize her new service a little more prominently? Let’s not be so coy. In words attributed to Winston Churchill and Groucho Marx, we know what you are, now we’re just negotiating price.

Update (5/26/06): According to the Baltimore Sun, her lawyer got a continuance on her case until August 8th, and Brandy seems to have successfully managed to avoid the paparazzi. The Cultured Companion website is now offline, which is a shame, since over 200 people have tried to surf to it from my site. I'm not sure how many were potential clients. Yes, I did archive some of the pictures from the site. No, I am not going to e-mail them to you. Go find your own porn.

Update (8/9/06): According NBC4, Brandy's trial has been postponed yet again, this time until October. This WJZ news story gives further details. It seem her lawyers have requested a jury trial which is scheduled for October 24. If you are a LostGoogler™ looking for prurient stories about hookers, try this one. If you just like my writing style, read some of my posts that don't have lascivious content by checking out either Best of 2005 or Best of 2006, Part 1.

Update (October 24, 2006): For my latest post on Brandy, see here.

Really Desperate Housewife

Update (1/29/07): Brandy Britton committed suicide over the weekend according to a report by the Baltimore Sun.

Last week a hooker got arrested in Ellicott City. It made all the local news channels. It was covered by the Baltimore Sun and the Washington Post. It has made national wire services reports. Why is it news? Because the woman is 41 years old, has a PhD, and was “working” out of her very suburban colonial house on a quiet residential cul de sac. Her name is Brandy Britton and Brandy does appear to be her real name since it is on all her NIH grant applications. Her hooker name was Alexis Angel. Not much of an improvement. I would have stayed with Brandy.

Howard County is a sleepy suburban community just outside of Baltimore but within commuting distance of DC. The per capita personal income is $45,000 a year, exceeding the national average by 50%. It pretty much defines the middle American suburban ideal. The primary selling point is the excellent school system (full disclosure: my wife works for it) which drives up the property values of the area.

Madam Professor, as one blog has already dubbed her, lives in a particularly desirable location because kids in her neighborhood go to the highest performing high school in the highest performing county in the state. The neighborhood is well established with wide sidewalks and huge shade trees. On the weekends, I frequently ride my bicycle right past her neighborhood completely oblivious to the pleasures that would await me if I just turned in and spun my tires for awhile.

Except she’s just a little out of my price range. Her published rate is $300 per hour or $1500 overnight. The undercover cop that busted her was told to leave $400 on the dresser. He must have pre-negotiated some additional services. That’s a lot of money. Ironically, the same day, the Post ran an article next to this story stating that the going rate in the predominately Hispanic neighborhoods of adjoining Montgomery County is $30 for a 15 minute window.

So what makes her worth three Benjamins a throw? According to her very not–safe-for-work web page, she’s blond, 5’8, 135 pounds, and a natural 38D. She underplays the 41 years old part. And did I mention she has a PhD? She sure does. She got one in Sociology from the University of California at San Francisco and was working at a local college until she was involved in some sort of work dispute there.

Which leads into the “why turn tricks?” question. Easy. To pay the mortgage. She’s divorced, unemployed, and lives in a house she bought in 1996 for $256,000. The house is currently appraised at 400 grand, and knowing that neighborhood, the tax appraisal is well on the low side. It is getting very tough to find any single family homes in Howard County for less than a half-mil, especially one in her prime location.

I can’t wait for this media frenzy to really get going. White middle-aged upscale call girl is a ready-made topic for any of the daytime talk shows. I smell magazine articles, Dateline stories, maybe even a Lifetime™ movie-of-the-week. Remember you heard about her first here. And I will keep you updated. Trust me on that. Ellicott City doesn’t have much crime, but what it does have sure is fun to watch.

Update (5/21/06): The Washington Post ran a long article on Brandy and I post some new information here.

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