Monday, March 16, 2009

National Kinkiest Komic Karacter Kick-Off

With March Madness upon us, it is time for the signature event here at Foma Central, our fourth annual comics competition. For this year, we go back to some well-trod territory, the sexiest/hottest comics character. And yes, it has been done before. In 2007 we did Hottest CILF Soap Division which ended in a dead heat between Abbey Spenser and June Morgan as well as Hottest CILF Comics Division where Toni Daytona ran away from the pack.

Other websites have even gotten into the act. Michael Cavna at the Washington Post's Comic Riffs is also taking nominees for his 2009 sexiest comics character contest (mostly to deafening silence). So to keep it fresh, we are upping the ante and sexy is not enough for this year's National Kinkiest Komics Karacter Kompetition aka NKKKK. We are searching for the ones with the most shocking secret life.

The selection committee has already made a list of automatic bids, but I'm looking for some at-large entries. Feel free to nominate your favorites in any of this year's categories which are:

Hottest Mom:
Let's put the M into CILF. Which comic mother is baking cookies in the kitchen but swinging from the chandelier in the bedroom? This category promises to be the most crowded. Let the arguing begin.

Hunkiest Soap Guy: In the past we've neglected the men in our competitions out of some subliminal homophobia, but no more. And in this category ambiguous sexuality is not a detriment, it's a plus.

Best Bear: And we aren't talking Pluggers here. Which hirsute hunk raises the blood pressure of the chubby chasers?

Kinkiest Couple: Another crowded category. Of all the couples in the comics, who flies the freak flag the highest once the bedroom door is closed?

Barely Legal: For this grouping, the girl must be out of high school (we just are NOT going there) but arguably under thirty. Yeah, I got a rather elastic definition of 'barely.'

Most Dutiful Dominatrix: Who brings the discipline and knows their way around a dungeon?

The rules are just as they have always been: The character must be from a newspaper comic strip currently in syndication. No webcomics which are easily an order of magnitude kinkier than anything that must pass muster with the bluehairs that edit the comics pages.

The "current" requirement is also known as The Brandy Rule since it prevents the fanboys with all their stuck-together copies of Liberty Meadows from stuffing the ballot box, to coin a euphemism. I'm also instituting a No Foobs rider on the rule. The Pattersons are dead to me. We must never speak of them again.

Now get nominating.


Anonymous said...

Hottest Mom - Abbey Spencer and her 'brownies'; June Morgan (double D duh); Alice Mitchell's sultry nighties; Janis for daring.

Hunkiest Soap Guy - Sam Driver, Inexplicable Chick Magnet; Mark Trail, Clueless Totem; Prince Valiant, Ancient Non-Rhyming Mariner; Rex Morgan, that windblown look.

Best Bear - Beetle Bailey; Dagwood; Hagar; Crankshaft.

Kinkiest Couple - Arlo & Janis, goes w/o saying; Henry & Alice Mitchell (PLEASE keep the condom on!); Mark Trail and Patty (oh come on, you didn't think they were REALLY looking for that damn deer, did you?) Judge Alan and Katherine (lots of roleplaying here!)

Barely Legal - ?? Hell, nobody ages out of high school in the comics! Except Liz Patterson and she doesn't count. Who's left... don't tell me Cathy. Does not compute. She's barely human.

Most Dutiful Dominatrix - Alice Mitchell; Mrs. Hitler Winslow; June Morgan; Mary Worth (AAAUGGH); Margo "Spike Heels" Magee; Lois Flagston (the First Bitch of Suburban Hell)

-signed, Truman F

Anonymous said...

Oooh, I've been waiting for this. (FOUR years?! That long?)

Hottest Mom: Juliet Burber and her leopard print undies, Luann's mother (TJ doesn't seem to have been traumatized by their bathroom encounter), Addy Lamarr (LOTS of pent up frustration there), just about any soap strip mother.

Hunks: I'm poorly qualified to judge here, but many seem to be rather enamored of the Phantom's stripy butt. On the comic side, I haven't got a clue.

Bears: Again, poorly qualified. There also aren't that many characters who really fit this category. Sarge? Mr. Wilson?

Couple: Also known as the Arlo and Janis category. The DeGroots, Juliet Burber and Elliot Green, the Gumbos (? Not really buying that one), Hi and Lois???

Barely Legal: Edda Burber, Toni Daytona, Neddy Spencer (that is the older one, right?) Tough category to find contestants, this is a poorly represented demographic in the comics.

Dominatrix: Face it. This is June v. Margo.

Anonymous said...

you may as well just give Arlo & Janis the "couples" trophy now.

