Friday, September 30, 2005

Hottest. Woman. Ever.

The Washington Post has two new writers, Amy Argetsinger and Roxanne Roberts, for it's "gossip" column, The Reliable Source. To make sure that they got some attention right out of the gate, their very first column covered Angelina Jolie testifying to Congress about something or other. In the article, they notice that "everyone is doing a valiant job of pretending that the Sexiest Woman Alive is not sitting at the table." The Washington Post has very high journalistic standards and they cannot make bold declarations like that without some sort of confirming source.

I will vouch that Angelina Jolie is the living embodiment of ideal female beauty. Two years ago, while on vacation in southern California, we decided to do the full tourist thing and see a real Hollywood red carpet movie premiere. The big movie opening that week was the critically despised Tomb Raider II: The Cradle of Life.

For a Hollywood premiere, they close off the main block of Hollywood Boulevard for the red carpet arrivals which snarls traffic worse than usual. We managed to park in the Kodak Theater garage and elbow our way to the front of the crowd, only to hear that Angelina had already gone in. We did stick around to see the rest of the "celebrities" arrive, the biggest two being Colin Ferrell acting like a drunk Irish ass and David Spade looking like he stepped off the set of Joe Dirt II. We were slightly disappointed but philosophical about missing the main attraction.

We overheard a fellow stalker movie buff mention that it's a lot easier to catch the stars coming out of the theater after the premiere. So we ate dinner at a wierdly themed Wolfgang Puck restaurant and then staked out a place behind the security rope across from Manns Chinese Theater. As soon as people start spilling out of the theater we waited and were rewarded. Angelina and her entourage walked right in front of us no farther than ten feet away as the paraded over to the post-premiere party. As hot as Angelina looks on the silver screen, she is twice as hot in person. We are talking 100% pure premium, not-from-concentrate H-O-T hot.

She was wearing a very tasteful black backless dress that clung to her like nobody's business. The only surprise was that she is amazingly petite. Five foot-two inches tops. No more than 100 pounds soaking wet. And we're not talking Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie coke-fueled scrawny. Every ounce of her was in exactly the right place.

I'm not the only one with this opinion. In an Ask Amy column, Amy Dickerson warns an insecure young lady:
But remember that even for beautiful people, there's always someone more beautiful across the room. Unless, of course, you're Angelina Jolie.
In a Saturday Night Live bit, Amy Poehler rants:
It was reported that while vacationing together in Kenya, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise while making love, the hotel staff rushed to the room because it sounded like a wounded animal. OK, we get it, Angelina Jolie, you're better than every woman at everything! You're prettier, you're sexier, you're covered in exotic tattoos.
Angelia Jolie is the gold standard for hot women when you need to make a point. But with great power comes great responsibility. Anyone who can make Brad Pitt (who I hear is no slouch in the looks department) drop Jennifer Anniston like congealed monkey vomit, should not toy with mere mortals. She played Alexander the Great's mom, but Helen in Troy would have been better casting.

On the plus side, her much publicized work for awareness of some of the world's most ignored and poverty-stricken disaster regions has to negate some of her home-wrecking bad karma. But like those goo-goo eyed congressmen, is anyone listening when she moves those African-Killer-Bee level pouty lips? We should. Don't ignore her just because she is beautiful. She deserves the same chance to voice her opinion as any other preternaturally beautiful celebrity with a cause. Listen to her well considered plea for greater justice and compassion towards the less fortunate of the world. And try to maintain eye contact.

Oh, and did I mention that she's hot?

Here's a link to more pictures of the Tomb Raider II premiere, but they hardly do her justice.

Update (5/8/06): See this post for my latest take on Angelina.

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Anonymous said...

Colin Ferrell, NOT Colin Firth!

