Best Of 2008

The past couple of years I have been doing semi-annual collections of my best posts (which is like picking the fastest turtle). Since I missed the one in June this year, I am doing a double sized year-end Best Of. And what a year it has been.

Travel

I like to travel and travel makes for good blogging material. When I went to England on my son’s Spring Break trip, I managed to blog every day for a week. Here all my London related posts in one place.

Our big summer vacation was to Cape Cod, which is not far from Mianus. There we hunted lighthouses both on the Cape and on Marthas Vineyard.

And for Thanksgiving we tagged along with our son so we could see him march in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

But you can be a tourist in your own town and I heartily greeted the opening of our newest, decades in the planning, fantastic tourist attraction on the Inner Harbor waterfront: The Baltimore Visitors Center.

Politics

This election year was one of the most discussed ones ever. The few times I treaded into the waters of political satire were a mixed bag. Some posts were duds, but among the better ones were my Candidate Comparison Guide and my career counseling for Sarah Palin.

Personal Experience

Part of my reasoning for a blog is to relay events and experiences that are unique to me. Otherwise you’d just read the blog of somebody wittier and smarter than me. This year I stalked Maureen Dowd and shook hands with George Snuffleupagus. I also showed some Chinese educators who has the best mussels.

Comics

Comics are and always will be a recurring toping here at Foma*. This year we got a little metaphysical and explained why Gene Weingarten is an asshat. The annual National Crappy Comics Competition was as popular ever. And I continued to show why I am the Mel to Francesco Marciuliano’s Flight of the Conchords by hosting the Sally Forth Expo as well as sitting on the casting couch. Expect more Forth frivolity in the future.

Pop Culture

I’m got into this whole random pop philosophy game with my three part essay on the Barack Generation (which I tagged as the Tail Boomers) including the handy-dandy identification chart. I think I have a knack for this. I can’t do any worse than Jonathan Pontell.

Silliness

Finally, sometimes its just fun to do something frivolous (and by the way, you really should check out Mianus) and goof-around like with my tribute to Cheerwine or my uniquely spelled campaign to Frii the Miis.

I want to thank everybody for putting up with me for another year. Tomorrow we will review more of the year past and look ahead to next year.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: As is tradition on my Best Of posts, please feel free to link to your favorite post on your blog.

Ten Things I Learned About The Macy's Parade

1. The marching bands have dress rehearsal at 3 in the morning.
I wanted to catch my son as they marched past the Macy’s, but I overslept and didn’t get down until Herald Square until quarter til four. I did catch the last few bands doing their final walk-throughs. Even then the streets were blocked off so much that the best view was at the corner of 33rd and Broadway as the bands turned the corner from their performance.

2. They take down all the lamp posts and traffic lights in Times Square for the parade.
A giant fleet of utility trucks comes through and removes anything a balloon could get snagged on. They lift them up to cranes and lower them onto trucks for safekeeping. Then after the parade, they come back and put them all back up again.

3. Everybody wants to see the parade, but some people have better connections than others.
A great place to see the parade struck me as being at Columbus Circle. But the sidewalks at 2 Columbus Circle where the parade turns from West Central Park onto Broadway was completely blocked off by police barricades. You had to show some secret pass to even be let into this particular area. The statue of Columbus in the circle named after him had a viewing platform built around it. The only people allowed on that platform arrived in police SUVs and were escorted by cops that seemed to be on a first name basis with the VIPs.

4. It’s really hard to take good pictures of people marching in the parade.
Unless you pick your spot on the sidewalk at 4:30 in the morning, You run the risk of being three to four people back and unless you have unusually steady posture, the surging and pushing of the crowd behind you will jiggle any image you try to take.

5. There are rude people in the crowds.
Down in the crowd some loud mouthed obnoxious New Yohka pushed herself and her son to the front of the crowd in front of people that had been there for hours. When they complained, she threatened to call the cops. After a few minutes, she decided the view wasn’t good enough, so she shoved her way out to the back of the crowd.

6. There are rude people overlooking the parade.
At our hotel brunch, the people with tables right at the window had the best views but they were very accommodating of people wanting to stand between the tables to see the street below. The littlier kids were being allowed to sit on the fairly wide ledge between the tables so they could watch the whole parade. One guy, taking a cue from his grandkids, climbed up on the window ledge and sat there with his legs stretched out. Only the place he picked was in front of a table of complete strangers. This eventually annoyed the people whose table was next to his feet, but he wouldn’t budge. It took three hotel staff members to convince him to climb out of the window and stand around the window like everybody else.

