Movie Stripper Awards

The awards season is upon us. The Golden Globes and the SAG awards have already been awarded and Oscar nominations were just announced. This doesn’t even count the dozen of phony awards shows that will fill all the gaps. It seems everyone gets nominated for something.

The problem with movie awards is that the categories are too broad. Basically, the acting nominations are divided into male and female and leading and supporting. This makes for too many tough comparisons. Can an actress in a period piece really be compared to one in a contemporary thriller. The Grammies have the right idea. They have sub-categories for every imaginable sub-genre of music.

As a public service, I suggest we need a separate category for the different types of roles. One character type that seems to get over looked at awards time is the very important role of Movie Stripper. Movie Strippers are very different from real strippers:

• Movie strippers never actually take all their clothes off.
• Movie strippers are attractive even before five beers.
• Movie strippers seem to have lots time to discuss their personal lives in excruciating detail.
• Movie strippers have elaborate costumes and choreographed routines that make Broadway musicals seem like kindergarten pageants.
• Movie strippers don’t use bad make-up to cover their needle tracks.
• Movie strippers never hustle overpriced drinks then leave as soon as some drunk codger across the room wants a lap dance.
• Movie strippers never promise to meet you after their shift and then sneak out the back door with the bouncer to avoid you. (OK, this last one might just be me.)

My nominees for the First Annual Jennifer Beals Memorial Award for Best Movie Stripper are:

Natalie Portman in Closer Natalie Portman has been playing cute objects of affection since Beautiful Girls. Try watching that without a little Nabokovian tinge of guilt. In Closer, she shows she’s all grown up by acting in a movie with other great actors playing morally reprehensible sex addicts. In this case, the stripper is the honest non-screwed-up character. When “dancing” she wears a wild fuscia wig and lavender g-string. She does con Clive Owen out of an obscene amount of money in the private champagne room. Unfortunately, strategically placed camera angles rob internet junkies everywhere of the raw materials for the ultimate Padme Photoshop Phantasy.

Jessica Alba in Sin City I’m at a disadvantage since I haven’t seen this movie. I understand that it has some really gruesome scenes and I’m not into gruesome, even if Jessica Alba wears chaps and a cowboy hat. I'm not sure I like a trend where an R-rated movie shows the graphic torture of a guy's genitals, but lets the starlet keep her bra on. I do know that her acting showed absolutely no improvement over two seasons of "Dark Angel", and nothing in her current oeuvre would lead you to believe it has improved any.

Rosario Dawson in Rent Rosario’s character Mimi is a junkie and HIV-positive, providing at least some brief nod to reality. Her character's AIDS causes her to develop a really bad cough that doesn’t prevent her from hitting the high notes in her big dying number. The sleazy LES strip bar where she dances, when not hitting on the HIV+ cowboy songwriter, is more lavishly decorated than places with $50 covers where Howard Stern hangs out. Rent is a PG-13 movie which means the extras on "The Sopranos" get to show more skin.

Since the awards shows won't recognize the valuable contributions of these thespians, I have started my own poll. Vote below and be sure to leave a comment if you vote for other.