Anonymous said...

Hottest Mom: Abbey Spencer, Juliet Burber, June Morgan, Blondie Bumstead (Dagwood needs to spend less time on constructing sandwiches and more time with his wife), and Katherine Parker.
Hunkiest Soap Guy: The Phantom, Prince Valiant, and the new lawyer on Judge Parker whose name I've forgotten. Legs or no legs, he's pretty hot.
Best Bear: I got nothin'.
Kinkiest Couple: Arlo and Janis, hands down. I'll give some props to Juliet Burber and Elliot, too.
Barely Legal: Edda Burber, Toni Daytona, maybe Neddy Spencer.
Dominatrix: Margo Magee. Everyone else pales in comparison.

Gwyn said...

Hottest (step)Mom: Kim (Doonesbury)
Hunkiest Soap Guy: Peter Parker. Really.
Best Bear: eew.
Kinkiest Couple: Jeremy Duncan's parents. With a teenager in the house, they have to do something to de-stress.
Barely Legal: Alex (Doonesbury)
Most Dutiful Dominatrix: JJ (Doonesbury)

Anonymous said...

Hottest Mom has to include Thelma Keane and her Uniboob. Also, Diana Walker* (*for the Ghost-Who-Walks).
Hunk: Basil St. John just made another appearance in Brenda Starr; I think he can be counted. Does the Phantom count as a soap?
Bear: Curtis' dad (name escapes me at the moment)
Kinky: Used to be B.D. and Boopsie till he lost the helmet. Actually, I bet the Phantom & his wife can get pretty crazy, being in the jungle and all. And, of course, the Forths.
Legal: Yenny Lopez, but I don't know if she appears in print anywhere. Miss Buxley.
Dominatrix: Sally Forth, natch.

Cedar said...

Why a barely legal category? Didn't Edda win the CILF last year?

I'm stymied by the Bear category. I thought I was pretty into comics, but I'm drawing blanks--Sarge? Funky Winkerbean?

Anonymous said...

Dom: how is that even a contest? Dr. Juliet Burber all the way.

Anonymous said...

Hottest Mom: One of the soap strip ones. Maybe June Morgan, especially since I can't name any others.
Hunkiest Soap Guy: If action-soap counts as soap, Kit Walker* (for the Ghost-Who-Works-It-Baby). If not, it's a massive tie since the rest are indistinguishable.
Best Bear: Oh Mr. Willlsonnn...
Kinkiest Couple: Herb and Jamaal! (Somewhat distantly followed by the Forths.)
Barely Legal: You've gotta dig all the Valkyrie cosplay, so Honi, if she's allowed in here (bearing in mind that Helga deems her ready to marry).
Most Dutiful Dominatrix: There can be only one -- Mistress Margo Magee!

Anonymous said...

I know it's too late for nominations, but the dark horse candidate for best Dominatrix has to be Ted Forth. I'll bet he looks stunning in latex and stilettos and really knows how to wipe that smirk off Sally's face when he wants to.

Anonymous said...

Hottest mom: Dr. Burbur from 9 Chickweed Lane. Comeon, the lady wears animal print teddies under her suits for godssakes!

Hunkiest Soap Guy: Mr. Walker/The Phantom from The Phantom. Dude wears purple spandex...need I say more?

Best Bear: Ian/Dr. Chinbeard from Mary Worth. Self explanitory.

Kinkiest Couple: I'm stuck between the DeGroots from Luann and the Forths from Sally Forth. Both of those couples have a-little sumptin' sumptin goin on!

Barely Legal: Mom Degroot and T.J. See above.

Most Dutiful Dominatrix: Sally question.

yellojkt said...

Lot of great ideas. I want to see Nancy DeGroot and TJ do a talent show duet of "Does Your Mother Know" from Mama Mia.

Anonymous said...

Hottest Mom - Julliette Burber (9 Chickweed Lane),
Hunkiest Soap Guy -Sam Driver (Judge Parker), Guido (Second Mate from the current Rex Morgan plot line)
Kinkiest Couple -Walt and Connie Duncan (from Zits)
Barely Legal - Edda Burber (9 Chickweed Lane),
Most Dutiful Dominatrix-Rat to Pig in Pearls Before Swine,

Anonymous said...

Best Bear: Ally Oop

Anonymous said...

Dennis the Menace's mother is the hottest mom on the comic pages. Period.

labradog said...

CMILF? Gotta be that hot babe Fritzi Ritz! Who wouldn't like to peel off her skin tight Brooks and Dunn T-shirt? Go git it, Sluggo!