7. The balloons are HUGE.
No matter how bad your view in the crowd is, you can see these floating characters from anywhere. From a third floor window these balloons were frightening. Some of the bigger ones were Shrek, Buzz Lightyear, and inexplicably, Beethoven the Saint Bernard.

8. The celebrities are there for the TV cameras.
While they do ride the floats for the whole parade, all the regular parade watchers are going to see is someone bundled up in an overcoat waving. I had no idea that the person in the white jacket on the M&M Broadway themed float was Idina Menzel, aka the green witch from Wicked.

9. The pacing of the parade is very erratic.
Near the beginning, the floats just whiz by and the balloon wranglers seem to be going at a quick jog. Later, as the queue at Herald Square backs up, the bands will have to march in place for minutes at a time before moving up. Since our son was in the second band, he raced down the street. If he had been with the James Madison University Marching Royal Dukes, we would have had time to go down and have a chat with him.

10. Everybody has to see Santa and he is worth the wait.
After two hours of bands and floats and baton twirlers passing by, even the most jaded bruncher had to go to the window to see Santa. His snow goose throne is “pulled” by some gorgeously sculpted reindeer. And Santa himself is everything you expect him to be.

You can get a better look at any picture by clicking on it or check out the Flickr set for even more photos.

Frii The Miis

Our family used to have a Wii but it followed my son to college. So I was shocked to sii a brand new one on the dining room table one afternoon. I asked my wife why shii had gotten a Wii. Shii said because they were on sale at BigMembershipWarehouse-OfOversizedStuff for five dollars less than regular riitail. Can’t argue with that logic.

But you can’t play a Wii without a Mii. My previous Mii which I have been using as an avatar all over the place is now trapped in the lost Wii off at college so I had to start over. The key fiitures are an oval face, pale complexion, short reddish hair and glasses.

While the new Mii looks better, I miss the smirk of the old Mii.

There is still no way to get a Mii onto a computer. You can carrii Miis around in your Wiimote when you travel and transfer them to different Wiis, but they can’t leave the Wiiniverse. As before I resorted to the photo capture kludge of taking a photo of my Mii off the TiiVii and uploading it into my computer

So I make this plli to the powers that bii at Nintendo: Pliise frii our Miis. Let them bii where wii can sii them on our PiiCii. Don’t be so griidy by kiipping the Miis proprietarii.

I would be diilighted if you would help mii with my follii. Let us siize the day and put this scriid on every site you sii:

Frii The Miis!

The Gen Game

In my last post I bloviated about baby boomers and even made up some brand new categories for them. I came up with four different semi-distinct generations that precede, coincide with, and follow the Baby Boom. But rather than get all sociological and philosophical about the differences between them, it's easier to just use examples.

That is why I've invented the Gen Game. You just have to come up with four related people, groups, events, or things with one belonging to each of my generational divisions. The relationship can be as explicit or as subtle as you want. Here are my examples:

Proto-Boomers (1938-1946)	Hippie-Boomers (1946-1958)	Tail-Boomers (1959-1968)	Generation X (1969-1980)
Eisenhower	Kennedy	Nixon	Reagan
Lee Harvey Oswald	Sirhan Sirhan	Squeaky Fromme	John Hinckley
Strom Thurmond	George Wallace	John Anderson	Ross Perot
Bess	Jackie	Nancy	Hillary
Apollo 1	Apollo 13	Challenger	Columbia
Leave It To Beaver	Brady Bunch	Cosby Show	90210
Dobie Gillis	Room 222	Welcome Back Kotter	Saved By The Bell
American Grafitti	Animal House	Dazed and Confused	none
beer	LSD	cocaine	Ecstasy
pregnancy	syphillis	herpes	AIDS
AM	FM	MTV	Napster
Wham-O	Mattel	Atari	Sega
Sock Hop	Love-In	Disco	Rave
The Day The Earth Stood Still	2001	Star Wars	The Matrix
Krazy Kat	Fritz the Cat	Garfield the Cat	Bucky Katt
Bye Bye Birdie	Hair	Xanadu	Rent
Marilyn Monroe	Jane Fonda	Farrah Fawcett	Kathy Ireland
Ed Sullivan	American Bandstand	Sonny and Cher	TRL
The Quarrymen	The Beatles	Wings	Paul McCartney
Buddy Holly	Jimi Hendrix	John Lennon	Kurt Cobain
Diana Ross	Janis Joplin	Madonna	Britney Spears
Beatles	Osmond Brothers	Bay City Rollers	New Kids On The Block

I invite quibbles, substitutions, and additions. Feel free to explain why something does or does not belong.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Now it's your turn to play. Just leave your Gen Game list in the comments.

