Thursday, January 31, 2008

Heeere's Johnny!


I had so much fun with the Rock Album meme that I went ahead and mocked up another album cover, just not a random one. Back in high school while bored in Calculus, I made up the lamest possible name for a punk band ever, Johnny Derivative and the Indefinite Integrals. For years I have imagined the exploits of this imaginary group of nerdcore musicians. Guys who put the "rock" into "rocket scientist." And the ultimate album name for them would be The Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.


I’ve vacillated on what the stage image should be. Sometimes I think they should be clad in leather jackets with black plastic glasses, like The Ramones meet Devo. Other times I feel they should go for the skinny tie hipster look like The Specials. Either way, they would have a great playlist of math inspired songs:
  1. Rise Over Run
  2. As Epsilon Goes To Zero
  3. ∫ex=f(un)
  4. Unit Circle Run Around
  5. Points of Inflection
  6. Square Root of i
  7. Leibnitz Was A Loser
  8. Plus A Constant
  9. Un-Normal Distribution
  10. Kiss My Asymptote
  11. Imaginary Numbers (Never Let You Down)
  12. Velocity, Acceleration, Jerk

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Think of more song titles. Better yet, come up with lyrics for some of these.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Plagiarism Police: Savage Sex Stealing


It’s been a long time since I did a Plagiarism Watch, but this story is an excuse to download the accompanying prurient image. The New York Press, a weekly alternative newspaper that is the lamer rival to the famed Village Voice had to fire it’s latest sex advice columnist. It seems that instead of soliciting letters from hapless folk on the web that seem only too eager to air dirty linen, she stole old letters from Dan Savage’s "Savage Love" column. If you are going to steal, be a little more discrete. This is like submitting a John Updike story to the New Yorker. You are going to get caught. See if you can notice the similarities (and see Jezebel for longer quotes):

New York Press, 2007
I'm beginning to be weirded out by her relationship with her brother. They're always touching in each other. Then, one day, I come home and my girlfriend is in her brother's arms on the couch. As soon as I walked in the door, they jumped up, and I saw a clear view of the outline of his boner. They both looked guilty.
Dan Savage in 2006
Two weeks ago I came home and found my girlfriend in her brother's arms on the couch. They freaked at my sudden arrival and jumped up, providing me with a clear view of the outline of the boner in his pants. Guilt was on their faces.
This is a clear case of someone trying to get away with Plagiarism Excuse® #7 (I didn’t copy. I changed a bunch of words.) but the official excuse was closer to #5 (It was a youthful indiscretion.):
She has told us she was unaware that using questions from Savage's column was a breach of journalism ethics. She has offered her resignation, and we've accepted it. We apologize to our readers, and to Dan Savage, for this error in judgment.
In his podcast, Savage Lovecast, Dan has said that one of the most common questions he gets is “How do I get your job?” His answer is to not bother. There is only one of him and he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. Out of context that sounds incredibly arrogant, but the germ of truth is that the alt-weekly sex column niche is pretty narrow and if you are going to compete with the market leader, you need to find a better gimmick than just rewriting letters about siblings that are a little too close and the sterility of urine. Dan has officially stayed classy, but he can afford to. In an e-mail to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, he says it doesn't quite rise to the level of plagiarism:
"I don't think she did this on purpose," Savage wrote in an e-mail Thursday. "The borrowing was an accident, not malicious, and doesn't rise to the level of plagiarism, in my opinion. She could've avoided this ... if she'd said, 'I don't have any letters yet, so here are some I swiped from 'Savage Love.'' And I would've given her my permission to use 'em."
Now the Press is taking open auditions for their smut advice writer. If I knew it was that easy, I would have gotten into the sex columnist business. Any questions?

Monday, January 28, 2008

Nutjobs and NaJuReMoNoMo


Way back in October of 2005 I named a certain Scientologist movie star Hunkiest. Nutjob. Ever. Since then he has done everything possible to cement his crown. I have long spun an elaborate theory that the break-up between him and a certain redheaded Australian was due to her infidelity being discovered as a result of her pregnancy not being his since he was impotent. This theory refuses to die and was recently rehashed complete with a not entirely convincing timeline and official denials in Defamer.