I was wondering why someone was calling Colin Firth an Irish ass, when he's English.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, with some people it's all about what the camera and some makeup can do for you. I'm sure we've all seen the pics on the scandal sheets (Enquirer, etc.) giving you the "before/after" shots and you barely recognize them when they're in the street garb. And then there are other people for whom the camera does absolutely nothing; it's all natural.

I've not seen AJ in person but when I lived in New York and worked in Brooklyn I used to go down to Boro Hall to watch them shoot the courthouse exteriors for Law & Order. (You hear that? It's not a courthouse they're using!) I'd see Sam Waterston and Angie Harmon chatting with crew and getting ready to shoot a scene and lemme tell ya, Angie Harmon was in that category as well. Drop. Dead. Gorgeous.

Sam Waterston looks much the same as well, but to me he always looked like a businessman who has had exactly one too many drinks.

yellojkt said...

Meep, thanks it's all been corrected. All those hunky men with strange accents look alike to me. ;)

J.Po said...

"coke-fueled scrawny"?! LOL!!

Now let me get this straight...are you saying AJ is HOT? ;)

I do concur...although, and perhaps it's an age thing speaking here, I'll stick with Andie McDowell...

yellojkt said...

j. po,
that could be inferred.

I have to say Andie McDowell has been sorely underutilized. I don't think I've seen her in anything except shampoo commercials for a decade.

Spock said...

Thank you for coming to see me & for saying I'm impressive. As usual your post is articulate & well written, however I did hock up a hairball due to it's content!!

jules said...

Hi! Michele sent me! I think AJ is pretty hot!

yellojkt said...

I had the wife and teenage kid with me. I'm pretty sure my wife agrees with me on how hot Angelina Jolie, it just doesn't interest her as much. She helped my son grab a freebie tee shirt with the movie logo on it.

Shannon said...

glad to hear your wife enjoys your hobby ;o)
ps michele sent me!

Your Mother said...

Yellojkt I'm with you. She is hot. I'd spank her but that would require changing my religion and I just don't think I can make that committment!

Anonymous said...


rashbre said...

I tried googling Angelina Jolie once but the computer caught fire.

Michele sent me.


Anonymous said...

Oh Angelina, I was right there with you, even with the weird blood vials and crazy Billy Bob sexcapades until you and Brad went all homewrecker! I still think she's painfully gorgeous, but I also have a lot less respect for her--not that any of that is my business anyway ;)

trusty getto said...

I know a hotter one, and she blogs.


Olyal said...

I would jump the fence for Angelina... she is so hot! :o)

Anonymous said...

Sorry for being contrarian, but I've never seen why folks make such a big deal over her.

I had the misfortune of taking a cross-country flight recently, and the featured film was Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Boring, badly written, and badly acted. The scenes out the window were infinitely more interesting than the film.

Visiting once more from Michele's. Good to e-see ya again!

Carmi from

(not sure why the comments feature is so mucked up this weekend.)

dena said...

Personally I think she is by far the most beautiful and exotic woman out there right now. I find her independence particularly refresing. The woman oozes sex appeal from every pore in her body.

Anonymous said...

Ach! As far as I'm concerned, AJ is quite,uhm, ugly. "Mis-shapen" at best. I just wonder whatever became of her sagittal crest. And the bee-stung lips do nothing for me. And about her pointy knees...

paula said...

O.M.G. Yessssss. She's so hot it hurts.

*le sigh*


Anonymous said...

Angelina. That name will forever be remembered. Hopefully for her charitable work and motherly insticts along with her Hollywood stardom. I don't know why she needs Brad, but I guess he couldn't help himself. I am more into guys (my husband specifically), but my pip dream is still dinner (and whatever) with Jodi Foster.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

i personally think the only reason angelina got famous is coz of "tomb raider"...
she's certainly and clearly NOT the hottest woman in the world..
it's just her "bad" hotness from "tomb raider" that caught people's attention..
now, jessica alba's face and angelina jolie's body.... now THAT, my friend... would qualify for the hottest woman in the world!

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