Sunday, March 25, 2007

NCCCC: Hottest CILF Soap Division

We now move to one of the most anticipated divisions of the National Coolest Comic Character Competition. Soap opera strips have an advantage over humor strips in that their female characters can be drawn much more realistically. And by “realistic” I mean “just like the cover of a 1950s romance comic book cover.” The soap strips can really manipulate the perspective and action to play up the female characters best, er, assets. Let's take a closer look.

Abbey Spenser
Judge Parker

Pro: Abbey Spenser is an independently wealthy redhead that serves as Sam Driver’s beard. Pouty-lipped and prone to cleavage revealing blouses, she is always the focus of attention. And who out there hasn’t had a Abbey/Neddie tag-team fantasy? Just me?
Con: The adopted kids are a real wet blanket, especially since they are prone to bust in at the most inopportune times.
June Morgan
Rex Morgan, MD

Pro: Another hot woman married to a helpless closet case. June Of The Rack has become so sexually frustrated, she has taken to picking up street urchins to have her “garage cleaned.”Con: Unless you like them a little on the dim side, it doesn’t help that the dog is the genius in the household.
Brenda Starr
Brenda Starr

Pro: Brenda is a star! At least of her own comic strip. Most other soap strip hot women (with the exception of Mary Worth) are supporting characters. She is a wild unattached professional woman with a penchant for getting tied up.Con: Not getting any younger. A lot of Miss Clairol must be keeping the tresses fiery.
Margo Magee
Apartment 3G

Pro: Sure, LuAnn is the cute ditzy one and Tommie is the under appreciated wallflower, but it’s Margo that ignites the passion. She may be a super-bitch, but that must just make her wilder if you can get in her good graces.Con: A relationship with Margo won't end well. She WILL turn on you eventually.
Liz Patterson
For Better Or For Worse

Pro: I don’t know about comic readers, but Liz’s milkshake sure brings foob characters to the yard. The inexplicable allure of Liz has been baffling me and others for years now. I’m putting her in the Soap Division because her story is played for drama and she is drawn increasingly realistic, wide-load butt, puffy lips and all.Con: You just KNOW she is ending up with Anthony and do you really want those kind of sloppy seconds?

‘Fess up and vote and leave fantasy scenarios in the comments.

Update (7:00 p.m.): In the comments, Josh (THE Comics Curmudgeon) suggested that I was sandbagging June and Abbey by using unflattering pictures of them. The original pictures came off the official websites of their strip. When I got to Brenda Starr, the official picture was so hideous, I went to the strips themselves for the other three finalists.

In fairness, I have added extra pictures to each character, one "official" one and a recent clip from the newspaper. I even threw in an extra one of Abbey's tush. The one of Liz is particularly frumpy and is a serious downgrade from the picture of her sitting on a teacher desk in a short skirt and swinging her legs that used to grace her official site.

Besides, I'm sure nobody was judging these characters solely on physical attractiveness and were dilligently evaluating poise, intelligence, and personality as well. Right?


Anonymous said...

Apparently I'm the first one in, but something may be wrong. I voted for Brenda Starr and the results popped up all zeroes and one vote for "write-in."

Granted, she's really from the Zombie Division but she's actually drawn a little hotter than when I was a kid. And yeah, I read it even as a kid. Shut up.

Anonymous said...

Jeez, yello, way to stack the deck against June and Abbey by using some outdated pics of them. Here's some better ones:

I voted for Margo, though.


Anonymous said...

This time, I'm going to have to go for a write-in: Diana Walker*. Unlike just about all of the candidates, she's smart and she isn't afraid to show a little skin. Remember when she and O'Ghost were hot tubbing in the volcanic hot springs? OK, she seems to like her men overly muscled and in stripy-butt spandex, but for someone who's forced to live in a cave in the middle of nowhere, I think an air-conditioned, bug-free room with room service instead of fire plug shaped native helpers would be quite a turn-on. The gifts of civilization are like an aphrodisiac for those forced to live in the jungle.**

(*For the ghost who walks)
(**Old jungle saying.)

I agree with Josh about the pictures of Abbey and June. The current artists draw both of them hotter. Also, with the exception of Liz, all of these are zombies, so a few minus points there.

The Pareto Abbey would be my other choice. She's also filthy rich. But, she isn't really the sharpest knife in the drawer and she might be a little too desperate.

