Friday, June 13, 2008

Family Fotos


Pictures of my son always go over well, so today I'm going to up the ante and post some photos of the largest gathering of the yellojkt clan since my Grandmother's funeral. The occasion was my son's graduation. We talked my aunt who has an old farmhouse in northeastern Maryland to host a graduation picnic on Memorial Day weekend. I then got relatives from both sides of my family to make the trek from Florida to Massachusetts up for the event.

One of our guests was a semi-pro photographer, so we made him sing for his supper and he composed and shot some great group portraits.


The first is my wife, my son and myself. My wife has been wanting a current shot of the three of us and has made all sorts of reprints from wallet size to 5x7s of this shot.


This picture is my side of the family and includes in no order: my father and mother, my brother, his wife and their four kids, two uncles, two aunts, a cousin, that cousin's wife and their adorable girl (who is the subject of one of the most viewed Foma posts ever).


On my wife's side of the family, we have a much smaller crowd consisting of her mother, brother, her brother's wife, and our niece. In this picture we have represented genetic stock from the following countries: Ireland, Scotland, Germany, France, Spain, Cuba, Vietnam, China, and Japan.

While I haven't supplied enough information to fill out a full genealogical chart, this provides a good start at keeping track of the various relatives that keep things interesting.

I was so excited to get so many family members to all show up in one place on one day. It's good to have family willing to celebrate the happy milestones as well as the sad. And this was a happy event indeed.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Concert Clods


The whole family went to see REM at Merriweather Post Pavilion last night and it only took a few people to remind me why I don't like rock concerts much anymore. It's not the music, it's the crowd.

Stand All Night Guy. For the REM set, the point was moot since the entire audience stood for the whole show anyways, but there was one guy determined to jump the gun. During the Modest Mouse opening set, about five rows ahead of us, a fairly tall guy decided he wanted to stand for a better view. Nevermind that only ten people in the whole pavilion were standing and none of them were in front of them. Two were dancing in place, so you can excuse the enthusiasm, but this guy just stood there with his arms folded. The second time security came by and asked him to sit down, he got argumentative and waved at the scattered other standers. Then as soon as the security guy was out of sight, stood up again.

Sing Along Guy. Right at the second song he decided that since he knew nearly all the words, he would sing along even if nobody else was. Only he was louder than Michael Stipe and not nearly as in-tune.

Cocktail Party Couples. Two couples our age or older sat in front of us quietly chatting amongst themselves drinking beer and wine. When the show started, they rearranged their seating and the guys watched the show occasionally exchanging comments while the wives went on to face each other and have a conversation between themselves for the entire rest of the show. They didn't look at the stage once and there was intermittent hugging. I couldn't hear myself think over music even with earplugs, but these two acted like they had just run into old friends at the grocery store for nearly two hours.

Drunken Song Requester.
Also known as Sing Along Guy. He wanted to hear "Driver 8" really bad. Between each song he would just yell it over and over again. Finally, about half way through the show, Michael Stipe announced "This next song is by request" and went into "Driver 8". Since Drunken Song Requester was in the last row of the pavilion I was impressed. That didn't stop him from continuing to request it. At one point, he said "I know they already played it" and yelled for "End Of The World" (which never did get played) before going back to "Driver 8".

Elbow To The Head Guy. Okay, this was also Sing Along Guy. My wife is short and can't see over all the people standing, so at a show she often just sits down and watches them monitors. At least three times, Drunken Song Requester managed to knock her in the head with his elbow without any apology. Just before the break before the encore, she decided that she just wasn't enjoying the show and headed to the car early. Soon after she got there, who should have walked in front of her but Drunken Song Requester who had left right as the encore started. I told her that running him over would have been justifiable homicide.

So really, we only encountered a few inconsiderate people but also one Really Obnoxious Asshole. And it only takes one to ruin a show. Let's hope he doesn't have tickets to the Robert Plant/Allison Krauss show tomorrow. I don't want to have to listen to a drunken idiot scream for "Stairway To Heaven" all night.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Tour Dem Parks


Yesterday, despite the heat, I went on the Tour Dem Parks charity bicycle ride. I like these little events sponsored by local charities where you pay a fee, do a ride, and get a tee shirt. While I admire people like HRH Courtney that can go out and raise a ton of money for a super-charity, that is not my style or level of dedication. This event was in support of Baltimore City Parks and the route went through as many as possible. Since the focus is on parks, many of which I had never even heard of, here are my impressions.

