Wednesday, March 25, 2009

NKKKK: Best Bear

Not everybody loves their men lean and sculpted. We are trying to be even-handed here at the Kinkiest Komik Karacter Kontest and have something for everybody. Plenty of fellas (and some gals) like a brawny guy with some meat on his bones. Fortunately the comics have plenty of lovable Gentle Ben types hiding in plain sight. Today we try to find that guy that has that ruggedly handsome outdoorsy look.
Professor Ian Cameron
Mary Worth
According to his official King features bio:
Beneath his bluster and pomposity this Scottish-born victim of "The Hemingway Complex" is a gentle teddy bear. Ian is the neighborhood "Greeter" and, by his own modest admission, the resident expert on everything.
And with that kind of admission, what could he be hiding? His official duties at Charterstone include laying around the pool shirtless and disappearing randomly to go to conferences in other cities.

Professor Aristotle Papagoras
Apartment 3G
The other soap comics professor has been mysteriously absent from the strip lately. He has been aging backwards, got a stylin' new goatee and got a really cool mustard suit at a thrift store down in the Village. Clearly he has discovered that hanging around those three bimbos wasn't getting him any action. Even his romance with Gina the actress was just a ruse to have have an excuse to hang around her off-off-off-Broadway theater which just happened to be next to the revival of Naked Boys Singing.
Professor Cosmo Fishhawk
Our final professor seems like an unlikely stud, but this chicken hawk has taken to popped collar polo shirts instead of his traditional patched elbow tweed to appeal to the twinks that hang around Roz's coffee shop/gay bar/sex toy store.
Sargeant Snorkel
Beetle Bailey
Sarge just missed the cut in the Ambiguously Gay Duo category with his frequent BDSM bottom buddy Beetle, but he makes another run at the prize in this solo entry. In the don't ask-don't tell world of Camp Swampy, he is a tortured soul whose sham romance with equally closeted Sgt. Louise Lugg can't make up for the lie of a life he leads.
Alley Oop
Alley Oop
A reader nomination, time traveling cave-man Alley Oop is perhaps just a little too buff to be a true bear, but his hirsute visage more than makes up for that shortcoming. He does rock the loin cloth and when he goes clubbing, he really goes clubbing.
The Bear
And it wouldn't be right to not feature an actual bear, or at least a bear-human hybrid. And while Bear Guy is married to the odd looking kangaroo/coyote lady, there is nothing more manly than a little Brokeback Mountain bareback bear hugging going on in Pluggertown.
There are enough lovable tubby hairy guys here to fill up an evening of Logo/CBS cross-over sitcoms. Just pick the one that would make the Pride Parade proud.


Anonymous said...

Gotta go with Professor Pappagoras, but only as a tribute to his earlier, more bearish self. Few strips have suffered more from downsizing the comics than A3G. Some of us older folks can remember when Tommie was the glamorous one.

I'd also like to give a nod to my all-time favorite, Arrow-Butt Bear from Mark Trail. Unfortunately, he was only a guest character, not a regular, so I can't in good conscience vote for him.

Anonymous said...

I don't know why I know this, but the Plugger bear's name is Andy.

Anonymous said...

Another difficult category for me to judge, but probably one with a very clear winner. Let’s start at the umm... bottom and work our way up.

Bear man: I’m just not seeing it. I mean, the very essence of pluggerdom is utter whitebread, blue collar respectability.

Alley Oop: Probably not hairy enough, looking at the picture you’ve provided. Plus he’s a zombie toon, so he won’t get my vote on general principles.

Sarge: Sarge is the darkhorse here. He doesn’t seem to be quite right, despite his obvious long-term relationship with Beetle. But deep down, he may be harboring some serious kinks. He appears to be a foodie, considering his general attitude towards eating. And given his relationship with Otto, he may very well be a furry. Sarge is deifintely worthy of further consideration.

Perfesser: Ignoring the fact that he’s a bird and thus rather lacking in hair, I’m not seeing it here. The Perfesser is terminally depressed and may be a hypochondriac. He’s a little bit like Hi Flagston with feathers. OTOH, he does spend an awful lot of time with his “nephew”.

Ari Pappawhatsit: Maybe once upon a time, but Prof. Ari has shaped up and trimmed down. I don’t think he really meets the qualifications anymore.

Ian Cameron: This category is Professor Chinbeard’s to lose. Out of all our candidates, he most closely resembles what I would imagine when thinking of the concept of “bear”. His role as greeter is obviously to a) check out newcomers for possible conquests, and b) screen newcomers for anyone who might try to take Toby away from him and thus blow his cover.

Chinbeard or Sarge? I started this analysis assuming I would be voting for Chinbeard, but I think I’ve convinced myself that Sarge is way kinkier.

jfruh said...

"Hemingway complex" = impotent and suicidal, obviously.

D.B. Echo said...

I'm sorry, there is only one "Best Bear" - and her name is Molly, the BEST BEAR in the WORLD!

bats :[ said...

I have to vote with my heart. Best Bear in the comics: CC's own Dingo.

yellojkt said...

Right in so many ways.

Bats ;[,
I had Dingo in mind when I created this category.

wombat1800 said...

My write in vote is for Sweetums from SPQR blues. Go Sweetums!

Mathew Walls said...

No contest, this one has to go to Chinbeard. The others don't even deserve to qualify.

Paperdoll said...

Gotta go with Sarge, the only actually gay one.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, there is no doubt about it; The Bear is the winner!
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