A side conspiracy theory of mine implies that the child of his with his current starlet wife is not his own and is part of a cover-up when she needed to protect her squeaky clean image and he could use some positive publicity as cover. Now a new book is out alleging things that even my imagination is too tame to invent. Let’s just say that L. Ron Hubbard lives. Why have I written this without naming said nutjob? Because Scientologists are not just nuts, they are highly litigious. I guarantee I will receive at least one comment accusing me of religious intolerance for besmirching such a noble respected religious institution.

NaJuReMoNoMoThe parody newspaper of record, The Onion, has inadvertently commemorated National Just Read More Novels Month with this article (ht to kb) about a town upset at the oddball behavior of one of its inhabitants. He read a book. If you want to be among the many, many winners of NaJuReMoNoMo, you only have four more days left to get that novel read. I’m going to be combing through the comments, e-mail, and Google Alerts for as full a list as I can. I know that Marg and raidergirl are two of the many participants closing in on the coveted Gold Badge.

And for the record, while Dianetics is a complete work of fiction by a second rate hack, it does not count as a novel for NaJuReMoNoMo.

BlatantCommentWhoring™:: Does the couch jumping lunatic hurt or help himself with his constant libel lawsuits?

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Zoey Zingers


Jamie Lynn Spears is still pregnant. Since her big announcement she has been playing things suspiciously sensibly. She was seen with a GED study guide so that she has a diploma to fall back on when the whole tween role model gig falls apart. She also announced that her mom will be getting custody of her child so that she can carry on with her TV career. This is actually a rather common coping strategy in these cases. I know of several families where kids that are presented as siblings are really parent/child. My only concern is that Mama Spears doesn’t exactly have a great track record in raising normal stable children.

New episodes of Zoey 101 start on Sunday and I’ve invented a new viewing game. After every line of dialog add the phrase “because I’m pregnant” Rocky Horror style. I tested this gimmick on a few reruns and the results can be hilarious, well modestly amusing:

I don’t want to be class president...because I'm pregnant.

So you think you can beat me...because I'm pregnant.

I don’t want this to affect our friendship...because I'm pregnant.

No I’m trying to be good...because I'm pregnant.

You’re in trouble...because I'm pregnant.

Everybody thinks I made it...because I'm pregnant.

I’m not eating raw fish in a closet...because I'm pregnant.

This whole week I’ve been getting mad at you but its all Logan’s fault...because I'm pregnant.

Maybe I did in the past, but I’m not going to anymore...because I'm pregnant.

I thought you might be a little depressed...because I'm pregnant.

Stop acting like a freak right now...because I'm pregnant.

He and I are boyfriend and girlfriend...because I'm pregnant.

We can’t help that we’re in love...because I'm pregnant.

Just kiss me like you always do...because I'm pregnant.

It worked out. Just not like I planned...because I'm pregnant.
Give it a try if you can find Nick on your channel line-up and can stomach the view of a Spears emoting.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Is the Jamie Lynn Spears situation merely schadenfreudistically tragic or Rock Hudson/Doris Day level ironic?

Friday, January 25, 2008

Cheers For Cheerwine


I love exotic soft drinks. Anytime I’m in a new region or at a specialty grocery store, I am drawn to the off-beat flavors and brands. Sodas are a very regional thing. Even the generic name that soft drinks go by varies across the country. This map shows the variation by term across the United States.


Click on image for full map and web page.

My favorite soft drink of all time is Cheerwine, a cherry flavored carbonated drink available only in certain parts of the Carolinas. Anytime we drive south I make sure there is enough room in the trunk for a case or two of Cheerwine (and its lemon-lime cousin Sundrop) in the trunk. Even being in the Carolinas is no guarantee that it can me found. More than once we have dashed into a Piggly Wiggly and found only one lonely box sitting on a bottom shelf.