CARROLL PARK – The ride started and stopped here. I had never been to this park, the centerpiece of which is the Carroll Mansion which is one of those minor tourist attractions I have never been to. All over were signs to not park on the grass which would have been tempting had I not been so severely warned. Since I got there an hour early, I got real close parking and helped myself to some bananas for breakfast.

MIDDLE BRANCH PARK – From Carroll Park, the Gwynns Falls Trail runs through some of Baltimore’s finest industrial wasteland including the incinerator that welcomes visitors to Charm City. Once through there it becomes the part of Middle River Park, a nice sleepy park (and I say sleepy because a few people were sleeping on the park benches) along the Middle River that is part swamp and part open sewer. Right near the end of the park was a gorgeous boat house where some folks were washing something.

SOLO GIBBS PARK – Rejoining the main route took us around Ravens Stadium and then through Solo Gibbs Parks which as we navigated bollards and skinny paths seemed more residential playground than full-fledged park, but it was busy and went by fast.

FEDERAL HILL PARK - The route through Federal Hill was some of the most tedious with lots of cross streets and traffic, but the view from Federal Hill was worth it. Overlooking the entire Inner Harbor, this little park is one of the most charming places in Baltimore. Lots of riders were taking breaks for pictures and sightseeing. I had never actually been to the park before and it was smaller but prettier than I had imagined. Down below we could see a throng of runners on a charity run.



HARBORPLACE - While not technically a park, the Inner Harbor is definitely park-like and as we swooped through the plaza, we joined the route of the charity run (it might have been Susan Komen or Race For The Cure, I never quite got the name) all the way out to Canton. The race volunteers and traffic police kept yelling at the bicyclists to stay away from the runners and sometimes gave contradictory directions on which side of the street to stay on. Still, it was nice to have Boston Street closed to traffic.

O’DONNELL SQUARE – Canton is one of my favorite Baltimore neighborhoods, but we just zipped through once we were free of the runners.

PATTERSON PARK- Patterson Park is the largest park in Baltimore and should be a Central Park or Boston Meadows style centerpiece, but it isn’t. While well landscaped, it was a little shabby. The trail wandered through the hill and a large tree downed by recent storms nearly totally blocked one part of the path. Right at the southwest corner we went by a gorgeous mega-playground built like a fort that was completely kid free at 9 am on a Sunday morning. The first rest area was right in front of the Patterson Pagoda, a regional landmark. It was cool to see it up close.

CLIFTON PARK – The ride to Clifton Park was through some of the worst war-zone abandoned rowhouse areas of Baltimore. On the left just north of Johns Hopkins Hospital, there was a huge four block area that had been bulldozed clear. A big sign noting what is was for went by to fast to read. All the bicyclists waved at the ladies coming out of church in their Sunday finery and big hats. At Clifton Park, the bicylclists started getting confused about the route. It went up a large steep hill past the clubhouse of the infamous Clifton Golf Course and back down the other side.

HERRING RUN PARK – Right at this park I saw a Taco Truck setting up on the side of the road with a lot of guys in soccer jerseys setting up a field. Then it was around Lake Montebello on a very nice biking/jogging path. Past this point the route wandered through some very nice neighborhoods including the elderly housing apartments that stand where Memorial Stadium used to be. While not marked on the cue sheet, one park was surrounded by mansions and completely landscaped with flowers all in bloom.

WYMAN PARK – This shaded meandering park went by too fast to enjoy as we headed downhill to the next rest area across the street from the Stieff Silver Building. Here the heat was beginning to build and plenty of people were using the hose to cool off.

DRUID HILL PARK – Truly the crown jewel of Baltimore City, this park was busy with all sorts of activity. The route took us along the lake, past the conservatory and zoo and to a beautiful path behind the park that led down a steep switchback to the Jones Falls Trail. This trail kept appearing and disappearing as it led back into the central area of Baltimore.

MOUNT ROYAL - At this point I was getting confused and just following groups of riders and we wandered through the Mount Royal area. At one point in the median of a bigger road, a group of more serious cyclists were waiting at the route split for a lost buddy. The long route went from there west to the trailhead of the Gwynns Falls Trail. That was the trail/park I was really looking forward to but I checked my watch and odometer. I had gone over twenty-five miles already, it was after eleven and over ninety degrees. I headed back to the start.

CARROLL PARK – The route back went along MLK Boulevard past UMB and through some newer housing developments including one advertising townhomes in the low 300s. Back at the park, all the ballfields were busy and the announcers were booming over the speakers in Spanish. Back at the Carriage House, all bikers were crowding around the Gatorade. I had a hockey puck burger and a Chipotle pork taco before heading home.