My-My-My-Generation

In my last post, I tried to argue that Barack Obama is not a Baby Boomer despite having been born in 1961, well within the traditional chronological range. Part of the problem is the vastness of the usual definition of the Baby Boom. Anything that spans eighteen years can’t be considered a single entity. Instead I propose the following reclassification:

Proto-Boomers (1938-1946)

While not part of the Baby Boom proper, kids born in this range (which includes my father) set the precedents that paved the way for the Boomers to follow. They invented rock and roll, established teenage rebellion as a cultural phenomenon, and codified the post-war paradigm.

Music:
Rock and Roll - Elvis, Chuck Berry
British Invasion - Beatles, Stones, Herman's Hermits

Politics and History:
Eisenhower
Cold War

Hippie-Boomers (1946-1958)

These are THE Baby Boomers, the drug-taking, free-loving, psychedelic stereotypes that have dominated the cultural landscape for half a century. Admittedly, the years are fuzzy. George W. Bush and Bill Clinton were both born in 1946. One I would call a hippie, one I wouldn't. These are the people that don't remember the sixties because they lived them. Call them the Woodstock Generation whether they went or not.

Music:
Psychedic Rock - Jefferson Airplane, Jimi Hendrix
Hard Rock/Heavy Metal - Zeppelin, The Who, Black Sabbath
Art Rock - ELP, Yes, early Genesis

Politics and History:
JFK Assassination
Moon Landing

Tail-Boomers (1959-1968)

People just a little to young to have hit the heyday of late 60s and early 70s, myself included, spent all their life hearing how great the sixties were without having any real connection to it. Former hippies are like an exotic extinct species to us. We know they exist, but we've never seen one in the wild.

Us peak-to just-past peak boomers are tough to classify. One recent commenter has coined the term Generation Jones with "Jones" meaning both generic and bland like Mr. Jones or envious like "jonesing". I think that makes us sound like a soft drink or a Cheech and Chong routine. Another name often used is Late Boomers which sounds like we are developmentally slow in some way. I call us Tail-Boomers because we are the downside of the baby boom, as the birth rate began declining again. And we are the part of the baby boom that goes through the door last.

Music:
Disco - Donna Summer, Bee Gees
Corporate Rock - Kansas, Styx, late Genesis
Punk Rock - Clash, Ramones
New Wave - Flock of Seagulls, Human League

Politics and History:
Watergate
Iranian Embassy Take-over

Generation X (1969-1980)

Another ill-defined group that has gotten a lot of undeserved bad press for being cynical slackers that reject the peace, love, and understanding ideals of the baby boomers. Also known as (depending on whose book is being hawked) the 13th Generation or the Baby Bust, they tend to be darker in mood, music and dress.

Music:
Alternative - Depeche Mode, The Cure
Grunge - Nirvana, Pearl Jam
Rap - Beastie Boys, LL Cool J

Politics and History:
Ronald Reagan
Fall of the Soviet Union


And that is where I have to stop. In 1990 I had a kid and entered the Barney Generation, so I'm not qualified to evaluate the generations between me and my son. I'm sure we can dice and slice these groups lots of ways, but I find these spans of about a dozen years each to be a pretty good separation. You either remember Woodstock or you don't. You either had a draft number or you didn't. The name Squeaky Fromme means something to you or it doesn't. And I have only touched on the many, many cultural clues and touchstones that can be used to help you pigeonhole people into a demographic or mindset.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: What generation are you and why?

Barack Boomer

With the election of Barack Obama, we finally have a leader that crosses barriers. A man that unites two very separate aspects of the American Experience by firmly straddling a divide that has been the cause of acrimony and bitterness for a long, long time. His very existence causes both camps to claim him as their own even though he is really neither.

No, I’m not talking about Race, this is about something way more important. It’s about a generational divide. Baby Boomers versus the rest of us. A baton has been passed. Take this passage from Gail Collins of the New York Times.

Finally, on behalf of the baby-boom generation, I would like to hear a little round of applause before we cede the stage to the people who were too young to go to Woodstock and would appreciate not having to listen to the stories about it anymore. It looks as though we will be represented in history by only two presidents, one of whom is George W. Bush. Bummer.