The other day I was driving home from a meeting along US 15 from Leesburg to Great Falls and stopped in a little independently owned Qwikie Mart type place to get a Dr Pepper or Cherry Coke or, as a last resort, a Wild Cherry Pepsi. Instead I found a row of Cheerwines in the drink case. And not just any Cheerwines, bottled Cheerwines. I bought two to have one to drink and one to save. It was heaven. I got home and took the picture of the remaining one you see here. I put in back in the refrigerator, but when my son got home he saw it and claimed dibs. I told him it was mine, but he saw the empty bottle and said that I already had mine.

He inherited my taste for sodas and for awhile was picking up Jones Sodas whenever he was in the grocery store. Jones comes in a wide variety of flavors and one of the features that make it a premium brand is that it uses cane sugar as a sweetener instead of high fructose corn syrup. Low and behold, on the side of the Cheerwine bottle was a declaration that it too used cane sugar.



I was living in Atlanta when the New Coke debacle took place. The City Too Busy Too Hate sure found time to show some animosity towards the company whose headquarters overlooked the campus. Some people claim that New Coke was a trick to drum up publicity, but there was no way anybody could be that clever. When Coke Classic came back, eventually to drive New Coke completely off the market, there was much rejoicing but purists noticed one difference: Coke was now made with HFCS instead of sugar.

I don’t know enough to prove it one way or another, but plenty of people point to the domination of HFCS in the drink market as a causal relationship with our nation’s obesity epidemic. The super-sized fast food meal may also share some blame, but I can’t help but think that the cloyingly sweet corn-syruped soft drinks have a role.

You can still find Coke with real sugar. The kosher variety is still made that way. My wife swears she could taste the difference when we were in China. My tastebuds aren’t that refined, but I like to know when I have The Real Thing.

In the meantime, that last bottle of Cheerwine is still in the icebox and if my son isn’t careful it may disappear one evening.
Cheerwine
BlatantCommentWhoring™: What is your favorite soda?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Rock Album Meme

Updated (2/29/08): I have removed the album image at the request of the copyright holder.
Updated (2/29/08): The image has been restored and is being used with the permission of the copyright holder for this post only. No further reproduction is authorized.

I haven't done a meme in a long time because I got tired of answering endless lists of pointless questions. Dave of Blogography hates lame memes too, so when he does one, it's usually first quality. Earlier this week he did one that had a strong creative element but still within the skilz level of a l@m3r like me. Dave did a great set of directions, but I will try to explain as well.

1. Pick a band name by visiting a random Wikipedia page. My band is New Jersey Route 164. At first I was ready to pick another, but then I decided there was a certain Springsteenesque cachet to being named after an obscure road. Plus it comes with it's own built in logo. There is also some sort of karmic significance that Route 164 is now Dowd Avenue, which is right by Newark Airport where my son's marching band stayed last spring. The coincidence is now seeming kind of mysterious. I do worry about what WikiGnome decided all the highways in Joisey were WikiWorthy while Josh Fruhlinger gets dumped.

2. Name your album by going to this random quote page. Take the LAST quote on the page and select the last four words of that quote. My full quote is:

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
- G. K. Chesterton
English author & mystery novelist (1874 - 1936)

So the name of the album is The Subject of Cheese, thus making a liar of Chesterton.

3. The album cover art is the THIRD image on the random Flickr page. My image comes from Roland Lacson a/k/a rlphotography who has many wonderful beautiful photographs. Then I ran the whole thing through Photoshop Elements, picked some fonts and came up with this album cover mock-up:


Image rights reserved. Do not reproduce without permission.

I feel a few qualms using a copyrighted picture on my faux album cover, but since I'm not a real rock band, maybe I can get away with it.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Play along either in the comments or on your blog. Pasting up the actual cover is optional.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Battle Of The Box Sets


With no end in sight to the end of the writer’s strike and new scripted shows drying up, I am looking at the winter as a golden opportunity to catch up on DVD series that I own but have never bothered to watch. I buy them on a whim or as a thinly veiled gifts to other family members. The list of shows I own is a little bit eclectic so let us review the choices.