It’s been several years since I did an organized ride in Baltimore and I loved the route of this one. You really saw all aspects of the city, good and bad. And there are some real hidden gem parks along the way. And if somewhere in your travels, you pass a wheezing, puffing guy in a loud gold GT biking jersey, that was me.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Streets of Soho


I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
walkin through the streets of Soho in the rain.
He was lookin for the place called Lee Ho Fooks,
gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein.


On Thursday I posted a picture of me in front of Lee Ho Fooks, the Soho Chinese restaurant made famous by Warren Zevon. The slip of paper in my hand was not a menu, but a coupon that a street barker was handing out. In our group that was touring together, there was an age divide right around 35 that recognized the cultural significance of the place while the younger generation was perplexed with our fascination.

Since we were with a group tour, we had most of our meals covered which meant eating a lot of mediocre food in places that cater to tourists. We had fish and chips one night and curry another. We did have Chinese one day at a different Chinatown place, but no beef chow mein.

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On our free night, we found ourselves back in the Soho/Charing Cross area looking for a place and stumbled onto Norman’s Coach and Horses that was a traditional British pub catering to the locals rather than the tourists. And even though we picked it at random out of severe hunger, it seems that the place has a colorful history. The upstairs dining room was closed for a private party but they let us eat down in the pub portion. I had a bangers sandwich that had a cutesy name and my wife had the meat pie. Both were delicious.

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We kept getting jostled by the drinking patrons who were very wrapped up in watching some international rugby tournament. For dessert, two doors down was an authentic French pastry shop with outdoor dining. That was a great way to satisfy our sweet tooths in Soho. So we had lots of great dining in London, but never did run into any werewolves with perfect hair walking with the queen.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Personality Drink Quiz


By the date of the is file, I stole this quiz from HRH Courtney quite a while ago. But it's funny even if kinda dopey. Hint: Take it more than once to realize that it's just mega-random.

The Recipe For yellojkt

3 parts Shrewdness
2 parts Prosperity
1 part Understanding

Splash of Slyness

Finish off with whipped cream

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Links Not Safe For Anywhere


Rob Balder is a song parodist that works the geek circuit. I saw him last year at Balticon (the graduation festivities prevented me from letting my nerd flag fly this year) with several other members of the Funny Music Project. The FuMP aspires to incubate the next Weird Al and releases two songs a week on their website and as a podcast.

I subscribe through iTunes and find maybe one in five songs funny, but since it doesn't cost anything to listen, no harm, no foul. One song called "JFGI" (and I did have to Google the title) was a random list of phrases monotoned Alan Ginsberg style. I went to the website and got this explanation:
All of the phrases in this song were entered into a search engine at least once, causing someone to click through to TheFuMP.com or SuddenDeath.org.
We all get very strange search engine links. I know that Flasshe puts one in many of his posts. I'm still skeeved out that I get weekly hits for "Jordan Todosey naked", but if you mention the thirteen-year-old actress in the same post as The Naked Brothers Band, it's bound to happen.







Since the song's lyrics were all Google searches I decided to see where they went. I've gone and done the "I'm Feeling Lucky" search for each phrase. A few just led back to the song, so I went on to the next ranked site. While I did this with SafeSearch off, only one link led to a genuine porn site. And its probably not the one you would expect. Several led to YouTube clips, so I marked those as such, just in case you don't want the distraction. A few lead to either the official site or MySpace page of a band and could play music randomly. You've been warned.

See if you are as curious as I was. A disturbingly large number of links lead to medical sites. I don't know if that reflects on the typical Google search or the subject matter of FuMP songs.
JFGI

fat chicks in spandex
meredith baxter birney my breast
praying to the porcelain god
see peoples guts and boobs
eat all the old people song
what is meant by halitosis
funny rapers (Video, and the funniest of the lot)
wonder woman topless
resthome for hoes
do the pee wee herman
pictures of maggots in a cat
psycho slut from hell
the pill mood swing cures
skinny dipping woman with boobs showing
i got a hangnail hangin from my cuticle
pissin blood in urine
paddle my bum free download
death worm
the most wonderful kind of brassiere
public enemy lyrics stomp a mud hole in your ass
boobs tits melons cans racks
melvin and the chipmunks
taliban on ice
rubber master
brobdingnagian blender
duh duh diarrhea
lederhosen teenager
clips showing little boys being potty trained and going pee

I spy
An infinite supply of passers-by.
They misidentify but come to verify
And clarify.
I'm terrified and horrified,
Yet purified, they glorify
The Ubermind, the great Third Eye.
You want to find
Who, what or why?
JFGI.