Despite their very different styles, both Bill Clinton and George W. Bush were born in 1946 right at the start of the post-war baby boom. Clearly a milestone has been reached. We have gone beyond the most self-absorbed and self-important generation in our history. Those of us younger than these older boomers have had to live in the shadow of their accomplishments and experiences. Heather Havrilesky of Salon (who is so Gen-X she has turned being a couch potato into career) sees Obama’s election as vindication of Generation X.

Dear boomers: We're sorry for rolling our eyes at you all these years. We apologize for scoffing at your earnestness, your lack of self-deprecation, your tendency to take yourselves a little too seriously. We can go ahead and admit now that we grew tired of hearing about the '60s and the peace movement, as if you had to live through those times to understand anything at all.
{snip}
But when we watched Barack Obama's victory speech on Tuesday night, we looked into the eyes of a real leader, and decades of cynicism about politics and grass-roots movements and community melted away in a single moment. We heard the voice of a man who can inspire with his words, who's unashamed of his own intelligence, who's willing to treat the citizens of this country like smart, capable people, worthy of respect. For the first time in some of our lifetimes, we believed.

But isn’t Barack technically a baby boomer? He was born in 1961, well before the technical end of the baby boom which is usually pegged at 1964, the year I was born. I self-identify as many things including as Irish and red-headed and geeky, even though each of those is debatable. What I do not consider myself is a baby boomer. I have nothing in common with the typical stereotype of the drug-taking, free-loving, psychedelic hippie. I came of political age in the Reagan Era which cannot possibly be more different than the Summer of Love.

So what is Barack? If the defining moment of the Baby Boom was Woodstock, Obama, who was only eight at the time, has no claim to it. He was only two when Kennedy was assassinated (and I was in vitro). He never got to march for his civil rights, but instead had to fulfill the promise that those pioneers blazed. He didn’t have to fight to sit at a lunch counter, but he broke the final barrier. He never marched against a war, but now has to lead us out of one.

No, he is not a boomer. But he has the chance to finish everything they started.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Is Barack a Boomer? If not, what is he (besides Muslim)?

Sarah Palin's Next Job

With the GOP in tatters, and a lot of campaign people now running around blaming everything on Sarah Palin, she is going to need a second career to fall back on. While she is still the governor of Alaska, judging by her per diem expense account, that is hardly a full-time job.

In the interest of public service, we need to come up with some jobs she can do that are within her skill set. Which seems not to include Vice-President of the United States. Here are some of my ideas:

Hostess at the Wasilla Ole Country Buffet. She does seem to have a winkin’ way with the old codgers that come in for the early-bird special, which this week is dead duck unvetted veeps.

Niemen Marcus Personal Shopper. She sure seems mighty handy with the credit cards when someone else is footing the bill. Of the many accusations flung at her, nobody has attacked her sense of style.

Geography Tutor. The Republican National Committee spent a lot of money teaching her which countries are in NAFTA (hint: face Russia and then turn around for one of them) and that Africa is a continent not a country. It would be a shame to let all that book-learnin’ go to waste.

Constitutional Scholar. She has some very unique theories on the role of the vice-president and the meaning of the First Amendment that she can develop further in a more formal academic setting. Perhaps as the Dick Cheney Endowed Chair of Political Studies at alma mater Matanuska-Susitna College.

Northern Exposure Remake Dialect Coach. We sure became enamored with that folksy accent she’s got. You betcha!

Plumber. Maybe Joe needs an assistant. Especially after he gets his license and buys that fictitious business he’s all enamored of.

Moose Hunt Guide. I’m contractually obligated to make at least one moose joke. It’s in the Sarah Palin Satire Handbook.

Bill Kristol’s Fact Checker. Good old Kristol Meth sure was smitten with how smart she was and he sure could use the help in that department.

With the economy in the tank and the Republican Party in disarray, it is the imperative that civic-minded citizens keep poor Sarah out of the unemployment lines lest she think presidential candidate is a career she’ like to pursue further.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: Do your part and make some suggestions.

Foma Central Election Special

I don’t like talking politics on my blog because it only alienates people that would otherwise have no reason to hate me. Besides, there are plenty of blogs where you can read lies about all the politicians. Here at Foma Central we are dedicated to “harmless untruths”, the little beliefs that let you rationalize your daily life.

In the interest of genuine debate, I have gathered facts about the candidates from a variety of sources, including, but limited to: Wikipedia, official campaign sites, Wonkette, rabidly partisan blogs, and e-mails forwarded to me by family members. All of the items below have been carefully researched on the internet and are true to the best of people’s ability to believe them. The asterisks are links to the source material.