June has too much of a dominatrix vibe going, for my tastes. Also, she may be a little too well-endowed. You could put your eye out.

Brenda Starr, I'm not really familiar with, but she gets herself into too much trouble.

Margo is, well, absolutely Margoing batshit. Who needs that kind of grief?

I stand by my comments regarding Liz Patterson in the previous division. Once upon a time, she had it, but she has turned into an utter loser. I do contest her presence here, though. Her strip is (ostensibly) funny and her story is played for stupid (and lately racist) puns, just as much as it is for drama.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

I'm going to go ahead and lurk my way through your comics stuff. I don't even buy the newspaper (I read it online) so the last time I read a printed comic was sometime back in the 1900's. Still enjoying your commentary though!

yellojkt said...

Your comments have been the best and most valuable of all the ones I have gotten. Diane Walker didn't make the cut because too few of the storylines ever involve her. I did appreciate the hot tub cameo.

Cherry Trail also missed out by the same criteria.

I wasn't going to include any Pattersons in the NCCCC since I have done tons of posts about the foobs already, but there was a lot of pressure to include them.

That's why I am putting in non-comic content during the week. There will be three more posts in the NCCCC and I will lay off comics for a while until the Foobapocolypse.

Anonymous said...

I must go with the 'new' June. Uncle Lumpy noted at CC that June looks like a 'Patrick Nagle in Playboy' woman, and I have too many... uh... associations... with that art to ever stray to even the horsey haunches of Abbey Spencer.

Anonymous said...

Actually yello, someone else you might have included was MJ Parker. Heck lately Spidey has lost control of his strip completely. Now it alternates between MJ and JJJ.

Anonymous said...

I would nominate Mimi Thorp, but like all characters in Gil Thorp, she appears different from panel to panel. But if you were to judge her on this panel alone, she deserves a few votes at least...

Mooselet said...

I'm going with Margo here. Redheads leave me cold, so no Abbey or Brenda. Also all I can recall about Brenda is that awful movie version with Brooke Shields, so no.

June's rack is impressive, but there must be a brain/boob ratio I'm not aware of in comics land. And as for Mrs. Pornstache-to-be Liz... just look at her mother to see how she'll turn out in 10 years. Eeeeekkkkk.

Margo may be freakin' insane, and she'd hack your goodies off with a blunt knife if you tried to end it, but it only adds to the allure of danger and hotness. Plus look at her mother - damn fine for her age.

Anonymous said...

If you refer to your DSM-IV, you'll see that Margo has hit Cluster B like a Chinese buffet: Big heaping plates of narcissistic and histrionic personality with some borderline for dessert and just a touch of antisocial for spice. It's fine if you like that sort of thing, but a scheming screaming emasculating nutcase doesn't light my fire. I must be getting old.

Mike Podgor said...

Neddie Spencer. She can't be jailbait, because she's in college or something.

I think.

Anonymous said...

Well, once again I side with D-X and have to weigh in with a write-in for Diana Walker.

However, in terms of sheer CILF-ness MJ Parker would be very high on my list. She has an impressive enough rack and looks mighty fine in her pjs/negligees.

Anonymous said...

I went with Margo, but I wonder if it was in the spirit of the question.

The trend in soap opera strips has been away from art that is... well, attractive in any way. The new guys on Judge Parker and Rex Morgan are an anomaly, and while I would like to see good, acceptable art become the standard, I'm not sure it'll happen.

I just don't feel like Abbey and June have much going for them outside of looks, whereas Margo is always fun to read about.

On the other hand, she might grate on the nerves a bit if you actually had to be in a relationship with her.

Anonymous said...

I vote for Neddie. Does that make me a perv?

Anonymous said...

Spider-man's wife, Maryjane. The strip is an "action" comic but definitley more "soap" than "funny".

Anonymous said...

I think you guys are missing the boat. A lot of those nominated or voted on are nothing more than real live women in caricature form. Or at least seem to be.
My vote is for Janis of "Arlo and Janis". That strip is borderline extra spicy sometimes. And they couple often depicts real life sexual issues.

Some Guy Here said...

I vote for Cassandra Cat. Slylock Fox is a soap strip, right?

August said...

It won't work in actual fact, that is exactly what I suppose.
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