im in yur cat
infected hangnail
chester cheese woods
lex luthor raper
lolcats addiction
cause for blown up stomach
buffet design
dr. demento and gonorrhea
chuck norris is a sissy
chicken explosion blood baby monsters
pimple on back that turned black
take maxi pads trash
babaganoosh is in the house
which reo speedwagon song is used in horton hears a who
star trek boxer shorts
galaga ship
aquadots
police nabbed my dad (Video)
sears funny clerk lingerie dept
yuppie bathrooms
dead brain
what is degenerated cell
soviet duck
blood covered boobs
hermione strips
world robot
godzilla sample
snorks theme song
woman knee in the balls
the meaning of miserable
peekin in someones bathroom
fake inflatable breasts (Video)
mild attack of dyslexia
zombie death horde
albino claw footed frog
inflatable love
codeine
superfriends porn
breasts like basketballs
a moose once bit my sister
stupid and loud
hobbit potato (Video)
girls in bikinis getting wedgies
how i got the clap
gallbladder palpitations
how people look like when burned
lettuce worms
piss into his face
be nice to new jersey

don't shoot rob balder (Video)
The last line is a parody of "Don't Talk" as performed by Rob Balder and other members of the FuMP crew.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Which of these disturbed you the most? Which one did you have to check out?

Monday, June 02, 2008

BooksFirst - May 2008


Books Bought

None

Books Read

Funny Boys by Warren Adler
Comrade J by Pete Early

Comments

Both of the books I read this month were impulse check-outs from the local library in the new releases section. The library is a good place to find recent books that may not be getting the front of the store publicity at the local BigBoxOfBooks™.

I picked Funny Boys by Warren Adler because the cover blurb said it was by the writer of The War Of The Roses. While I haven’t seen that movie, I am a fan of dark humor and expected as much from this book. Dark it definitely is, comedy is a little tougher to call. The hero of the book is Mickey Fine, an aspiring Borscht Belt comedian that takes a job as the “tumbler” or social director/master of ceremonies at a Mob-run Catskills resort. The entire cast of Jewish and Italian gangsters talk with accents that would make Damon Runyon wince. Mickey is the jokester that is never short of a sub-Henny Youngman-esque one-liner.

Despite the corny lines, the humor in the book is plenty dark. The gangsters are based on real 1930s thugs and do all the killing, stealing, loan-sharking, and pimping you would expect. The book has a sexual explicitness that would be unheard of in a 50s gangster movie comedy. In the second chapter, Mutzie Feder, the ditzy high-school grad heroine, is brutally deflowered by her mobbed-up boyfriend. And that is just the beginning of her sexual degradation and the hands of the gangsters. That this story has a sweet romantic comedy screwball plot makes these scenes even more jarring.

Overall, I can't recommend this book because of the wildly clashing tones and themes. It aims to be a Pritzi's Honor type of satire, but the level of humor just can't be sustained.

I haven’t been reading that much non-fiction lately, but Citizen J by Pete Early caught my eye because I like true-life stories of espionage. The book details the career of Col. Sergei Tretyakov who was the second highest ranking spy in Russia’s UN delegation before he defected in 2000, long after the Cold War ended. The first part of the book details his rise through the KGB and its successor, the SVR, as a foreign field officer, first in Canada and then in New York.

The book is full of details about the methods of Russian intelligence agencies and how they dupe and trick officials into unwittingly or deliberately passing on classified information. Strobe Talbott, respected Russian expert and Clinton administration official, was a particularly valuable source, if not an actual spy. He also cites the myth of nuclear winter as advocated by Carl Sagan to have been particularly effective Soviet disinformation.

Among the revelations is that at one time two UN ambassadors from former Soviet republics were actually still-active Russian agents or informants. He also documents the way that a Russian SVR officer inside the Iraq Oil For Food program enriched cronies with hundreds of millions of dollars worth of shady deals.

It was the cronyism and kleptocracy of the Yeltsin and Putin eras that drove Tretyakov to betray his country. He was well rewarded for his defection but claims that money was not his motivation. He says he could no longer serve an organization that was so badly pillaging his motherland. A lot of the accusations in the book must be taken with huge blocks of salt because they are basically unverifiable. What can be taken as gospel is the in-fighting and treachery that takes place inside the Russian bureaucracy as they continue to try subvert and disrupt U.S. goals.

While we have declared the Cold War over as we take on The War On Terror, we must remember that we still have enemies elsewhere in the world.