Sunday, October 09, 2005

Hunkiest. Nutjob. Ever.

My wife has enjoyed watching Tom Cruise take his shirt off since All The Right Moves way back in 1983. The volleyball scene in Top Gun has been the cause of more worn out pause buttons than anything this side of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

This week's Entertainment Weekly irn thei Super Special Size Double Photo Issue™, now on sale, runs a remaindered photo of Tom soaking wet which leaves little of his physique to the imagination. My wife duly and respectfully noted that he has managed to stay a pretty fine prime A grade hunk of well muscled beefcake. This is over twenty years after he started out as a dumb but hunky dreamboat teen movie star. Personally, I think he looks like he’s auditioning for wet t-shirt night at the Hippo (just kidding, Mr. Tom’s Lawyer), but I’m not a good judge of these things.

Tom’s management of his career up to now has been astutely calculated to maximize both his box-office clout and serious actor cred. He typically alternates matinee brain candy movies with edgier and more artistic fare. No current actor, other than maybe his War of the Worlds co-star Dakota Fanning, has worked with a wider range of A+ costars and directors. In fact, co-starring with Tom Cruise is a great Oscar-bait tactic, especially since great actors look even more talented in comparison.

Then he fired his long-time publicist and hired his fellow Scientologist sister and the wheels fell of the gravy train. He is not going to be standing in a soup kitchen line anytime soon, but you have to think his latest couch jumping antics have hurt his merchantability. Let’s compare Tom to another well-known hot, but completely nuts, celebrity, Angelia Jolie:

Angelina JolieTom Cruise
Marries costars (Billy Bob Thorton)Marries costars (Nicole Kidman)
Undocumented rumors of flexible sexuality.Legally refuted rumors of flexible sexuality.
Adopts orphaned Africans.Adopts unwanted Floridians.
Kisses her brother.Kisses girls young enough to be his daughter.
Wears vials of blood.Played a vampire.
Looks weird blonde.
Looks great gray.

Tom has vociferously fought any allegations of homosexuality. I have always contended that Nicole Kidman is many things, but a Rock Hudson-era beard is not one of them. The guy just gets too many hot women for to play for the other team.

However, I have always thought his virility may be a little suspect. His first marriage to Mimi Rodgers was childless. Nicole and he adopted two children, proving they did want a family. His sudden and unexpected divorce from her was right around the time that Nicole admitted to miscarrying. I have never heard of any quote specifically naming Tom (or anyone else for that matter) as the father. All these facts would be consistent with a famous defensive and hyper-masculine man that just happens to be shooting blanks.

If, as current celebrity gossip holds, Katie Holmes is pregnant, and the child is born with caterpillar bushy eyebrows and a hawk nose, any rumors of impotence will be thoroughly reputed. It seems like a lot of trouble on his part just to prove a point. I just feel sorry for little Joey Potter and her future child being dragged into this endgame of watching the greatest movie star of our era self-destruct.

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Anonymous said...

Dear God, I hope he either doesn't have any contact with the kid or Katie Holmes has some sense knocked into her and leaves him because this kid will be so psychologically messed up by his whacko Scientology B.S. that the kid will want to shoot himself.(If the kid knows what's good for him.)

utenzi said...

Michele sent me your way, Yellojkt.

I seem to be in the minority these days in that I like Tom Cruise. He's not a great actor though he's pretty good. He's a flake but that's very common in acting circles. He's very good looking, but that's also common in Hollywood. I really don't see why he's singled out for so many people to be annoyed at. Cruise just seems to be very much a normal actor--and an abnormal human. Par for the course in Hollywood.

Tammy said...

LOL...interesting outlook. :)

Thanks for visiting my blog via Michele tonight...I actually did link to some of my clients, it's over in the sidebar...perhaps I should make it more obvious. :)

trusty getto said...

Lowly opinion, flake and all, I'd still take his physique over my own anyday. Any day!

carmilevy said...

I've wondered about him for a long time, but I've always assumed he's simply a creation of Hollywood. There's definitely something in the water there, otherwise so many of its denizens wouldn't end up so absolutely freaked.

Then again, one can also view this as simply another masterfully conceived and executed PR campaign. In which case, his sister is a genius.

Heaven help us all.

Back from Michele's this morning. Thanks for the great overview.

Suburban Turmoil said...

You know, I really don't care to know about Tom's personal life. He is EYE CANDY and a decent actor. Like Julia Robers and Tom Hanks, you can bet that any movie he's in will at least be watchable. Everything else is irrelevant.

Don't you think?

I get so sick of actors forcing their personal lives and views on us.

Bonvallet said...

I feel kind of sorry for Tom. He's just a little guy trying to be big. Nicole was too much to handle for his ego so he had to refresh with one of his fans.

I tried watching "Lara Croft Tomb Raider" but Angelena always had her mouth opened! She never closed it and that bugged me.

paula said...






Anonymous said...

"In fact, co-starring with Tom Cruise is a great Oscar-bait tactic, especially since great actors look even more talented in comparison." Made me freaking die laughing!

OK, about the baby thing: I agree. Nicole has a miscarriage, and then all Tom will say about the breakup is "Nicole knows why", suggesting that he's impotent and her pregnancy is proof she cheated on him. So, if Katie is pregant now and if it is Tom's kid (poor little ball of humanity), then I want to know the name of his incredibly talented fertility specialist! Boy, I would really love to know the truth behind that one.

And if Katie is pregnant, then I really hope for her sake that she doesn't suffer from postpartum depression... though I would think being with Tom would be enough to give any woman pre, during and post-partum depression!