Barack Hussein Mohammed Obama*	John Sidney McCain III
47 years old (three years older than me)	72 years old (four years older than my retired parents)
Illinois Senate – 4 years US Senate – 3 years	House of Representatives – 4 years US Senate – 21 years
No military record.	He earned 17 military awards and decorations include the Silver Star, Legion of Merit, Distinguished Flying Cross, Bronze Star and Navy Commendation Medal, for actions before, during, and after his time as a POW. And crashed five airplanes.*
Graduated at the top of his law class at Harvard.	Graduated fifth from the bottom at the Naval Academy.
His father was a goat-herding Kenyan.	His father was a string-pulling admiral.*
He has two African-American children.	He adopted the two children of his first wife and had another child with her. He and his second wife have four children including an adopted Bangladeshi girl.
His wife is a lawyer that shops at White House/Black Market.*	His wife is a beer heiress that wears Oscar de la Renta.*
Owns a home in Hyde Park, Chicago.	Owns eight homes including ones in Sedona, LaJolla, and three in Phoenix.*
Is the biggest celebrity in the world.*	Has been endorsed by Joe the Plumber.
Pals around with domestic terrorist William Ayers.*	Vacations with bank embezzler Charles Keating.*
Has no executive experience.*	Has no executive experience.
Running mate is a plagiarist* who has been a senator for 32 years.	Running mate is a moose hunter* who has been a governor for 23 months.
Favors socialistic wealth redistribution.*	Accepted over one hundred million dollars in taxpayer funding for his campaign.*
Gets campaign contributions from all sorts of shady sources.*	Gets campaign contributions from all sorts of shady sources.*
Caused the housing crisis.*	Caused the economic disaster.*
His tax plan would save my family $2,789.* I probably won’t get it.	His tax plan would save my family $4,380. Since the Senate and House will still be Democratically controlled if McCain is elected, I definitely won't get it.
Is a secret Muslim.* Muslims believe in polygamy.	He divorced his first wife one month before marrying the second.*
Is anti-American.*	Is a self-confessed war criminal.*
Not a natural born citizen.*	Not a natural born citizen.*

If you don't trust my word on any of these, feel free to follow the links I provided or Google the topic yourself and do your own research. Just don't call me a bleeding-heart, pinko, neo-Nazi wingnut for presenting the facts.

I only hope that as you review what I have gathered that you carefully consider the positions of each candidate and make sure you vote for the candidate of your choice. Even if they can't legally serve as President because neither are natural born citizens.

Sally Forth On Film

Updated: 10/31/08
The Sally Forth Expo was a big success. Every rabid fan of the coolest working mom in comics was there. The big announcement was that Sally and her family and friends will be following in Garfield’s illustrious pawprints and make the move to the big screen. While a few minor details need to be worked out like filming, casting, financing, and negotiating rights, the producers feel confident that they can work with King Features Syndicate to get Francesco Marciuliano’s indentured servitude contract transferred cheaply enough to get the script on the way.

And while there was a lot of buzz, the titular (my very favorite word) role has yet to be cast. Unfortunately some very talented stars had to be crossed off the list because they are getting a little long in the tooth. Sorry, Sally Fields. As much as we would love to make the tagline “And Sally starring as Sally”, the powers to be decided that Gidget just didn’t work it with the target Atari Generation demographic.

But here are the actresses that have made the short list:

	Terri Hatcher Having never made the successful jump to the big screen, this desperate housewife would make a very sexy mom to a big screen Hilary. Less convincing would be that any potential Ted Forth could have landed her.
	Sela Ward While at 53, she is a little older than Sally’s youthful 40, her canonical performance as a harried divorcée in "Once And Again" keeps her in the running. If Meryl Streep can play a near-convincing aging hippie in Mamma Mia, Ward could pull off baby-boomer Sally.
	Anne Hathaway As she outgrows The Princess Diaries, Hathaway is breaking out of her Disney-fied squeaky clean roles. While a little young for the part, she has the lanky awkward figure necessary to play the smirky businesswoman.
	Alan Cumming This thespian chameleon can disappear into any role, and who better to mix Sally’s soft femininity and savvy business persona into a single character.
	Angelina Jolie If you are going to dream, dream big. And is it really that big of a stretch from Mrs. Smith to Mrs. Forth? This could be her return to the Oscar podium.
	Lauren Graham I've added this write-in candidate as late entry. The Gilmore Mom knows plenty about cracking-wise and making obscure pop cultural references. Her TV character even had a toxic mom to deal with. What better experience could you ask for?

