Friday, August 31, 2007

Is Your Congressman Gay?

Matthew Kayser has written a practical article for wives concerned about their husband’s sexual orientation. He has come up with five signs to help out the curious spouse. Some tips like he “consistently viewed homosexual pornography” are particularly good, but some are a little vaguer.

Less than half the population has a husband, but we all have elected representatives and a surprisingly large number of them have turned out to be gay. Normally, I don’t advocate the outing of closeted celebrities, but politicians have power over our private lives and full disclosure would be helpful in making voting decisions.

Some politicians are loudly and proudly gay or lesbian. Others don’t disclose their sexuality because it may look bad as they vote for or against legislation that affects fellow gay Americans. As a public service, I have come up with some warning signs based on case history. So here are my six signs that your congressman (or governor or assemblyman) MIGHT be gay.

He gives money to someone in a public restroom. Very few legitimate financial transactions take place near toilets. While it is called filthy lucre, that is usually just a metaphor. Florida state representative Bob Allen allegedly included an offer for oral sex with his cash transaction. He has had several explanations about how this might appear gay, but really isn’t. I’m going to stay skeptical.

His boyfriend runs a call-boy ring out of the house. There are gay politicians on both sides of the aisles, but for some reason the threshold level for scandal for gay Democrats is higher. Barney Frank’s poor choice of boyfriends caused him some bad publicity at the time, but the voters seem to have forgiven him.

He has hot chats with teenage guys. Usually, straight elected representatives have very little reason to exchange masturbation technique tips with high school kids. Mark Foley was a little unclear on crossing this line until the parents of the kid came forward. Hopefully he has figured this out now.

He admits to having sex with a page. An even stronger sign would be if he admits to having sex with a male teenage page. Gerry Studds admitted to such an affair and was re-elected six more times.

He has an affair with his homeland security advisor. Even an affair with another grown adult could come to light like it did with New Jersey governor Jim McGreevy. While he eventually announced that he is a “gay American”, some people refuse to believe him.

He goes on television to announce that “I am not gay. I never have been gay.” Most revelations of your sexual orientation tend to be more private and usually clear up any misunderstanding pretty quickly. If, like Senator Larry Craig, you have to drag your poor wife onto a podium in front of television cameras to declare your relentless heterosexuality, some may feel you doth protest too much.

While these tips may not be all encompassing, they are important clues. What you do with this information is up to your personal political views. And if your elected official is spending a lot of time in airport bathrooms, he might not be gay. It could just be a bad prostate. Either way it’s a warning sign.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Any other indicators?


Cham said...

I would bet my life savings that our esteemed US Senator is gay, but she isn't spending much time in airport restrooms mainly because she probably won't fit into one. But then again, she doesn't spend much time holding press conferences explaining that she isn't gay either. We don't ask and she doesn't tell, and Marylanders all seem fine with it. Craig could learn a lesson here.

yellojkt said...

Babs is SO unsexy to me that I really don't care to know one way or another.

Cham said...

But then again, Babs rules her roost in the richest state in the country. Perhaps if Craig bothered to do his job and had turned Idaho into something worthwhile instead of the 2-bit backwater white trash infested mess that it is nobody would care what he did in an airport restroom.

Stella Dean said...

constant reminders that he is not gay, has not been gay and will never be gay.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Im thinking that vest in the picture would have the gay community kicking him out.

2fs said...

Loudly and repeatedly claiming that God hates gays, or that gays shouldn't have "special rights," or that "homosexuals" are disgusting. Just like all those preachers fulminating day after day about the evils of sex and sin...who end up getting caught giving some trailer-park prostitute a faceful of holy spirit: a big round of protesteth-too-much.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

I could care less if anyone is gay or not. I just don't like hypocrites.

Anonymous said...

Another sign: Look in his mouth. If there's a penis there, then he may be gay.

I'm with Jeff, though. It's the hypocrisy that gets me.

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