Firefly
I rolled my eyes at this show’s concept of a western in space as hopelessly lame, but it turns out to be one of the best shows to never last more than a season, and I’m am mighty familiar with those. I pulled this out the other night because of 57 Channels And Nothing On Syndrome and watched the episode where Saffron comes back and Mel ends up naked in the desert. I have made it through all but Disc 4 of this show and only have three more episodes to watch.

Freaks and Geeks
I watched this show religiously when it first came out because it was practically a fly on the wall biography of my high school years. Seth Rogen has gone on from this show to become the featured member of the Apatow players. Many of the other cast members have also gone on to bigger and better things, making a reunion show less and less likely. The only episodes I missed were a few near the end of the series that were burned off after the show had been cancelled.

WKRP In Cincinnati – Season 1
A landmark show that has only gotten better with age. The epic flying turkey show is episode seven. The show had a fantastic ensemble that played of each other brilliantly. Most people loved Lonnie Anderson, but I had an enormous crush on Bailey. And Johnny Fever was every sixties relic hero.

Remington Steele – Season 1
Before there was Moonlighting, Remington Steele paved the way in the sub genre of mystery shows where the actual crimes were secondary to the will-they-or-won’t-they chemistry of the stars. Season One was the best because they still bothered to put in clever movie allusions into the plot. By the end of the series without the original creators, the show had devolved into lame clichés.

Best Of The Original Avengers
I’m ashamed to admit that I have never seen a episode of this classic series. Clearly an oversight I need to fix. This collection has six vintage episodes, but only one or two feature Emma Peel, so it might be disappointing.


So help me pick my writer’s strike survival kit by voting for the show I should watch first. Or write in your favorite show that I should go out and buy. And you can vote for more than one if you want.










BlatantCommentWhoring™: Lobby for your vote or write-in.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Hillary's P.C. Pit Bulls


There is a website out there with the innocuous name of Media Matters that has the following mission statement:
Media Matters for America is a Web-based, not-for-profit, 501(c)(3) progressive research and information center dedicated to comprehensively monitoring, analyzing, and correcting conservative misinformation in the U.S. media.
While that seems like a valuable service, in reality it serves as a water carrier for Hillary Clinton and attempts to silence criticism of her with harsh and casual accusations of sexism. They have become a hotbed of the umbrage industry. No remark is too slight or innocuous to incur their wrath.

Joel Achenbach, a journalist, blogger, and erstwhile humor columnist, had been covering the Clinton campaign when he came up with this observation about her speaking style:
Clinton fought back, but she needs a radio-controlled shock collar so that aides can zap her when she starts to get screechy. She came perilously close to going on a tirade. Volume is critical in these things: Ask Howard Dean.
It seems like a mildy humorous take on a frequent observation about Hillary’s triangulation on the right mix of wonkery and folksiness in her campaign appearances. Media Matters took it another way:
As Media Matters for America has documented…, the media have frequently attacked Clinton for the tone and volume of her voice or laugh. Most recently, following Clinton's appearance on all five Sunday political talk shows on September 23, 2007, the media latched onto Clinton's purported "cackle."
Now Joel never used the word “cackle” or even referred to a laugh, but he is now tarred with the same broad brush that Media Matters has used on a half-dozen other commentators that have noticed something off-putting about Hillary’s tone. While Media Matters did not directly accuse Acehnbach of thought-crime, their stories tend to get picked up by more strident sites with fewer qualms about mudslinging. Feministing, without the benefit of ever reading anything else by Joel in context, said:
Thanks Joel, for doing the work of marking yourself as a misogynist so I now know never to read anything else you write. Shameful.
The remark even got a Malkin Award nomination from Andrew Sullivan, who is normally in favor of Hillary bashing. In all, nearly two dozen blog posts were made as a result of the original Media Matters post, some extremely vitriolic and one Spinal Tap parody that was pretty funny.