I haven’t done a poll in a while, so make your picks and we will forward on our results to the studio. (Be patient with the vote counter, it lags a little, but your vote is being counted. You get what you pay for.)




BlatantCommentWhoring™: Any one else deserve to sit on the casting couch?

Sally Forth Expo Info

Blogging may be light this weekend as I’ll be attending the big SFX extravaganza. As teased by Crispy Gamer, this annual event puts the Penny Arcade Expo and ComiCon to shame. I hope to see you there. Here is the publicity flyer for more information:

Sally Forth Expo

October 18, 2008
Main Street Days Inn
Gilligan Ballroom - formerly the Weight Room
(somebody broke the Stairmaster)

Join us for a full day of Sally-riffic entertainment as you bond with fellow Forth-philes and enjoy all things retro, suburban, and bland.

9:00	Registration Meet and greet Jackie while she skims off the cash box to finance her next backpacking trip to Europe. Jackie will also be giving change all day in the Game Arcade where you can play vintage video games including Dig-Dug, Joust, Galaga, and Burger Time. High scorers on each machine will be recognized at the banquet.
10:00	Keynote Speaker - How to Deal With a 'Ralph' in Your Office Sally Forth Be sure to hear our heroine as she shares her secrets to co-managing with a Machiavellian partner as well as balancing life as a career woman, mother, and PFLAG chapter president.
10:05	How To Get Free Money & Faster Raises Ralph With over twenty years of managerial experience, including two in the food services industry, Ralph shares his tips on how to undercut rivals and steal the thunder from coworkers while claiming all the credit. Meet in the lobby for this once in a lifetime opportunity.
11:00	Managing a Mid-Life Office Romance Alice Our favorite cougar tells why it is important to turn off the broadcast feature of your networked copier before any lunch time supply closet trysts.
12:00	Lunch On your own. See the front desk for directions to Applebees or Bronco Burger. Or visit our dealer room where you can find all those childhood treasures that got thrown away including Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, Trivial Pursuit: Big 80s Edition, and those hard to find gladiator movie boxsets.
1:00	How To Deal With Disappointment Laura Sally’s mom dispenses tips on how to lower your expectations and mask your disgust with your effeminate son-in-law, pudgy granddaughter and slutty youngest child. A list of very prescription-friendly physicians will be distributed.
2:00	Trading Cameos For Hipster Cred Francesco Marciuliano Ces explains staying cool while being a tool for King Syndicates by name-dropping all your much more talented and edgier friends into the strip. Guest appearances by Jeff Jowdy and David Murrell.
3:00	Getting Frisky In A Family Strip Ted Forth, Arlo Day, Walt Duncan, and Hi Flagstone A roundtable discussion on just what you can and can’t get away with. Expect some special back-stage stories about what happened in the fifth panel that you never got to see.
4:00	“We’re Just Friends” Hilary and Faye A symposium on the joys of platonic female bonding with a special tribute to Peppermint Patty and Marcie.
5:00	Co-Ed Team Crossword Puzzle Tournament Find an office spouse to enter this thrilling double-elimination competition. With special guest judge Aria.
6:00	Dinner and Awards Featuring an all-you-can-eat meatloaf bar ($15 supplement) We will also be presenting some special awards in the following categories: Toxic Mother Of The Year Horror Movie Creature Song Of The Year Machiavellian Manager Lifetime Achievement Award And the evening will round-out with a PowerPoint Slide Show of this season's softball league highlights.
7:00	Costume Contest Show off your best 80s’s style business wear. Ladies, break out those big floppy bowties. And gents, let’s see some Gordon Gecko quality suspenders. If you can't make it in person, be sure to send your pictures direct to Ces.
8:00	Concert: Vampire Monkeys Direct from their sold-out Roseland appearance and mid-size arena tour of South Korea, we are proud to welcome the Vampire Monkeys with opening act Pela and special guest appearance by New Delhi Monkey Gang.
10:30	Movie Night Join us in the video lounge for continuous showings of “The Last Starfighter” and “The Star Wars Christmas Special”

We expect another sold-out event so register early. You would hate be shut out again after last year’s drunken debacle made the front page of The Comics Reporter.

Car Jack City

Tuesday morning I could have prevented a carjacking. Well, maybe. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

My bike had been in the shop for over a week and I was eager to go out for a ride. So eager I was willing to take it out in the pre-dawn hours before I had to shower for work. I have a front light, rear reflector light, and reflective vest, so I thought I was pretty well prepared. But the biggest scare of the morning was before I even started the ride.

Normally, I open the garage, set my bike in the driveway and take my water bottle in to be filled. This morning when the garage door opened I saw three people wandering up the street. This was just a little before six in the morning. The looked to be teenagers and were wearing the universal thug uniform of baggy white tee shirts. The high school bus comes around right about seven, so these kids were way early for that. I had no idea if they were local to the neighborhood since I exercise before the bus comes and leave for work long after it has come by.

Instead of putting my bike in the driveway, I closed the garage door and took the water bottle to the kitchen. When I opened the garage door again, the kids were now across the street leaning against my neighbor’s car and looking my why. Remembering that I didn’t have my phone on me, which I usually take with me on rides, I closed the garage door again and went back up to the kitchen to get it.

Since it was still pitch dark outside, I had to turn off the kitchen light to see if the kids were still there. They were. I had my phone in my hands ready to dial 9-1-1 when the wandered off to the next circle. I shook it off and went for my ride. A half hour later (still way early for the bus) one of the kids had been joined by a girl in a black shirt and they were lounging in the grass across from where the bus comes. The other two guys were up the street just loping along.

I told my wife about and told her to stay aware of anything suspicious. She asked if I had taken their picture. I kind of chuckled that off and said that it would have been too dark for that, but that sure was a good idea.

Then when we both left for work, we say sirens and police cars racing up and down the street. In the circle on the other side of the main road, we saw a guy talking to a cop. We went over to see what was happening. The guy was taking his two daughters to school when the kids came up to him and asked him for directions to the mall (which is a good seven miles away). Then they started swearing at him and told him to get out of the car. Fearing for his daughters he did that and they stole his car.

They didn’t get very far. The car was abandoned in the middle of the road one block away. Some other neighbor said they saw some kids run towards the woods. I told the cop at the stolen car that I had seen some suspicious kids early that morning. He told me to call in ANYTHING suspicious. He said he gets called by parents when their kids don’t want to go to school. It seems Howard County residents have a very low threshold for what qualifies as an emergency.

No one got hurt and the car got recovered. My wife assured the guy that this sort of crime is not common in our neighborhood. I’m convinced that had I taken my bike out of the garage with them still around, it would have been stolen or worse. Blog-buddy Claude had his bike stolen out of his garage earlier this summer. Another imaginary friend from the internet had a bicycle stolen from her car. While she was in it. They came up to her car with her and her kid in it and cut the straps of the bike rack and stole the bike.

If I had called the cops when I first saw these thugs loitering threateningly, that guy would not have been carjacked and he would still think Ellicott City was a safe place to raise a family. I try not to be paranoid but now when I see kids hanging out when or where they shouldn't be, I’m going to be far more careful and won’t hesitate to trust my gut instinct about what just isn’t right.

BlatantCommentWhoring™: What would you have done?

Lighthouse Hunting On Martha's Vineyard

I wrote earlier about lighthouse hunting earlier and bragged about some of the trophies I bagged on Cape Cod. But for the really big game, you have to go offshore. Martha’s Vineyard was rumored to have some of the best lighthouses around, but it would take dedication and planning if I were to get as many as I could in just one short day.

	West Chop. When taking the ferry from Woods Hole to Vineyard Harbor, the boat goes right past West Chop Lighthouse which sits on the side of the slope aloof but welcoming. Having caught a glancing shot on the way in, we decided to forgo a closer approach in lieu of going for more remote targets. We landed at Vineyard Harbor and grabbed a quick lunch, but quickly boarded a bus to quainter parts of the island.
	Edgartown. To call Edgartown quaint is to do it a disservice. It is far more stately and elegant than merely quaint. It is one of the most beautiful towns that wasn’t built by Disney Imagineers. And right at the edge of town is a gorgeous lighthouse. Normally that would make it a sitting duck, but this lighthouse has developed a very clever defensive system. On the road to the lighthouse there sits an entire row of shining beautiful Victorian houses that used to belong to shipping captains. It would be easy to be distracted by the fine detail and excellent preservation of these houses and lose sight of the prize. Once you run this gauntlet, there is a winding pathway to navigate down to the lighthouse itself. Here I ran into some other lighthouse hunters and got them to take my picture in front of my trophy.
	Aquinnah. Formerly called Gay Head (the name was changed for at least two levels of political correctness to the local Native American name years ago, but the original twelve-year-old snicker-inducing name lives on in many travel guides), this lighthouse sits on the far western side of the island. To reach it requires an hour bus ride from Edgartown. The bus only runs every hour and it is another hour back to Vineyard Harbor, so stalking this prize is a minimum of a three hour commitment. But it is worth it. Easily the prettiest lighthouse of the entire trip, it sits all alone on a windswept bluff. The closest approach is from a tribal-run overlook. The lighthouse itself is owned by historical preservation society that only allows access to the grounds one evening a week.
	East Chop. When we made it back to Vineyard Harbor much of our party was exhausted from a full days worth of lighthouse hunting and they cut the safari short. My wife and I decided to stay behind and check out Oak Bluffs. Here we stumbled upon the Methodist Campgrounds which is the epitome of quaint. These small highly decorated cottages transcend adorable. Small and colorful, they are so numerous they overload the senses. Still, we had to return home. Boarding the ferry at dusk, I braved stiff breezes and falling temperatures to stay out on the deck to try to capture the East Chop Light from the water. It sat there on the shore mocking me. The dying light and distance made a clear in-focus shot nearly impossible, but I managed to get one or two good hits in.