In addition to their website, Media Matters runs e-mail campaigns to have subscribers register protests against the employers of public figures they have singled out for action. I don’t know if such a notice went to Joel’s higher-ups, but a few days later he published an apology that has the most obsequious groveling since E. G. Marshall knelt before Zod:
…a single sentence has escaped the confines of the A-blog and gamboled across blogworld like a streaker at the Super Bowl. It was that rather ungentlemanly comment about Hillary at the debate. I won't bother with excuses and context: That one kind of got away from me. Shoulda hit the backspace the moment I typed it. [Was I channeling Mailer???] Regular readers here know that I am not a proponent of coarse, sexist, piggy, knuckle-dragging discourse, especially given my vulnerable personal situation as the lone male in a tribe of Amazons. I think anyone reading this blog also knows that I've praised Sen. Clinton repeatedly over the past year … for running an effective and disciplined campaign (to the point of being accused of being in the tank for her).
It is exactly that discipline that the Hillary campaign is exhibiting. Nobody, no matter how reliably liberal is allowed to go off-message. Achenbach’s 0ne-eighty was just a warm-up for the pressure Media Matters put on a bigger fish, Chris Matthews. Matthews is an Irish Catholic blowhard that revels in his candor and frankness. So of all the senseless off-the-cuff tirades he has made, what remark was the final straw in the minds of Media Matters?
"[T]he reason she's a U.S. senator, the reason she's a candidate for president, the reason she may be a front-runner is her husband messed around."
This is not a unique opinion. In Are Men Necessary?, Maureen Dowd says:
Absent her husband’s strengths, Hillary never would have been First Lady. Absent her husband’s weaknesses, she never would have been the Senator from New York. She owes her election, in part, to Monica.
But by attacking Hillary, Matthews opens himself up for the full political colonoscopy. Media Matters took the Chris Matthews oeuvre and searched for every word and phrase with a feminine and/or derogatory implication and began a high-level campaign to silence him. On January 11th, the site ran seven articles related to Matthews and issued one of their e-mail alerts to have subscribers pressure MSNBC.

As I’ve demonstrated, a single Media Matters article is chum in the waters of the blogosphere. A dozen articles in a few days ignites a feeding frenzy. After a week of fanning the flames with updates, the next e-mail alert is aimed at Steve Capus, president of NBC News. In it, they threaten the spectre of Imus and like all good shakedown artists, only hint at the consequences of not complying:
Mr. Capus, during the controversy last spring surrounding Don Imus' racist and sexist remarks broadcast on MSNBC -- remarks first documented by Media Matters -- we commended your acknowledgement that NBC has a responsibility to protect the network's trusted reputation for fair and equal coverage and to "continue the dialogue about what is appropriate conduct and speech" on its air. In the case of Chris Matthews, I implore you to once again consider the gravity of that responsibility.
That night Matthews goes on his Hardball show and makes a five-minute apology of sorts. Even this pound of flesh does not assuage the group. In the e-mail after that mea culpa, they send out another message and warn:
Again, thank you for your continued support; we've only just begun to play "hardball."
And they mean it. The next day another e-mail rehashes every prior accusation and then lists the people that have expressed public support for Matthews including Joe Scarborough, David Shuster, and Tucker Carlson, trotting out allegedly misogynist and sexist remarks each of them have made. They even take to task Mika Brzezinski for suggesting that in some cases Matthews may have been quoted out of context.

By making Matthews kowtow, they have started a witch hunt. Or at least a hunt for people that have ever called Hillary a witch. They know that if they can’t win the war of ideas, they can silence their opponents with accusations of (age/sex/race)-ism in order to disgrace even the mildest critics of their sacred cows. And as history has proven again and again, once a reign of terror begins, no one is safe. This is watchdog group that needs a muzzle. Or a shock collar.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Were Achenbach or Matthews over the line, or is this a case of intimidation?