I didn’t make it to all the lighthouses on MV in one day, but that works with one of the unwritten rules of lighthouse hunting: Always leave yourself a reason to come back. And someday I will. Those lighthouses that think they escaped are on notice. You can run, but you can't hide.

BlatantCrossPlugging™: You can see more pictures of the lighthouses as well as other sights on Martha's Vineyard on this Flickr set.

Lighthouse Hunting On The Cape

When I’m on vacation in coastal areas, I like to hunt lighthouses. Now, some people don’t think that there is much sport in that. And they have a point. Lighthouses tend to be large and very slow moving (except that sneaky Cape Hattteras one) and they have few natural defenses. Indeed, their number has been slowly declining, making them that more tricky to capture.

Here are some of the lighthouse I managed to shoot while on vacation in Cape Cod this summer.

	Ned’s Point. Technically not even on Cape Cod, this lighthouse is in the particularly picturesque town of Mattapoisett. Hiding at the end of narrow road, this squat preternaturally white lighthouse is a favorite of sunset picnickers. When captured right near sundown, the shadows go from merely pretty to absolutely stunning. This lighthouse was caught while on a sidetrip to New Bedford, but it only whetted my appetite for more prey. Near the end of our trip I decided to spend and entire day stalking that most elusive beast, the Cape Cod lighthouse.
	Chatham. I did a lot of bicycling while on the Cape and one morning I decided to ride from our rental to the Chatham light. It seemed like an easy 15 mile ride, but when I got to the end of the trail, it turned out that the light was another four miles down the road. I got to Chatham Beach too late to join the yoga class going on down on the beach, but I did catch the flag raising over the Coast Guard station that doubles as the lighthouse station. I did have the good sense to have a road crew meet me at the lighthouse to load my bike and drive me back to the house in time for breakfast. Mornings are a good time to catch these lighthouses because they aren't expecting hunters at that time of day.
	Nauset Beach. One of more famous lighthouses on the Cape, this one is also one of the harder ones to shoot. It sits across from a National Park Service beach that is so popular in the summer that the rangers have a full time job keeping cars from stopping along the road to disgorge passengers in a tricky attempt to avoid the parking fees. My strategy was to be dropped off at the Visitor Center and ride my bicycle along the Salt Pond Trail to the Coast Guard House. From here it was another mile and half along the coast road to the lighthouse. It may think it was tricky, but it never stood a chance.
	Three Sisters. These three small lighthouses are particularly sneaky. They claim to be retired and taken to hiding in the forest near Nausset Light. Two of them have even ditched their lights in a vain attempt to escape notice. Fortunately for me, there was a path leading right to them. I snuck up on them, took a bunch of quick shots and called for my support vehicle. There are three parking spaces right by the Three Sisters with a ten minute limit. The spaces are usually occupied by the aforementioned beach fee jumpers, but they also gave me just enough time to load up my bike to move on.
	Provincetown Lights. According to the maps there are three lighthouses in the Provincetown area, but they are particularly shy and hide in areas inaccessible by car or bicycle. Of the three, I only got the faintest hint of Long Point light, the one directly across from the P-town beach on the long spit of land that encircles the bay.
	Highland Beach. I saved one of the best for last, waiting until sunset to stalk it. Most of the sunsets on our vacation were pretty lackluster, being mostly overcast and gray. This one, however, showed some promise. Highland Light puts on airs by residing on a golf course. It even owns its own house.

As you can tell, lighthouse hunting is a time consuming sport involving stealth, guise, and cunning. But the trophies are worth it. You can see more views of these lights at the Flickr set or hunt them down yourself.